11 – LOVE – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 11 – LOVE

Love has always been a popular theme, including these days. We use the word very casually.   We say, “I love my wife”, “I love my children”,” I love my God”, “I love my car”, and “I love my pizza.” Apart from this, ‘love’ is also used to mean sex.   In addition, it is a greeting, like “Hi Love”. The list of meanings and utilization stretches on and on.   The word means many different things to many other people.   It also means many other things to the same person.

In a Christian marriage, Love is the essential marriage ingredient. But, like maturity, Love is also a process, not a state.   People do not ‘Fall in Love but rather ‘Grow into love’.   Love involves cheerfully giving and wanting nothing in return.   This process is part of the overall maturing process.

A baby needs Love. Otherwise, it will die.   It receives Love, but it has none to give in return.   People think that the baby’s sweet movements and cooing are expressions of Love.   They are only intuitive efforts to get food, comfort and self-gratification.   Newborn babies only love themselves.   As the baby grows up, it gradually becomes aware of the presence of other people and learns to love and interact.   In the first line, it would be the mother he loves because she feeds him, looks after him give him Love, and provides for all his wants.   He gets first-hand experience through all the hours he is awake and can feel her care.

Soon he becomes aware of his father, brother and sisters, relatives, friends, and other people.   Gradually he learns to love them in return.   This process continues until, one day, he meets someone and says, “I Love You.”

Let us, for a moment, dwell on babies.   We all have very dear memories of our children, nephews, or nieces, which we cherish. Sometimes we ponder over these little beings that have come to stay with us and make themselves an endearing part of our life.   When I think of our two children, Ramona and Dominic and the enormous joy they brought to us, I unfurled my thoughts on paper.

The text read as follows:

“When I think of their amusing ways and experiences, my heart floats high.   The gift of such entertaining ways and experiences is possible only with small, innocent children. With complete thought, I have used the word ‘Gift’ instead of saying children do amusing things or have entertaining ways.   It is their gift to us parents and grown-ups.   When we think about it, small children can do relatively little.   They cannot do bookkeeping, they cannot drive a bulldozer, and they cannot settle business matters.   Even concerning themselves, they can do little.   But what they can do is radiate joy and happiness.   And this they do in a very unpredictable manner.   The dear Lord must have known their limitations and had them close to His heart.   Maybe he wanted to give them something at all costs. And then! —

 

­ “He thought: They shall become small ambassadors of Joy and Happiness.   Joy is not an understood attribute nor the only possible one.   There could have been other attributes. But, if we go to see, this attribute of imparting joy is a truly remarkable gift that God gave to babies because how else can they keep motivating us, adults?

 

A baby strives to earn his food and other life’s requirements.   What we find as cuddly is remarkable, which speaks volumes of God’s multi-faceted endowment that He bestowed on them.   If we stop and think, God gave the small-inexperienced baby a method by which he could earn his bread.   And what did God think of as a mode of currency? – Joy! Happiness! —

 

“Yes, God provided the baby with the ability to bring Joy and Happiness as the currency mode.   He provided them with a universally recognizable and wished-for commodity.   The equally great wonder is that He enabled grown-ups to feel this baby’s acts and to strive.   We perceive the acts but do not consider them as striving. We interpret it as learning.   We feel the baby is cute.   What is truly remarkable is that these feelings are one of Love, not pity.   The currency that God gives to a baby is extremely effective.   It brings the grown-up joy, happiness, and motivation to keep tending to the baby’s needs daily.   It motivates parents and grown-ups to look after them, with Love, despite the endless sleepless nights.   God thought of all that!  We have to say hats off to the baby because he uses this wonderful method to earn his bread.   It cost the baby quite an effort to master this art of living.   Encouragement is what is needed to keep the baby’s efforts up. These joy and happiness slowly become acts of Love as the baby grows up.”

