17 – EMOTIONS – CTW-2022-E

17 – EMOTIONS – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 17 – EMOTIONS

This Chapter deals with an area of complex human emotions.

Society makes very little time and effort to teach people about emotions. The community at large have shirked off the responsibility to educate this aspect. People are left to learn about EMOTIONS somehow. Avoiding the teaching of EMOTIONS is sad, and an omissive attitude society has taken. Before, when schools taught religion and moral instructions, children got some idea about emotions from the many stories and incidents introduced in the Bible and other Good Books. There was a program in place to teach teachers to teach these instructions. It may be fair to assume that even well-educated people have been too involved in acquiring Knowledge in other professional disciplines. Hence, move through life as though: “If we have no formal education on EMOTIONS and do not know it, it must not be important.” This thinking is not correct. We need EMOTIONAL skills to succeed, regardless of our occupation and role. People and society could have saved themselves from many sorrows, heartaches, and broken marriages. People who run school boards should conduct courses on emotional training. People should recognize that this subject is intrinsic to school education and human well-being. Removing religious teaching and moral instruction classes from schools has robbed their students of the orientation toward God and the Power of Prayer. The absence of study classes on emotions has been a gross omission of our so-called modern social structures.

All emotions are POINTERS or INDICATORS telling us when something in our human relationship is either “Going well or getting or threatening to get off balance”. Our feelings signal the “MIND” to do something about the off-balance.

By themselves, emotions are neither ‘Good’ nor ‘Bad’. Good or Bad is how the ‘mind’ interprets emotional signals. There is ongoing communication between the “HEART” and the “MIND”. The ‘heart’ is passing emotional stimuli to the ‘mind’, with a question as it were, “What do you make of this… ?” The mind draws on its various faculties like Memory, Experience, Analytical and Logical capabilities. Together with these faculties, it does a “SIGNAL PROCESSING” and reverts to the ‘heart’ with its deductions. The total of to and fro communication that result in a conclusion is called FEELINGS.

If these ‘feelings’ also involve the BODY, it is called ACTION. On the other hand, if it is dramatically in response to an action, we call it REACTION. To bring out the difference between ‘action and reaction in the context of emotion, let us look at these examples:

A person goes on a holiday to a place of scenic beauty, and he is so taken up with it that he comes home, writes a poem or song, or paints a picture. We could say that the poem, song, or painting was an action motivated by the emotions within him. This action is peaceful. The TIME component is gradual. The EVENT is an ‘open loop’ that produces some result, like a poem, song, or painting.

On the other hand, take a situation where someone says, “You idiot” to another person, responding with, “You fool.” The response of calling the other person a fool would be a reaction. There is something dramatic about it; TIME is usually spontaneous, if not in word or deed, at least in thought, and there is something of a ‘closed loop’ about the happening . In other words, it ties some other past action to this present action AND has, in effect, all the ingredients to allow a reaction in the other person. In other words, it can cause multiple effects of Action following Reaction until someone or something breaks the ‘Ping Pong’ condition.

As human beings, the saintliness of dealings with emotions revolves around the following:

WE CAN CONTROL OUR EMOTIONS, NOT THAT OUR EMOTIONS CONTROL US.
Since there are a variety of emotions, situations, and intensity of feelings, which we will experience all through life, we must apply point 1 to every case or situation that is bothering us.

Now keeping this wisdom in mind, let us try to understand the emotions mentioned in this Chapter. Above all, how they can affect the untrained mind. Let us examine some of the factors:

JEALOUSY, for example, JEALOUSY is a highly complex topic. For the sake of understanding this subject, I felt it would be best if I divided this Chapter into four sub-divisions, they are:

The Theory of emotional disturbances.
Coping with your JEALOUSY.
The Reaching higher towards improvement.
A Coping up with other people’s JEALOUSY.

THE THEORY OF EMOTIONAL DISTURBANCES

One of the dimensions that make people human is their emotions. Our emotions play a vital role in our day-to-day activities, first toward our self-attitude and secondly towards our attitude toward others. Most often, faulty intra-personal and interpersonal relationships cause many disturbances.

Often enough, we can identify a problem area in ourselves or others and accurately deduce that the problem is emotional. We may begin to wonder if there is any meaningful purpose to our having emotions, especially those which manifest themselves as Depression, Envy, Fear, JEALOUSY, Anger, Possessiveness, Pride, etc.

While many other manifestations of emotions, those mentioned above are likely to be crucial problems in marriage. Among these, POSSESSIVENESS and JEALOUSY rank the highest. These two causes almost invariably instigate the remaining causes and make them appear as supporting villains. Therefore, this sub-chapter area is devoted to explaining the term JEALOUSY.

Before elaborating on the details of JEALOUSY, I would like to write a few words on emotions. Emotions are a necessary part of our life. Among other things, normal emotional responses are healthy (yes, even anger, JEALOUSY, and fear are beneficial). Furthermore, they are warning signals to a person to make him aware that a relationship is going off balance. Becoming aware of your annoyances, sadness, or frustration urges you to do something about it. Usually, you bring the matter up for discussion. Perhaps a compromise is reached that satisfies both parties. And from these efforts, equilibrium and harmony are re-established and can again prevail.

Just as our eyes, ears, nose, tongue, and skin make us aware of the physical environment around us, emotions are a highly complex awareness system of our feeling environment. We should be happy that we possess the faculty of emotion. We should be equally pleased that those around us have the same faculty because this is the ‘feedback’ or echo that we need to re-adjust and steer the direction of our behaviour. In the technological world of Control Engineering, we call this process ‘Regulation’ or ‘Closed Loop Control’. A car driver would typically regulate his car’s direction to the bend and turns of the road; he would also consider the velocity of other vehicles and road users to adjust his speed. By comparison, the disastrous approach would be a kind of an ‘Open Loop Control’ where something would start and travel until it either ran out of energy or struck against something in its path or else was deflected by some tangential force. A bullet leaving a rifle is an ‘Open Loop’ example. Today there are capabilities to have ‘Tele-Guidance’ abilities incorporated into projectiles. For the most part, the regular bullet is beyond the control of the gunman. To live successfully and happily, one cannot travel like an uncontrollable bullet bringing disaster to others and oneself, nor is it used to keep racing on and landing as a spent force.

This Chapter is not for people whose JEALOUSY or POSSESSIVENESS problems are manageable. On the contrary, this Chapter is for people like uncontrolled bullets. This paragraph is for people who become violent and physically sick with fear and cannot conduct their daily affairs because of their OBSTINATE THOUGHTS. These people are among the most wretched of all; they are so blind about their behaviour that they cannot see themselves as their destroyers, their marriage’s destroyers, and their family’s destroyers.

If you remember, in the first Chapter of this book, I wrote that I was baffled at how marriage broke up among well-educated people who practised their Faith. I also mentioned that I was surprised at people who came from good families and were apparently on a very even keel in other relationships, yet their marriage was a disaster. The question that intrigued me was, “What happened? How could this happen to these people? Why did their marriage break up?” While there are undoubtedly many different reasons and diverse reactions for this seemingly similar situation, JEALOUSY had a part to play somewhere during events. It is this culprit that I am trying to expose.

