20 – FRIENDS – CTW-E-2022

 CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 20 – FRIENDS

 Regardless of an individual’s psychological makeup and the course of approach a person may adopt, one primary source of consolation will be to turn to FRIENDS.

In the context of this chapter, we need to define what we want to include and exclude under the term FRIEND.   This viewpoint is only in this chapter to bring out an explanation. In this context, the word friend(s) is a person (or people) who are NOT in the category of friends by being relations, priests, nuns, counsellors, and peacemakers. Although human relations are friends, I consider them as ‘Insiders’ with a vested interest in being related to this chapter. Although priests, nuns, counsellors, and peacemakers may also be friends, here again, I am excluding them in the context of this chapter because they are actively and purposefully doing a ‘Job’.   They are actively participating, like a ‘Duty’.

 

The word also does NOT include the ‘pseudo’ like opportunists, friends of convenience, lonely hearts, gossip mongers and others with similar motives.   People should avoid these groups of people like the plague.   They are the ones who make capital on other people’s separation.   Then there is another group of the Self Styled RIGHTEOUS, who make it their business to be in various righteous organisations.   Some have even weaved their way into Church communities, clubs, etc.

 

Invariably they remain in the club or community only if they have a place of post and prominence.   If they are not in a position of honour at a function, they will not turn up.   But they will not forget to send an excuse.   They have self-edifying reasons, such as visits to better occasions, invitations from Presidents of Top organisations, foreign trips, etc.   People must communicate the non-availability of these high and mighty people at the meeting. They expect it, or the organisers are in for long frosty treatment.   They are like sets that usually work with a clique of supporters, all elite like themselves.   They are ready to get the “Whole Story” from you and supply you with sympathy and advice.

 

Their advice has two undertones:

(1)  Your “Rights”.

(2) “If you cannot get along­, break off.”

 

The so-called FALSE ADVISOR-FRIENDS will supply all the HOWS, WHERE, WHYS etc., to achieve separation.

These so-called advisor-friends are thrilled that their involvement brought them a sense of attainment. However, the worth of the accomplishment produced in the other person’s relationship is of no significance. It is like chess; the ‘who killed who’ is not viewed from the chess figures’ point of view. The chess player figures, after all, are only wood, plastic, or stone objects. For them, it is not about the chess figures but THE EGO OF THEIR PLAY DYNAMICS.

 

These people are also known for one exclusive trait.   If the separated couple comes back together and re-unites ­, these people cannot bear it.   They can scarcely hide their disappointment behind their plastic smiles.   AVOID THIS GROUP.

 

Friends are known, trusted, and liked.   The underlining tone centres on genuineness.   People in this category may not always be accessible, especially in how our hectic society is developing.   Despite time pressure and long distances, friends still exist and are very much within reach of every living person.   Friends are an excellent and much-needed source of comfort.   We cannot estimate the value of friends.   We can only realise the importance of friends by observing the situation of people who have no friends, especially in times of crisis.   What invariably happens is that these people run the risk of severe depression, despair and perhaps the contemplation of suicide. In an ordinary sense, friends are that vital ‘link’ that keeps a person from falling to pieces.   In this essential role that friends play, ‘Friendliness’, this context centres around ‘Consolation and Support’ rather than ‘Comfort’. Concerning a marital conflict, helpful friends may fall into one of the categories mentioned below:

  1. ONE-SIDED FRIENDS
  2. MIDDLE LINE FRIENDS
  3. NON-COMMITTAL FRIENDS

One type of friend has a strong sense of leaning towards one partner, through thick or thin.   It involves taking sides.   We will call these friends the ONE SIDERS,

 

By contrast, if the friend tries to adopt a middle line between the partners, they assume the role of a PEACEMAKER, a counsellor, or a mutual confidant.    These are the so-called MIDDLE LINERS.

 

The NON-COMMITTAL friends do not take any side; they hear whatever any spouse wants to confide in them.   They treat both spouses; equally, do not arbitrate, and do not exchange information. Instead, they are hospitable and consoling to either party who needs to talk.

 

When dealing with human relationship problems, all these personality traits are needed.   For a start, let us discuss the ‘One-Sided Friend and the Middle Liner Friend’; friendship roles are required.   To differentiate between the two types of friends, – the ‘one-sider’ lean toward one partner and helps look after the emotional well-being of the person in distress. In contrast, the ‘middle line friend helps bring both partners together.   The middle-line friend can work only when the one-sided friend has lovingly held the distressed person from emotionally going to pieces.