JEALOUSY is an emotional feeling. It is not easy to define it in a clear-cut definition. We all know something about it, like so many things in life, but we find it hard to explain. So, we resort to examples to illustrate the point. What is rather tricky is that JEALOUSY has a knack for camouflaging itself. A jealous person gives the impression of being a very self-confident person. These individuals act like generals about to charge the enemy. They seem to know what they want, fighting like savages. They order their partners around as though the latter were children. They argue their point of view endlessly. Nothing anyone can say to them seems to affect their reasoning. They are quick to resort to giving their partners a so-called Third Degree. For example, if the phone rings and no one answers, they immediately assume something sneaky is happening behind the scenes. They respond with; now I know why you came 15 minutes late from work last Tuesday. The telephone call for them is not an accident. For insecure people, it is proof. The jealous and possessive person is unshakably convinced. The biggest problem with helping these people is that they believe their thinking is the only correct answer and all others are wrong, including any counsellor.

They will clutch and maintain the “MY syndrome” with total defensiveness.

Behind this behaviour is an inferiority complex of mammoth dimensions. People make every effort to conceal symptoms and feelings of inferiority. Concealment is among the foremost characteristic traits of jealous and possessive people. A loose identification reveals six strong characteristics of Jealous and Possessive people, but these features are the driving force behind all the others.

Inferiority Complex

Even if a slight bit of JEALOUSY is present, the person thinks too little of themselves. They perform a psychological act of self-blame. They judge themselves by their actions, performance, achievements, friends, and possessions. If they are better looking, more intelligent, prosperous, or more talented, they believe they are better human beings. If they lose their job, money, or good looks, they immediately conclude that they are lesser human beings. To them, a person and a person’s behaviour are inseparable. Therefore, ‘THEM HAVING’ is of paramount importance.

Inferiority complex originates from Blame and maintains itself on Blame. The self-attacks are:

a) For having love, money, or success and

b) As a total human being, you are worthless and inferior.

These people evaluate their worthiness by whether they feel loved or unloved. To them, their well-being seems to hang almost entirely on how they view their loved one’s approval or disapproval. They fear rejection like nothing else in the world.

Being rejected is perfectly harmless by itself. Of course, rejection is uncomfortable, sad, and inconvenient, but it is nothing to get panicky over or get violent about or a cause to drink oneself to oblivion.

Direct your energies towards changing yourself, and you will be doing something far more constructive than JEALOUSY can ever accomplish. The first point is to accept yourself sincerely, and it will not matter all that much who else welcomes you.

The Master-Slave Mentality

Another aspect of a jealous personality is the Master-Slave mentality. Jealous people continuously proclaim their grievances and emotional pangs loudly and clearly. They scream at their partners, smack them around and hassle them shamelessly. Couples get into shouting matches. Men smash their furniture or drive their fists through the walls, and women smash dishes and throw food; some even tear their clothes to make their complaints appreciated. The emotional eruptions vary considerably in their frequency as well as duration. It is not easy to live with an intensely jealous or possessive person. They have a dangerous and undemocratic philosophy that they are entirely justified. They take on the role of a slave driver and dictator. They do many things to ensure this dictatorial role. In the case of a man, he may consider his superior strength as his ‘modus operandi’. In the case of a woman, she may try to enlist police protection as a shield against the counterattack and thereby maintain the dictatorial role through a lack of opposition. In time,

They feel their partners are objects they own and can do what they want.
They do not care one bit about the feelings of others, only their own.
They employ two sets of rules or standards in their philosophy: Rules for themselves and the second set of rules for others.
In chronic cases, they think this is their God-given right to demand anything from the other.
Self-Defeating Behaviour

One of the most degrading characteristics of jealous and possessive people is that they are psychologically blind. Yet these people are often bright, sophisticated, schooled, and beautiful. They are capable and outstanding in many areas of their lives. But when it comes to their loved ones, the jealous individual acts as though they are developmentally lacking.

Keeping the fact aside that no one is perfect, the characteristic of a self-defending person is that they are their enemy. In most cases, they drive away, with enormous energy, the very people whose love they fear losing. They are constantly whining, crying, screaming, and making themselves a real pain to their loved ones.

—

Before moving on to the next point, here is something to consider:

She may try to enlist police protection as a shield against the counterattack, thereby maintaining the dictatorial role through a lack of opposition.

Enlisting police protection is a one-time extravagance with almost no return to normalcy.

Here is what this extravagance costs:

The husband will resent the action and never find it easy to FORGIVE. That is nature.

Like a person constantly dealing with the outside world, he has accomplished the art of acting in a civic manner. But, behind the smiles and chit-chat, there is ‘an arms-length distance.’ He has mastered this diplomatic art to keep his job.

If the women in his life ever find out about the wife enlisting the police against “their man”, they will never FORGET you. The wife may think her husband is “Her Man”, but there is a plurality of ownership. His mother thinks he is hers, his sisters, and his daughters even more, and the list continues. The wife has destroyed all her most meaningful allies in one unthinking move.

—

Going to a “disconnected third party”, Police, Priest etc., has the following explanation:

When the husband goes to a “disconnected third party”, he tries to SEEK ANSWERS. He is attempting TO SOLVE A PROBLEM, as he would do in his working tasks.

When the wife goes to a “disconnected third party”, she tries to SEEK PROTECTION.

In either case, there will be some amount of BACKLASH.

The only way to have a BACKLASH-FREE SOLUTION is to turn to God. God made the husband; God also made the wife. He knows how to solve all conflicts.

The advisor who advised the wife to go to the police will immediately and forever become muck when the wife and husband realize who the instigator is. Then, the advisor can find a new circle of acquaintances.

—

Sometimes the writing may read as though the man is favoured. But no. The wife desires to feel, “I WON THIS GOD GIVEN MARRIAGE”.

For her to feel:

“My husband is a HUNTER; his fights and struggles are on the outside

I am a GATHERER, and my accomplishments are to be the best HOME MAKER.

THIS HOME IS HIS CASTLE, AND I GIVE HIM REPOSE.”

The wife should know that she is:

THE GOD-GIVEN BEACON TO GUIDE HIM ONWARD INTO THE FUTURE.

In the same breath, she is also the GOD GIVEN BEACON TO GUIDE THEIR CHILDREN ONWARD INTO THE FUTURE.

Knowing that your ROLE is more than words can ever describe your Worth and Value is positive.

If WORTHLESS EMOTIONS are the deterrent to success, let worthless emotions know THAT YOU MARSHALLS SUCCESS WINNING EMOTIONS.

Difficulty in Accepting Responsibility

One of the most startling personality traits among jealous and possessive people is their difficulty accepting responsibility for their JEALOUSY. This point is interesting. They do not realize that JEALOUSY is evil. Its in-built mechanism prevents the acceptance of responsibility; thereby, it can continue to perpetuate itself and maintain its hold on the person. Most often, jealous and possessed people are free when they accept that their actions or behaviour are causing both them and others to be miserable. This acceptance of responsibility instils in them the need to change.

Let us illuminate this highly self-maintaining area of JEALOUSY and how it works. Almost without fail, jealous person accuses their mates of making them miserable and afterwards tormenting them. Rarely do they view the reality of the problem. The truth is that they are mainly responsible for their problems and ARE RESPONSIBLE for their feelings of JEALOUSY.

Firstly, they believe their partner, or some third person, is the cause and reason for their emotional disturbance, regardless of whatever anyone may say.

Most jealous people do not have much self-control. Invariably they insist:

1) The spouse or someone in their circle of contacts must admit that they are upsetting them.

2) The spouse should do something about the problems. In their mind, everyone else is the problem except them. Therefore, everyone else requires change except them.

3) Then only they will have peace of mind again.

This analysis is wrong.

FIRST: no one can make you jealous:

It comes from how you THINK about your mate’s behaviour,

Not the behaviour itself.

SECOND: you should do something about your JEALOUSY, not make the spouse squeeze into your narrow outlook.

Even though there are times when certain things are valid, then, really, how many of us have husbands or wives that the whole world is dying to acquire? Everyone has their preferences in taste; your spouse may be the best in your eyes, but they may be just ordinary people in other people’s eyes.

This Chapter is on JEALOUSY in general, but we should mention that one of the defensive areas of JEALOUSY involves the threat to fidelity. Despite all the sexual revolutions, it is still a fact that most people have an enduring relationship with only one person at a time. People usually do not receive their illicit lovers with joy or delight. These involvements happen after many sleepless nights, regrets, even anguish and finally, a feeling of resignation. Before contemplating a new romance, be aware that a contemporary romance has enormous wrestling with temptation. A million dreams lie in a scrap heap. Maintaining JEALOUSY and heartlessness toward the spouse opens a free entrance for the heels of a thoughtless lover to grind the marriage relationship into the ground.

Barring a few cases of variety seekers, generally, people are faithful. So, distrust arises out of a conviction of feeling unlovable. The trick is to overcome JEALOUSY by improving oneself virtuously rather than wasting time or effort to force others to love you more. Overcoming JEALOUSY is difficult, but it is possible.

Selfishness and Immaturity

Most severely jealous people are selfish. However, before going into selfishness, it is essential to examine two terms: ‘ Selfish’ and the other is ‘Self-interested’.

A Selfish person‚ wants their way without considering the desires or needs of the other person. It is a one-way street. Thinking as a one-way street is counterproductive because most relationships in life function on a ‘give and take’ basis if they are to remain stable.

Being self-interested‚, on the other hand, is healthy; it places oneself and desires above those of others at times. We need to realize that one day, a favour needs repayment. The test between selfishness and self-interested will be if one is willing to:

a) Return the favour.

b) Allow someone else, at some point, a privilege like the one you are asking. The aspect of selfishness is almost always an area of immaturity. We should look at a child’s behaviour to understand this pattern’s mechanics. If a child wants a sweet and the mother says’ NO,’ the child instantly changes the wish into demand and performs a temper tantrum. Why? Because- The child did not get what he asked. The step further was that the child did not get what it demanded. In an exactly similar way, anger is the result of a neurotic demand out of healthy wishes. Anger is an adult temper tantrum.

A jealous person makes perfectly normal, reasonable, and sane requests. However, they get mad and bitter when they do not get their way; they start acting like a child. For a child, gratification must be immediate; otherwise, it is unhappy. If it wants a toy, it wants it now. If an adult wants a car, he may have to wait several months before he has sufficient money to pay, so he patiently waits and works towards acquiring the vehicle. Waiting is possible for him due to maturity, which he has cultivated over the years.

If minor children are together, they soon get into trouble over some trifling matter. Why? Because for them, the ‘Here and Now’ concerns them. Growing up, they learn how to wait and then act maturely. Some varieties of JEALOUSY-provoking incidents crop up only later in life, and we face them for the first time as adults. If we know this, we will call on our general, all-around maturity training to help tackle these new variations of JEALOUSY-producing stimuli. If we forget to take a mature view of the situation, the child in us takes over and tries to work things out immaturely.

FEARFULNESS

Jealous people tend to feel threatened by almost everything, even simple and innocent events. Almost anything can set off these otherwise fine and decent people. No conceivable way their families, friends, or lovers can behave so perfectly that the jealous person will not feel threatened by some innocent act.

Most mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflicts arise out of this. They feel the other person is a threat. A threat to what? Neither knows what they fear, but they still feel threatened. After all, the love of a man for his mother is different from that of his wife. Despite the difference, each one harbours this form of adult spook and refuses to let go. Most people who exhibit paranoid tendencies feel threatened by a ‘phantom’ in their minds. It indicates weakness in Faith, which we will discuss later in the chapter FEAR-THREAT.

A SURPRISING AREA OF MARITAL JEALOUSY

Many areas of marital JEALOUSY are self-evident from the fact that a third person or situation is involved. For example, a third situation may be his compulsion to fraternize with football club friends or her indulgence in outside social activities. Regardless of whether the threat is real or imaginary, the grouse is relatively easy to identify. The fear is that they feel insecure. Or that something can undermine their security. However, one area of marital JEALOUSY is somewhat elusive and not transparent enough to identify lay people, especially relatives, in-laws and good friends with no previous knowledge and experience in this area.

Marital stress caused resulting in JEALOUSY because the spouse is rising in a career.

When a wife rises in a career to levels beyond her husband, everyone anticipates strife, tension and resentment stemming from the husband’s JEALOUSY. This everyone seems to understand and usually makes sufficient efforts and compromises to re-establish harmony. Stress and irritation arising from a wife’s success are understandable, not a surprise.

The surprising area is when a husband rises in his career. Many varied and frequent manifestations of marital disharmony arise out of this development. Let us try to illuminate this area of contention.

Since humanity invented the career concept, this form of marital harmony has been there. However, the modern age has brought some additional dimensions. It is these extra and precise dimensions that I would like to bring out.

In our modern age, education and career advancement are within reach of anyone willing to work for it. Gone are the days when a person had to belong exclusively to royalty or at least be the child of a wealthy merchant or landlord to get a higher education or make it up the career ladder. The enlargement of opportunities also brings a variety of emotional influences for the ordinary person, perhaps far less in previous years. For instance, many more men today are married while still studying or may once again decide to study after being married for some time.

One of the marriage partners may fully acknowledge and support the spouse to embark on further studies. The ambition is collective. For example. He becomes Mr Graduate, and she becomes the wife of Mr Graduate. To make this collective dream come true, she adopts a supportive role. The supporting role could be breadwinning, using her finances, sharing more in family responsibilities, and enlisting support from her family and friends. This supportive role of a wife is also present in non-academic areas of career advancement. For example, a capable and qualified husband may venture into business. A wife may be extremely self-sacrificing and supportive; it may give him the right kind of encouragement, especially when the going is tough. Then for no significant reason, she gets unbearable; she begins in many ways to eat his brains, to make him and herself miserable. She may openly and blindly try to wreck his advancement and exert pressure by deserting him and taking away the children. Through either subtle or direct ways, try to communicate that there are inadequacies.

One of the most apparent inadequacies is Finance. She goes through the process of positively discouraging visitors to the home, not necessarily by being rude or offensive but by raising a fight after they leave. Soon after the visit, she waves a list of material inadequacies before his face. Still worse and even more hurting are the long lists of things she had bought or purchased which should have been purchased by him. She brandished various good acts before his face. Through this process, she not only prevents social contact, which he may have but goes a step further by not allowing him to feel free to visit friends (Because he knows that he cannot feel comfortable inviting them over to his place in return). A kind of social embargo happens. It is not that the social prohibition is an end to itself or the desire for her to have her things paid for and back. Nor is it a whimsical urge to brandish her goodness which drives her incessantly. It is an expression of insecurity.