Both roles are needed because even though the ‘one-sided friend’ performs the noble, sincere and neck ­-risking function of holding the distressed person together, they may not be able to bring a successful reunification between the partners.   The somewhat more diplomatic and less emotionally involved ‘middle-liner’ friend may be able to provide the equally needed negotiation.   These middle-liner friends have a gift of personality to be acceptable to both persons.   Acceptability to both persons is very important.   In addition, both spouses trust them.   They have the skill to untangle the wooliness of things being said and bring the topic back on track.   Wooliness and talking past each other will happen to both parties in any marriage counselling discussion.   Woolliness and talking past each other are happening because of confusion. In a way, they are using the tongue (BODY) to talk about what the MIND has told it to say, but the origin of the conflict is the HEART, where the emotions reside.   It is the emotional side where the war is.   There are complex factors in understanding the HEART.

 

Consequently, improper information is passed on to the MIND to process.   The MIND is the seat of a person’s analytical abilities and memory capabilities.   Suppose the ‘incoming’ material from the HEART is confusing. In that case, the MIND has no option but to analyse confused ‘Input material’ and produce confused ‘out-put’ matter for the BODY to speak.   In parallel, the MIND stores ‘confused data’ in the memory.   These ‘middle liners’ are capable and willing to be arbitrators and work towards reunification.

 

THE ONE-SIDED FRIENDS

Even though the ‘One Sided’ friend and the ‘Middle liner’ friend work very differently, they are a team, and both are needed.   The ‘one-sided’ friend holds the spouse from going to pieces so that the ‘middle liner’ can patch them together.   This team can be unique because they may work independently of each other.   They may not even know each other. They may never even meet.

 

When marital conflicts are solved, the partner may see enough reasons to bury the hatchet as far as the spouse is concerned.   But what happens to friends? Because of our human nature, it is easy to harbour resentment toward the ‘one-sided’ friend of the partner.   We tend to view these friends as enemies.   We either openly or discretely keep them at bay; we are calm, distant, or downright hostile to them.    We even expect or perhaps demand that the partner break all links with them.   We tend to instil a sense of guilt in the partner if they should continue the friendship.

 

A friend is also not without feelings.   They suddenly feel, “Where am I?” “How do I stand, as far as the friendship is concerned?”, “Have I made the gross mistake of being a fool to have befriended him/her?”, “Should I have avoided both ­? After all, it is their affairs, not mine anyway?”, “Should I have rigidly been a ‘middle-liner?”, Really, after all my time and efforts, do I deserve to be the object of wrath and contempt?” These and many other similar ‘thoughts’ come to the one-sided friend.   There is also a sense of feeling ‘discarded’.    There is a feeling of having made an unnecessary and stupid move.   There is a sense of loneliness.   There is a sense of alienation.   A sense of self-pity tugs the heartstrings and says, “I tried to do good and see what has happened to me?”

 

Now that the marital conflict is over, it is our turn to think about the one-sided friend and befriend them in return.   We must lighten the friend’s emotional burden.   It is a task to reinstate and elevate the friend to a position of value.   Paying them the honour of showing them how much you appreciate their efforts is a duty.   While the person who was in distress is undoubtedly grateful to the friend, the spouse must make this ‘one-sided’ friend feel welcomed.   It is not easy for the spouse of the benefited friend to be equally grateful. It is like swimming against the current. It is certainly not always easy, and it costs a lot to swim against our immature nature.   This ‘one-sided’ friend kept your spouse intact so that you could have them once the storms of conflict have passed.   This ‘one-sided’ friend preserved you from any remorse of conscience should your spouse have done anything damaging during the separation.   Many things could have happened.   The emergency ward and trauma care centres encounter these types of tragedies daily.   God, in His mercy, provided you and the spouse with a special guardian angel to shield the spouse from going to pieces and you from perhaps permanent guilt.   It is only proper and correct that you should take the initiative to make the spouse’s ‘one-sided’ friend welcome and reinstate them into a position of honour that they rightly deserve.

 

There may be up to 5 different groups of ‘PERSONS’ in solving a marital conflict.   They are:

1          The One-Sided Friends

2          The Middle-Line Friends

3          The Non-Committal Friends

4          The Spouses themselves

5          There is God’s mercy and redemptive healing.   I have put God as the last point because, ultimately, He is at the highest level in the reunification process.

 

It is our duty to:

(a)  Re-pay the friend for their valuable services.

(b)  To remove a sense of guilt or uncomfortableness from the spouse.

(c)  To build a more rewarding and fuller friendship for yourself.

(d)  To re-structure one’s attitude about the spouse’s one-sided friends to a higher level of thinking.   Beyond all doubts, the conquest of self is the most complicated and ongoing struggle; we will have all through life.