Here is the gist that a professional counsellor had on his records:

Another surprising yet frequent manifestation is the husband’s career. Here is an example of a woman who felt quite comfortable with her husband’s job if he socialized with people who were no better educated or no more sophisticated than she was. She was always a supportive wife. She helped her husband through college, entertained guests as needed to advance his career, and seemed a stable person who knew what she was doing. Her marriage seemed idyllic until the news that her husband had gotten a significant promotion one day. Ironically that proved to be the beginning of her problem. Her husband now dressed well, ate lunches in the executive dining room, and mingled with people of success, sophistication, and travel. She now perceived him as growing beyond her. While he was becoming Mr Big Shot, in her mind, she FELT inadequate and said, I am just his wife, whom he does not need anymore. The man had a deep sense of gratitude. The problem was not one of him not being demonstrative; it was one of her feeling unable to keep up with him.

Further, nothing he could do could give her peace of mind. Because she defined worthiness for herself as being someone whom her husband must need, she felt frightened and threatened by his success.

Is it not a shame? They both worked hard for years to reach their dreams, and when her husband became successful, her exquisite supportive sensitivity turned into a nightmare. Of course, none of this nightmare is necessary, but that is how JEALOUSY works.

(a) A neurotic need for approval and

(b) An intense feeling of inferiority.

We should remember both these are conquerable. The trick in dealing with any emotional problem concerning the self is knowing that emotion is a sensory feeling. In other words, emotion is a functional entity providing behavioural guidance. However, we should also learn to keep emotion in place constantly. Otherwise, it assumes such proportions to rule over the person.

It is seemingly that deep and unsinkable fear of “Mrs No- Longer- Necessary” that drives her to fear. What she fears is the fact that his income will be more than double. From now on, finances will be all on his own steam. It is hard for her to imagine how he would still need her support.

Take a business situation; if the man is successful, he will be able to wipe off all debt within one year. Despite the advantages, his success can bring her, her fears of no longer being in the supportive role cause fear in her. This fear monopolizes her thinking all the time. If someone else should ask her, “Should your husband stop studying or give up his business and take up a regular job? Would that make you happy?” She will most sincerely not agree. In other words, she unconsciously indicates that she would like to be the wife of Mr Big Shot, yet is also equally concerned about whether she may become “Mrs No Longer Required”.

Somehow this fear, insecurity and JEALOUSY must be communicated for her to understand her interior. It is equally, if not more important, her husband knows about this fear and JEALOUSY. After all, solving this problem needs both partners. The wife has to spend a lot of effort to push fears and JEALOUSY out of her mind. On the other hand, the husband must keep assuring her that he will still love her, even after He is Mr Big-Shot and even when she is older. She fears whether Mr Big-Shot will prefer to exchange his 40 years old against two twenties. In general, women do need a lot more assurance than men. Their reasons are obvious; man’s securities are visible in promotions and his bank accounts’ advancement. Her accomplishments are less visible. That is why women need a lot more assurance.

This fear and JEALOUSY complex is foolish and unnecessary to harbour, nurture, and cultivate. Why? Because people, in general, are not ungrateful. Somewhere they always know and keep alive the remembrance of where they were and where they now find themselves. They also know who helped and supported them as they came up. As the promotions rise and the bank balances grow, he yearns to share it with someone. He loves to buy expensive things and see them on his loved ones. Men can buy a car, but how many men have you seen wearing and changing the jewellery they buy? Were those items of jewellery not for their wife?

Such fears are unfounded because a wife and children are the incentives for men to advance their careers. A wife (and children) is the anchor point that keeps a man fixed on his job, despite all battering and shattering that the office and business world deal out to him. After all, it would not be entirely correct to imagine his work spot is a carefree park where he goes from morning to evening to laze and bask around. Or a palace where the company provided him with subordinates to read wishes through closed eyes as he reclined on a swivel chair. And then immediately execute these wishes to his entire satisfaction. It is also not a place where superiors are merely to douse him regularly with a monthly income. It is also not where time gaps are filled by catering to his business launches and foreign trips. The real business world has a different undercurrent. He still needs his wife as that endearing person she has always been. He always needs the kindness and supportiveness of her role. In many ways, her value increased because he was no longer young. He cannot afford to be as carefree as he was younger. His time frame and career are more rigid. He needs a person he can trust totally. He needs his wife. Marriage to him is not his youth’s mistake but the beacon guiding him through the future. A wife, children and marriage are the beacons that guide him through rough and uncertain waters. – Every single day. She is the mother of his children. She is the mother of his little ambassadors who will go into time beyond his own. These wives are not foolish but are not aware of these points. So, they cling to this form of JEALOUSY with a vice-like grip. It is not stupidity that brings this notion. Notions are constantly drifting past us all the time. We should realise that this fear is also a notion, nothing more. It can do no damage to us by itself. Only the self-talk we indulge in keeps telling us, “I run the risk of becoming Mrs Not Needed Anymore.” This self-talk creates the adult Boogieman, and it is the self-talk that keeps the Boogieman present in our minds.

While on this subject, we should examine four terms that are often vaguely understood by the average reader and are, therefore, commonly swapped around with each other. These terms are JEALOUSY, POSSESSIVENESS, ENVY and SUSPICION. It usually does not matter how these terms are exchanged and interchanged. But if you suffer from the first two or are a victim of the first two cases mentioned above, it is better to understand these emotional conditions and precisely how they differ. Therefore, we will take them up differently to bring out the differences.

ENVY

Envy can also be a healthy emotion because it can spur you on to achieve good that you might easily ignore. For example, during a conversation, a boy found that his classmate regularly played competitive chess, which he considered too much for himself. Now that he found out that his classmate was able to complete it at the state level, he also wanted to be able to do the same. And he made efforts to improve his skills. It is Envy that spurs him on to better his game. This form of Envy is healthy if he becomes happy with his improvements.

Envy is an emotion. So, it can be either good or bad. The example mentioned above was positive. Later, we will see a negative form of this emotion.

JEALOUSY

Suppose the man had resented his colleague’s jogging abilities and wanted to be the only one who could jog the distance; that would be JEALOUSY. The hallmark of a jealous person is that he wants total success or gain. One’s sense of security rests on being the sole owner, the best at something, or the only person in a particular position or relationship. The person is highly uncomfortable until that comes about. JEALOUSY is always a neurotic emotion. In JEALOUSY, a third party is involved.

For example:

I
SUCCESS or GAIN
NO COMPETING PERSON

POSSESSIVENESS

The POSSESSIVENESS emotion is like JEALOUSY. But instead, the person demands constant attention and companionship for themselves. But no third person is involved.

For example:

I
The PERSON I WANT – OR THE THING I WANT – OR – THE SUCCESS or GAIN

JEALOUSY and Possessiveness are incredibly self-defeating emotions. Unlike Envy, which can help one achieve goals, JEALOUSY and Possessiveness help one lose goals. The more compulsive you become about love, the less likely you will get it.

SUSPICION

Suspicion can be acute observations, intelligent guesswork, and detective snooping. As such, they are healthy feelings warning you of danger. Do not dismiss them. BUT DO NOT convert them into JEALOUSY.

People frequently interchange JEALOUSY and ENVY of the four terms mentioned above, as though they have the same meaning. However, JEALOUSY and ENVY are different.

JEALOUSY involves the “I”, “My”, “Self”, or “Our”.

ENVY involves“Non-I”, “Non-My”, “Non-Self”, “Non-Ours“, but “Others”.

An example of three ladies whom we will call A, B, and C:

A, B, and C are from the same locality and background and have been classmates for years. They still meet regularly as good friends.

A and B both have a son. The boys are the same age, attend the same class, and have similar physical and academic abilities.

A’s son is selected to be the school captain.

B could feel JEALOUS. The whispers of her mind could sound like this, “Why A’s Son? Why not MY Son?”

Now C has no children; she is not even married. But she takes the news and feels negative about it. The whispers of her mind sound something like, “Every good thing happens to A, now even through her son.”

What is bothering C is not JEALOUSY but ENVY. She is unhappy because good fortune is happening to another person, even though this good news could not come her way. After all, she has no children anyway. C is not bothered about the boy; her displeasure centres around something good fortune coming A’s way. The other person’s good fortune is the reason for her discomfort.

C was equally good to both A’s and B’s sons. C Treat the boys like her own nephews too.

The Envy does not go down to the boys, only to her friend. This Envy is, unfortunately, not a good form of Envy.

Up to this stage in the Chapter has been dealing with:

1) Theory of emotional disturbance.

You are coping with your JEALOUSY.

You are reaching higher towards improvement.

You are coping with other people’s JEALOUSY.

COPING UP WITH YOUR JEALOUSY

People are often reluctant to go into counselling because they fear discovery about themselves. The fear is because the counselling could reveal a ‘horrible’ self-discovery. And they must live with the thought that they can do nothing about it. So, the discovery of self is the reason why people avoid self-knowledge.

Fortunately, there is little truth in these beliefs. First, anything you learn about yourself is nothing new. If you discover you are sensitive, afraid of rejection or a perfectionist, etc. So what?

As long as we are alive, we will have some imperfections. No one can be perfect. So, armed with this Knowledge, we can begin to face ourselves squarely, and we can improve.

Secondly: Emotional problems are surmountable, and there is no such thing as having to be saddled with the issue forever. After all, we have learned to behave the way we are. Whatever we know can be unlearned and corrected. No one was born jealous or possessive they developed these ways.

The beauty of this is that it is all up to us. We do not have to wait for some falling star to make an improvement possible. People have given up long-standing habits like smoking or drinking, or drugs. Of course, it was not easy, but it was possible. In its realm, it was an accomplishment, so even emotional achievements are possible.

Some of the main grouse points that hold a person down are:

a) That they must be perfect to be worthwhile.

b) The house, job, husband, children, wealth, and social standing must be perfect to be worthwhile.

c) They think people must love them to be worthwhile.

d) That others’ behaviour can directly upset them.

In quiet introspection, use your intelligence and ask yourself why you should still harbour these notions. These are just notions, after all. There is nothing to an idea except that we may give it importance in our thought life. It would be cleverer if we go flat out and put self as master and notion down to the status of emotional indications; this is where ideas belong. One of the simplest ways is to be downright firm and say, “I WILL BREAK THE JEALOUS HABIT.”

Surprisingly, a simple, direct, straightforward command goes directly TOWARD CHANGING the mind’s attitude. But, of course, this “I WILL BREAK THE JEALOUS HABIT.” sounds easier said than done.

This technique often fails because:

We tend to attribute undue invincibility to A BAD HABIT,
And we psychologically believe THE HABIT of being more potent than OUR WILLPOWER.

We must learn to put our minds over the matter IF WE ARE TO BE SUCCESSFUL.

Is it not that hopeful? Can you see how close at hand- Peace of mind is? How can you be discouraged by such Insights? Counsellors encounter people who were neurotically jealous earlier in their lives but are no longer so. Let us stop and re-look at JEALOUSY; we are jealous because we want to possess something of our own. But we should not forget that everything in life is temporary and fleeting – our home, good looks, and health. The primary and whole purpose of man is to reach Heaven. The Bible tells us this very clearly. To be in Heaven is why God sent his Son to save humanity. If we realize this fact, it will be easier to put things into an eternal perspective, and the petty grouse points of this life become trifle and insignificant. As adults, we laugh or smile with the tongue in the cheek when small children quarrel over whose flower is better. Adults think like this because we know that the flowers will fade away sooner or later the grouse point is temporal. In adult life, all grouse points will eventually fade away. So, what is the meaning of burning up with JEALOUSY? These negative emotions automatically get controlled when you change your outlook away from JEALOUSY or anger because anger is JEALOUSY’S frustration and enforcement byproduct.

JEALOUSY is an indicator. JEALOUSY’s rightful position is an indicator. If we give it more attention, it affects our emotional balance. If we allow it to dwell in our thought life, it can become a Behaviour. When JEALOUSY becomes behaviour, it can quickly become a habit. The longer we allow the practice to linger, the more it reinforces its hold. It transforms you into a jealous person. It can be changed if you know what caused it and try hard enough to overcome it. Smile, a new dawn is emerging with all the love and warmth. You have to just WILL IT AWAY. I did not say “wish” it away; I emphasized WILL IT AWAY. Even though both words are in the same direction, there is a difference in the level of the terms. Fundamentally, you should WANT (WILL) it to happen, not casually hope (Wish) that something will make it happen.

To control JEALOUSY and POSSESSIVENESS, you must face up squarely to two points:

1) Know what caused it in the first place and know the ABC of emotions. The first part of this Chapter attempted to project Knowledge.

2) Get control of it, so your peace of mind can be restored and patch up the hurt feelings that your JEALOUSY caused.

We can experience two kinds of pain:

a) Physical and

b) Emotional.

PHYSICAL PAIN AFFECTS THE BODY in obvious ways, like broken bones, spilt blood, bruised skin, etc.

EMOTIONAL PAIN IS DEEP INSIDE but shows none of the above signs common to physical injury. If someone strikes you with his hand, it is correct to say he hurt you. You did not hurt yourself. The hurt was caused not by anybody but by a specific person. That person’s hand caused you pain, and there is little you can do about it except to nurse it and let it heal in time.

But suppose the man throws words, insults, and nasty remarks at you. How would you feel? Hurt? Probably. However, that is emotional pain because your body has no pain. There would be no bleeding, no broken bones, or bruises.

So, where does your pain come from, if not from the undesirable language? IT COMES FROM YOUR OWN WORDS, YOUR THOUGHTS, AND YOUR SELF-TALK. Make certain painful statements to yourself over the man’s unpleasant remarks. THOSE PAINFUL STATEMENTS can give you great emotional pain, such as feelings of depression, guilt, inferiority, anger, fear, or JEALOUSY.

Study that statement carefully. It will change your life. Thinking logically and rationally can protect you from any of these emotions. Every time something bothers you, you should think sensibly instead of hysterically.