 

Perhaps, we may not feel comfortable when someone refers to the words ‘immature nature’.   It is childish because we may not immediately grasp the point that the noble and unselfish sacrifice of the friend prevented your spouse from going to pieces or doing something reckless.   In straightforward terms, it is this friend who saved your spouse.   This friend saved you from shame, sorrow, and perhaps irreversible guilt. Let us face the harsh probabilities: suppose the partner ventured into recklessness and was driven to a sin of one kind or the other or was maimed for life or committed suicide. Would it be easy to live with your conscience?

 

Would the sense of remorse ever leave you? These are very high and very difficult prices to pay.   Thanks to the spouse’s one-sided friend who saved you these problems.   Think it over! There are innumerable instances where we have to re-look at our attitudes ­; this may be one of them.

 

 THE MIDDLE-LINE FRIENDS

Usually, the ‘middle-line’ friends who act as peacemakers, or counsellors, do not face the same post-Conflict actions and difficulties as the ‘one-sided’ friends.   The ‘middle line’ friends may eventually come out as well-seen persons.   Perhaps someone may respect them for their negotiation skills, superior intellect, etc. In contrast, the poor ‘one side’ friend may not have any glamour attached to their invaluable service of holding the distressed person in one piece.

 

Please do not mistake the words non-committal for non-Committed. On the contrary, these ‘middle-line’ friends are very committed.   Their role, however, during the conflict stage is ‘Low Profile.

 

THE NON-COMMITAL FRIEND

The NON-COMMITAL friend, in contrast to the one-sided friends and the middle lines, has a backstage role.   They do not feel equipped to sort matters out while the conflict rages. Nevertheless, this group fulfils one or more of the following tasks.   They are:

  1. Genuine good wishers.
  2. They usually prayerfully intercede.
  3. They allow any or both spouses to: ‘Let off steam, ‘To pour out their troubles, ‘To lend a shoulder.
  4. They offer hospitality and kindness.
  5. They do not exchange news with outsiders ­ they keep things confidential.
  6. They offer encouragement.
  7. They are willing to be helpful in any way.

 

Let us re-look at point(3).   They allow one or both spouses to let off steam, pour out their troubles, and lend a shoulder. In different chapters of this book, we have seen underlining differences between men and women in their thinking and root behaviour. Most people have been too busy learning their careers; very few have formal education in conflict management, with Marital Conflict as the super speciality.   These NON-COMMITTAL friends recognise that both spouses think differently.

Knowingly or unknowingly, the spouses’ thinking variation produces different viewpoints and needs.

 

The motivation, however, is different.   The person is trying to ‘structure’ his thoughts.   He is trying to form a structure so he can analyse it.

 

The non-committal friend is someone with whom he feels he can articulate and think aloud.

 

The woman’s need is pouring out of her heart and sorrow.   The analysis is not the prime purpose.   Honest, well-meaning suggestions are what she would like to let out and ventilate her heart. Speaking her heart is her way of relieving herself.   The voice of her heart seems to say, “I am crying, I do not know where to go, so I have come to you.   – I cannot fly; I am too worn out. May I tarry for a while and talk with you.”

 

Usually, when the conflict is solved, this group of non-committal friends is readily acceptable to both spouses.   So humanly, they help turn the fragile, newly established relationship into a lasting one. Admittedly, they were low profile during the conflict and still low profile after the battle, but their contribution during both stages is gigantic.

 

One of the most admirable compositions of friendship words has been:

JOHN 15:13

13 “GREATER LOVE HAS NO ONE THAN THIS, THAN TO LAY DOWN ONE’S LIFE FOR HIS FRIEND.”   

Maybe we are lucky enough to be spared the days of high drama, family wars and civil conflicts.   But the underlining tone of the statement has validity in today’s marital separations and disputes.   Even though their friend may not have to lay down their life for their friend, they certainly lay down their time and efforts and risk degradation to the level of a fool or enemy or an element of disunity and disruption.   The list of allegations can be long and hurting.

 

Despite all these allegations, the fact remains that the friend did, at least to some degree, lay down something of themselves for the couple. The married couple may never be able to return the favour, but they can show appreciation for the friend’s nobleness and sincerity.

 

Besides holding the spouse in one piece, often it has been the one-sided friend(s) who have inspired or encouraged the spouse to take up something like a job, a hobby, improve skills or bring out latent talents.   They have often been instrumental in bringing out the good in your partner.   So, after the reconciliation, you have a spouse who is kept intact, and some additional good features have surfaced.   Is not this also another reason to be grateful to the friend? If you see even a glint of improvement in your spouse, tell the One-sided friend about it.   Often, appreciation is the only ‘currency’ you have at your disposal to make up to the friend and, of course, the partners.   So do not feel bad ­ make the friend feel good ­ and you will begin to feel better.   Up to now, this chapter on Friends is about the close circle of friends.