Whenever one of these distressing thoughts plagues you, instantly say to yourself, “STOP”, Say it quietly under your breath, think it, or say it aloud if you find it works better. Then instantly think of a pleasant scene, a fond memory, or a happy fantasy. Keep thinking of that scene in some detail until you feel better, then go about your daily business. If the obsession emerges, immediately repeat this process. Do this all day every time your thinking plagues you. Keep a daily record with paper and pencil. You will notice that your totals will fluctuate widely from day to day. Do not lose heart. Keep up these techniques, and you will see a marked decline over two to four weeks.

Only one pleasant thought can be dull, so having a few helpful ideas can be handy. These thoughts can be anything like dining in a fine restaurant, enjoying a vacation, some friendly incident from the past, or driving through pleasant countryside. Focus on something lovely. The idea is that you cannot think of something soothing or happy and frightening or threatening simultaneously. Just do not allow self-tormenting thoughts a chance to whirl in your mind.

Speaking of thought, jealous people always have the following hallmark signs:

They have paranoid personalities.

They are exquisitely sensitive.

They tend to project Blame onto others, never on themselves.

They overreact and presume injustice.

The correction for these points is not to take things personally.

In your quest to improve, you very often resort to many methods. Some of the ways are:

a) To examine yourself honestly – just you and your conscience,

b) To talk it over with someone who cares,

If the problem is more complex, you could discuss it with a counsellor. But one of the most important sources is to hear what your spouse has to say. Sometimes there is a fair amount of chaff in this, but there will be a surprising amount of very weighty points. Because of their close and personal contact with you, they can often point out your faults and merits more accurately and are less biased than we are in our own eyes. Therefore, do not tell your mate how wrong they are when they point out that you are being super sensitive. You probably are super-sensitive . Examine it!

III. REACHING HIGHER TOWARDS IMPROVEMENT

The techniques mentioned above are about how a jealous person can improve. Now we want to see how we can positively affect the other person. There are many things in our everyday life which can bring about JEALOUSY.

A) The neighbour’s promotion from pool secretary to the personal secretary to a manager, the husband’s promotion or absence, the neighbour’s new car or bedroom furniture, the neighbour’s children’s performance in class or sport. So many of these factors happen regardless of how we feel or do not feel.

B) On the other hand, how we feel like husband and wife concerning our relationship, or the attention we give to members of the opposite sex, has a direct bearing on how we manage it. It also directly bears what we do about it and how we put any fears of loss or rejection out of our partner’s mind. The same also holds good for colleagues and in-laws.

Whether we are dealing with category A or B, one decisive factor makes all the difference, that is LOVE.

When we want to affect the other person positively, we must always keep LOVE in focus. People love you when and only when you please them. Love is a self-centred emotion. To win the partner, you must try to fulfil at least some of the self-centred desires of the other. Invariable, this calls for us to be ‘Other-Centered’ and, simultaneously, give up some of our self-centeredness. We should also remember that it is easy to love someone who is correct in our sense of thinking and who loves us in return. However, it is tough to love someone who is not right in our understanding and does not reciprocate our love. So here is the challenge we face when we want to become super and if we want to reach higher and win.

A word of caution is ‘other centeredness’ is not to be confused with spoiling the lover by giving in total and rewarding them for immature behaviour.

To be correctly ‘other centredness’, you may often have to be firm; we must not forget where there is JEALOUSY, Selfishness is not far behind, and one of the best ways to deal with them is to confront them with a view of other than their own.

The stage beyond selfishness is that it sooner or later gives way to inconsideration. So, by putting specific conditions in your love, you teach that person to “give” and “receive.”

The first stage of progress is,

MATTHEW 19:19

“LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF.”

It is a PHILIA stage.

After that, our goal should be to reach the AGAPE stage, which is:

JOHN 15:12

“LOVE THY NEIGHBOUR AS I HAVE LOVED YOU.”

As I may briefly say, ‘Other Centeredness’ does not mean lying down and letting the partner trample over you. It is in love to win the other person over, become a better person genuinely, and free them from egocentricity.

Psychologists use words to indicate how to go about this ‘give and take’. It is called REASONABLY CONTENT. We have seen earlier that we should also give to make a marriage work and irk out JEALOUSY. Under somewhat similar situations, the amount of ‘give and take’ varies significantly from couple to couple. So, the correct level is what amount each partner needs to be reasonably content. Winning for both partners is extremely important. Succeeding in this context is not a ‘one-sided’ matter. Everyone prefers to win to be happy and healthy. But carrying the drive so far as to achieve total victory for you usually means total defeat for the other. One-sided winning serves no purpose because it will ultimately turn into a failure for you. So, what is the use of being wiser and sadder after many victories? And experiencing a ‘fall out in Love with the spouse’? The trick is to create the following propositions. YOU WILL  I WIN WE WIN- WE ALL WIN. This idea is a WIN-WIN situation. Forget the perfume, the flashy car, and the fancy dance. Sure, they are essential, but being fair, understanding, and considerate does not cost a thing and works a thousand times better.

THERE IS ONE TRAP ONE SHOULD AVOID – THAT IS, TO TOLERATE WITH RESENTMENT. To tolerate resentment does no good over a prolonged period. The reason is that you hurt yourself. What is the use of a destroyed self? The whole essence of togetherness is lost when you are lost. In other words, you face a NO-WIN proposition. It is good to see things from a divine and eternal perspective. If you cannot, explain your point to your partner. Seek counselling but do not smoulder inward until sleep disturbances, weight loss, weight gain, irritability, anger, outburst, depression, headaches, ulcers, skin disorders, lowered sex drive, and spiteful behaviour become integral to you.

Avoid smouldering, use your psychological reflexes, command it to ‘stop’ and think of a pleasant distraction. You have a mind not only to work our mathematical problems and remember birthdays. You got it as a dynamic survival kit; use it just as efficiently as you would hold your job and advance in your career. Now that you attempt to irk JEALOUSY out and improve your marriage, you will make headways, but we must be aware of the ‘BACKLASH’ that is bound to occur. People who do not know about this backlash will catch off balance; surprise will give way to bewilderment and disappointment and disappointment to discouragement. Finally, both partners end up at square one. Ending up at square one is what happens in most situations. Partners try (and some exceedingly earnestly) to patch up, and they succeed. Still, since they are unaware of the backlash, they fall and find each subsequent comeback more discouraging than the previous one until many people stop trying altogether.

Let us face JEALOUSY squarely. It is not only a strong emotion but also a complex one. The aspect of being intense and complex together is a formidable combination. Because of its complexity, we cannot always understand what happens. Therefore, it is even more baffling how JEALOUSY will continue to perpetuate its grip on wrecking all the efforts to overcome it.

We must be clear about where JEALOUSY, Envy, and Possessiveness get their destructive potential. The world may sugarcoat the explanation behind the apron strings of sociology, psychology, and other fancy academic terms. The real power comes from its potential to make people sin.

Love is a strong feeling that people have for each other who:

(a) Have satisfied their deep desire and need.

(b) Are satisfying their deep desire and need.

The marriage develops strains when deep desires go unsatisfied for a long time.

Up to this point, the writing efforts have been on reducing anxieties. However, we are NOW trying to examine how these things backfire despite both partners’ honest and genuine efforts.

A person falling out of love, whose needs are again satisfied, ought to feel loved again, but such is often not the case. Often people who are re-loved do not respond with immediate warmth and gratitude. On the contrary, they become more distant, angrier, and less loving. Both the peacemakers and the strained partners are baffled by this phenomenon. The phenomenon is the ‘BACKLASH’. It happens because of the following reasons:

Suppose you were the one who felt aggressive when the partner tried to make up. You will be the person causing the BACKLASH.

The typical symptoms and reasons for the BACKLASH look like this:

1 When trying to make up with you, your spouse mellows somewhat. It is naturally more effortless for you to register a feeling of anger and resentment at that time. You have bottled up hate and bitterness. These bottled emotions must drain before you can allow yourself to love again. This process takes days, weeks, or months depending on how intense the anger is. The sooner you talk yourself out of the feeling resentful, the sooner you get rid of them. Ventilating does not mean the tongue lashing the partner. It is an honest expression of trying to clear up the resentment. Be patient and understand because your partner needs TIME to drain negative emotions.

2 You may become angry because your mate changed after talking with the marriage counsellor. That can be a bitter experience. You have screamed at your partner for years; you have pleaded, cried, protested, and nothing worked. Then, following talks with the counsellor, your partner comprehends your concerns and makes significant changes almost overnight. Small wonder you feel frustrated, even though you appreciate the improvement.

3 While you were living in considerable frustration for all those months or years, you probably developed fantasies of what you would do after the divorce or fantasized about with whom you would go. You were beginning to plan a new life for yourself, and now you must give up all those plans. Change is another logical reason for annoyance and resentment. Though you may enjoy the revival of your marriage, it comes at the cost of losing a future that might have had great imaginative satisfaction for you.

Suppose you are on the receiving end of the BACKLASH. Accept it when you are trying to repair your love relationship. It can last for months. Let it run its course. Do not fight it. Your warmest overtures will continue to reap verbal attacks, emotional coldness, and complaints about long-forgotten thoughtless acts. As harsh as it may sound, this is your chance to improve your self-control regarding PATIENCE and DIVINE CURRENCY. These are the factors that made people saints.

Be patient. Perhaps you should keep this program up for three to six months. If your lover has an ounce of feeling left, that time ought to revive those few embers of affection to a normal flame. If three to six months of satisfying deep desires and needs do not restore feelings of love, then and only then can we be sure that the flame is almost certainly dead. But wait a moment; all is still not lost . PRAYER CAN STILL BRING EMOTIONAL LIFE BACK. After all, God instituted all marriages. If you sincerely ask God to help you and your spouse, how can He not respond positively? Jesus is the RESURRECTION.

The next important thing to remember is that LOVE NEEDS TIME. Without it, love withers.

LOVE NEEDS TIME should not surprise us when we all recall how we felt during our courtship days. Lovers cherish each other’s company. They walk hand in hand, strolling, talking about private matters. They attend movies together, keep their telephones occupied for long periods, and often resent others who invade that privacy.

It is at this time of togetherness that they need to become lovers. Without it, they would only be acquaintances. This togetherness of minds, hearts, and spirits before they are married and the total togetherness after they are married helps them fight and defeat mistresses, triangles, and divorce. Every married couple should watch out for the intrusion of elements that keep them apart. If they do not see each other enough, they cannot think enough about each other. There may be more truth in the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind”, than in words, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

How is the time component destroyed?

The job and career plan of the husband can quickly strain a marriage. Suppose he works the whole day and then pores over his papers every night; what can his wife have of him or his tired body at 10 PM.? Which wife needs that?

Young husbands are especially prone to this danger. To get their careers moving, they usually put in long hours. Companies expect Junior executives to work whatever hours it takes to do the job. We must not forget that a young husband usually has a wife who would love to enjoy their young life. Sooner or later, the wife is bound to be angry and jealous of the husband’s career.

Those men who are workaholics or who want to be president of the corporation should tell their fiancée about their work plan before they marry. She has a right to know what to expect. If she is looking for a mate who will be home for supper every night, she’d better cancel her wedding plans.

Children are lovely, but they do require a great deal of attention. Being an excellent parent is good, but this should not be at the expense of being less of a spouse. Make time to be with each other. Put the children to bed early some nights so the two of you can cook a meal and have wine by candlelight. Such moments are precious and help you to charge up the love feelings.

In many families where husband and wife work, they both are somewhat worn out at the end of the day. Being worn out is another reason for spending less time.

Working on different shifts is an even greater restriction. Because, as one comes in, the other is rushing to work. Finally, on the weekend, both are worn out.

People run and race through their careers because they want to make their future secure to have a comfortable life later. Monetarily, this makes a lot of sense. But this drive should not be at the risk of full-scale deprivation of the present. After all, you cannot capture the youthful romance the same way when you are older. So, success depends on how well you can strike a balance.

Whether it is your job, children, work shift, or other factors such as hobbies, drinking with the boys, golf, tennis, and gardening, watch so that these activities do not separate you. Sometimes that temporary separation can change into a permanent one.

HOW TO COPE UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE’S JEALOUSY

Living with a jealous person is most difficult because:

a) They are so frightened or angry you cannot reason.

b) They feel that they are correct practically all the time.

c) They deny personal responsibility for their disturbances and insist that others are (Supposedly) at fault; the others must change.

A combination like this is one of the most energy-sapping factors to put up with, especially in a marriage.

The best thing is to lift this partner in prayer to the Lord and ask Him to help. I mean it seriously. God made marriage an institution, and He wants your marriage to work well.

The next thing to do is understand JEALOUSY and not tolerate it. Jealous people often employ the Third Degree on their partners. They ask questions that, if answered, will lead to another question, and this they carry on endlessly, often in repeat cycles repeatedly. If your answer shows even the slightest variation between each interrogation, you are in for a Fourth Degree. It would help if you categorized the question as absurd or not absurd. If they are ridiculous, do not even bother to answer them. If it is of some concern, answer two questions and stop altogether. Ignore the threats of violence, divorce, emotional blackmail, tears, sulking and the like. Allowing them to ask grilling questions will only encourage them to ask more and feed their jealous minds with more nourishment.

You are not being rude; you are helping the mate break out of this habit. REMEMBER: UNREWARDED BEHAVIOUR GETS EXTINGUISHED.

The other method is to make them conscious of their JEALOUSY lovingly. Do not scorn the jealous person (they are already suffering). Do not ridicule them (they are already feeling inferior). Do not criticize them (they are already defensive). Instead, try to win them over, help them see that it is their JEALOUSY that they must solve, and together you will triumph over it. Then, somehow, they must realize that you are not against them but rather against their JEALOUSY. The message should be that you and they are not enemies but are against the common enemy, JEALOUSY.

Jealous people tend to claim that their unacceptable behaviour results from childhood. Childhood imperfections are a point to be understood but not tolerated. These people are adults. There is no need to cling to all these hangovers of the past. In general, people often tend to live in their past or wishfully live in their future. Sticking to the past is human nature; in the process, they forget the PRESENT is where they are. It is in the present that they can change for the better. The PRESENT is where they can make or mar the rest of their life. Never pity the person who must change. They must do it. They need help to do it, so give it to them. But pity, in this case, has no purpose; FIRMNESS, ENCOURAGEMENT, and HELP are the answer.

A jealous partner cannot quickly shake off the habit with unconditional love. So, PLACE FAIR AND REASONABLE CONDITIONS. They are jealous because something in their ‘give and take’ pattern of life needs correction for the all-around good.