 

But the words’ Friends’ and ‘Friendship’ can and should cross much broader frontiers.   Dr Tom Dooley wrote one of the autobiographies I read in college.   These autobiographical sketches made moving impressions on me.   Dr Tom was a young American doctor serving in Laos.   He died at 34, but his writings will live on for generations, inspiring people for generations to come.   I have gathered inspiration from his many books and the way he thought.   This last letter that Dr Tom Dooley wrote brings out his thinking about the broader aspects of friendship in a way that is so rich and meaningful.   It was a great privilege to come across this letter, and I would like to share the richness of this Man’s thinking with you.   This letter has nothing to do about marriage.   It is a letter from a person to his friend.   It tells the friend that he has heard of his passing from medical school and congratulates him.   Its word sketches a bit of what it is like in his environment.   In friendship, he encourages his new doctor friend to a possibility and to consider the loftiness of his profession in serving the needy.   In a way, it is a brilliant outreach of a person, to his younger, new doctor friend, in friendship.   Dr Tom Dooley is – Inspirational.

 

TOM DOOLEY’S LAST LETTER

At the time of his death, Dr Tom Dooley was preparing a book with this letter.    The only chapter he could finish is a fitting epilogue to his life’s work. The tone of the letter is exquisite. But unfortunately, I have not found the heirs of the letter for their permission to reproduce it here. I have, therefore, only word sketched a few of his brilliant thoughts.

From the book “PROMISES TO KEEP” by Agnes Dooley.   Agnes Dooley is Tom’s Mother.

Tom wrote the letter while in the Village of Muong Sing in The Kingdom of Laos.

Tom to his younger friend Bart.

The letter introduces Bart to living high in northern Laos’s foothills of the Himalayas.   He describes tropical vegetation, which is alien to Bart’s life; His enthusiasm for writing by kerosene light late at night, and the vivid reality of monsoon rain and tropical storms.

From that faraway place, he salutes the greatness of his friend’s accomplishment and describes how he reaches out to congratulate him on becoming a doctor.

As a senior friend, he places thoughts on considering what it would be like to offer a year or two of his incredible new gifts of medicine to people of the poorest among the poor.

He tells him how these people have very little.

The witch doctors, quacks and superstition are their only available recourse.

 

Statistics reveal:

  • In the Congo, 13 million people and not one native doctor.
  • In South Vietnam, 11 million people, about 18 doctors,
  • In Cambodia, 5 million people and about seven doctors.
  • In Laos, three million people and only one Laotian doctor.

 

Dr Tom says this age is sometimes called the “Age of the shrug’, which in every way is still true today. Then he brings on that monumental text:

“- – – You and I, Bart, are the heirs of all ages.   We have been born and reared in freedom.   We have justice, law and equality.    But we have over looked another side of our inheritance.    We have also the legacy of hatred, bred by careless men before us.   We have the legacy of abuse, degradation and the inhumanity of men blinded by prejudice and ignorance.   To people like you and me, richer in educational opportunities than many, this is a challenge.   To accept it is a privilege and a responsibility.”

 

He tells him how people are the same everywhere. The kids cry like they do in America.   The old gals complained about waiting in line, just like they do in America.

He tells him to bring a sense of humour; it goes a long way, especially when you discover that the witch doctors put cow dung over your sterile compresses and your patient ate all the pills at one dose.

He encourages him to bring a spirit of adventure and to splash human warmth and goodness on people. So- with qualities of the human heart, you will help unify men.

 

“- – – To recapitulate, Bart, I believe that you should use your profession and your heart as a cable to bind men together, kindness and gentleness, daily instruments of the doctor, can be potent weapons against the anger of the world.   Bring your talents, and the spirituality of your heart, to distant valleys like mine.   And take back with you a rich, rich reward.

So along with my congratulations on your graduation, Send my wish that you will know the happiness that comes of serving others who have nothing.

Sincere best wishes always,”

Tom.

 

OUR TRIBUTE TO FRIENDS:

I am not writing about ‘Friends’ merely as influence variables in the game of life or as factors that are part and parcel of the subject matter in a chapter on solving marital conflict.   I write these words about “Friends” with my whole heart and feel for their immense and precious contribution to my family and me.   Without their unselfish help, many things may not be how they are.   Every word I write here resounds with a heartfelt thanks to them.   Every word devoted to “friends” is my humble tribute to those many kind ­ hearted and unselfish people who made life for both of us bearable. Suppose I should have the great fortune that any of my readers has been kind to us during our moments of need.   Through the pages of this book, I would like to tell you how much I appreciate your kindness and friendship.   One day, with God’s help, this book will travel past the geographical boundaries of where you live.   People in distant lands will get something of the kind spirit you once shared with my family and me.   Thank you, and May God bless you always.

 

God Bless You.