In Chapters’ DIFFERENCES AND MYSTERY’ and ‘FOR HUSBANDS’, we saw differences in the way men and women think and react to situations concerning emotions. JEALOUSY is an emotion. Being jealous is also a sin, so it is well worth seeing and understanding how the opposite sex feels. It is significant because they are different from one’s point of feeling and reasoning. Situations which produce jealous stimuli are numerous, but if we bring these all down to a common denominator, we can reach or nearly reach a conclusion that MEN ARE JEALOUS BECAUSE OF PROPER LOVE; WOMEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE JEALOUS BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF IT.

JEALOUSY in a man is because someone else is coming in the way of his giving love. The principal reason for his discomfort is that the other person may be able to provide a love of either more or ‘better’ quality. JEALOUSY becomes inevitable if he cannot show irritation, annoyance, or fury.

By comparison, a woman gets highly jealous if another woman is getting love. It is the diversion of love that results in a lack in her, and this is what provokes JEALOUSY. This emotion short-circuit is the route of irritation, anger, or rage. It settles first into JEALOUSY, and later, it tries to set things in order by resorting to nuisance, annoyance, fury, crying, or being extra nice.

In short:

In a man, GIVING is vital in the context of JEALOUSY.

In a woman, GETTING is vital in the context of JEALOUSY.

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In a man, Factors like irritation, annoyance, and fury PRECEDE JEALOUSY.

In a woman, Factors like a nuisance, annoyance, fury, crying, or being extra friendly follow as an AFTERMATH of JEALOUSY.

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In a man, There are FEWER Factors.

In a Woman, There are MUCH MORE Factors with more complicated EMOTIONS.

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The spectrum is also much more expansive for a woman because we have FURY on one end AND BEING EXTRA NICE on the other.

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The main objective of a man is to DRIVE AWAY INTRUSION.

In a woman, it is to DRIVE AWAY ANY COMPETITION, and the undertone prevents diversion (to another woman).

There are numerous examples and situations but let us examine only a few cases to see the reactions. Let us imagine a place where a male population is found, for example, a college boys’ hostel or an army camp. If there is a dance, and two fellows fight over some college activity like studies or camp activity like sport or duty, a lady companion of the boy involved will feel that they are a bit childish.

On the other hand, if the fight is over her, even though she may show signs of embarrassment, she feels highly honoured.

Why?

Because by fighting over her, she feels highly ‘MARKED UP’ in value. Even though both may fight over her, she can feel which boy was genuinely ‘MARKING HER UP’, and which boy only wants to flirt. Fights over her bring her into an ‘EMOTIONAL SUPER HIGH’.

However, a girl should not hope that anyone will fight over her because it is dicey. Moreover, in hindsight, a boy may question his impulses.

There is another interesting difference in how reactions affect men and women, for example:

Suppose a man is unfavoured or less favoured by a woman against another man. His reaction is a feeling of REJECTION and not JEALOUSY in a true sense. The voice of his heart is not slighting (the other fellow) but ONE OF HURT.

JEALOUSY would form if the same situation happened to a woman, and she got less attention. The voice of the heart would be CATTINESS. Hurt will only come in when the case is hopeless, for example, if the man eventually takes the other girl for the dance instead of her. Or if he married the other girl.

NOBLE SIDESTEP

In JEALOUSY, the “I” or “WE” or “US” are central, and the desire is GETTING.

In NOBLE SIDESTEP, there is a positive inversion of these terms. The centre becomes “YOU” or “YOUR HAPPINESS” or “FOR YOUR GOOD”, and the desire is “GIVING” or “LETTING GO”.

Let us examine this stimulating area of thinking. Maybe this topic could find a place in a different chapter, but it could also fit in here because it highlights man’s need for GIVING in the context of JEALOUSY. Man’s instinctive preference is one of a ‘HUNTER’. It is a traditional role. He feels happy to conquer, achieve results, earn more, play boss etc.

A woman’s instinctive preference is a ‘GATHERER’. Traditionally she has been associated with making a home and looking after her children, husband, and welfare. She enjoys going shopping, decorating her home, and arranging and rearranging furniture or garden because it gives her a feeling of having gathered something new.

Against this backdrop, we would imagine a man would instinctively like to win the love of the ‘best’ girl. Often this is his main course. The word ‘best’ has been put in inverted commas because it refers only to what he considers most suitable and attainable to him. Sometimes, However, a man may remain as ‘just a friend’ even though the young lady may genuinely want to marry him. He may choose not to marry her because he wants to give her every chance to find a better man. To provide her with every opportunity to find a better man is not to be confused with an inferiority complex.

On the other hand, he may have arrived at this conclusion after a very objective analysis. He says, “The lady deserves more and deserves better things. she will be happy and better off where she is rather than go where I go.” He only remains a friend in the sense of good love. So, he loves her well-being and prefers that she find someone else who can give her more or make her happier. He will always be only a sincere friend and nothing more.

From this, we see differences in JEALOUSY between men and women. It was ‘giving’ that was so important for the man regarding genuine love. A man’s ‘GIVING’ instinct is so strong that he may let her go and wish her a better life rather than have her as his wife. He is happy with his decision even years after if he is genuine. He will be like a brother.

Suppose a woman was in the same situation where she feels another woman could be a better wife than the man she loves; her undercurrent of sincere feeling would be one of ‘SACRIFICE’. If she is genuine, she is delighted with every attainment, promotion, and achievement like a sister.

This Chapter is not a comprehensive work on JEALOUSY. But it is an attempt to make one aware of these complex emotions; it is also to make us aware of their awful and devastating potential against marital harmony.

There are two sides when we consider JEALOUSY:

The wrong side of negative emotions and the real struggle it brings.

The beneficial side the healthy side indicates when we are straying off-course. To put it bluntly, without it, we would not care less if we, or the society at large, went towards multiple partners. We would fall into an animal kind of lifestyle.

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NOBLE SIDESTEP:

Sometimes people from a less affluent country may get the good fortune to study in a wealthy country. These people may have additional good luck in integrating well with the host country’s people, culture, and lifestyle. For example, some young people from the host country could admire the international student as an ideal marriage partner. Additionally, the Host’s parents may be too willing for their child and the international student to marry.

The student may know that he knows life in both countries. He also knows that he can live very well in the host country. But he knows that there will be deep sorrow that marriage will cause. There are many points, but let me list only two:

Living standards in a less affluent country may take decades to improve. He will be subjecting his near and dear wife to a less affluent standard of living. He came to study in a foreign country to improve, not bring the other person down. A conscious man may do a NOBLE SIDESTEP, and in love, he may return and leave her free to marry a person who can make her life less anxiety-filled and happy.

A person from a less affluent country knows the sacrifices his parents made for him to study abroad. At the end of his study, his parent hopes they can have their child back and enjoy his company, in addition to seeing that he gets married and has a tension-free lifestyle, close to his original lifestyle. They also want to see and hear their grandchildren.

Friendly as the young foreign lady may be, he knows either his parents or her parents will not have their child and will feel deprived. One set of grandparents will have limited opportunities. The international student may resort to a NOBLE SIDESTEP. He does not want to hurt either group of parents.

God bless You.