 

In many modern languages, we have only one word to describe the aspects of Love. However, the ancient Greeks used many words to describe different kinds of Love, like the Love of music, poetry, Love for food, Love for wine etc. In the context of this chapter, let me mention four Greek words.

They are:

1          EROS,

2          PHILIA

3          AGAPE,

4          STERGO

 

EROS ­refers to BODY love.   It often expresses sexual Love.   The word ‘Erotic’ comes from the word Eros.

 

PHILIA ­ refers to the higher form of Love; it centres more on the MIND than the body.

 

AGAPE ­ does not seek anything for itself but toward GIVING. Therefore, it derives pleasure in doing things well for others and giving to others.   AGAPE is also the highest form of Love.

 

STERGO denotes the LOVE BETWEEN PARENTS AND CHILDREN

 

Briefly, the elaboration and description of these three forms of Love are as follows:

 

EROS:

To bring out the differences between the different kinds of Love, the analogy for the Eros would sound like this: “I love you because you make me happy.“ This form of Love is happy because of specific characteristics in the other person.   It is these characteristics that make one feel desirable, for example:

 

Beauty, gracefulness, hospitality, talent.   Nothing much is left if no niceness-producing characteristics exist, and this form of Love dies.   This form of Love seeks what it can get.   Maybe it will give something, but the motive is always to get something in return.   If the reward does not come, this Love turns bitter, hateful, or resentful.

 

Unfortunately, many young people choose their life partners exclusively based on Eros.   Any Emotional bindings based on body properties reach their full potential very fast, and the intensity of the Eros is mistaken for true Love.   Even when the marriage partners do not know each other so well, they insist that their Love is durable.   They are inclined to use statements like, “Our love will never die.” or, “Our love will carry us through all storms.” Unfortunately, this does not happen in most cases.   It does not work because it was not “true love” in the first place.   The Romantic Bubble bursts when one realizes that the ‘Ideal partner’ is nowhere near ideal.   These people are shocked that the partner has a collection of faults like thoughtlessness, rudeness, and inattentiveness, and to top it all, is even vastly unromantic.

 

Since neither partner got what they expected, they will probably come by the idea, “Call it quits”, and soon yet another marriage will join the already overflowing bin of broken marriages.

 

Pre-marriage counselling is essential because significant problem areas often surface under the professional ‘excursion’ a Counsellor will take them through in case games.   The Counsellor should convey his findings as honestly and tactfully as possible.   Honestly and tactfully, counselling is difficult but necessary because young people think that their Love makes Golden Anniversaries happen. It is mainly because of this reason that they do not see the pitfalls.   When someone makes them aware of other people’s marriage problems, they take these cautions with a shoulder shrug because they believe that “Marriage breakdowns are possible for others.    Poor things.    But in our case, our Love is forever.”

 

They do many things to make themselves attractive; for example, they buy new clothes, perfumes, and a new car. Making themselves attractive is an exaggerated form of placing value to satisfy the Eros.    In many cases, the ‘Financial Spiral’ or ‘Must- Impress spiral’ brings on its stress component in the marriage.   After all, can anyone afford everything they feel is vital to satisfy the Eros? And then, can they carry these efforts endlessly, month after month? The Eros will always instil the craving for More, More and Still More. The Eros places tremendous pressure on ‘One Up-Manship’.

 

Eros’ prime goal is the body.   So, it fosters ‘The Playboy philosophy’, Eros in Action, where the note is on: Men need pleasure and women are sex toys.

 

No relationship built up exclusively based on the body can last indefinitely over some time.   Body desires are subject to satisfaction, and interest wanes as soon as happiness happens.   The relationship will crumble rapidly if the MIND and spiritual Love are not also present.

 

Marriages built up exclusively based on the Eros will, in all probability, run into problems right from the start.

 

Courtship and Engagement are necessary to cultivate the MIND and spiritual Love.   This bond of Love is what the couple will bring with them into marriage.   When it happens this way, the wedding is the crowning glory.   If this is not as it should be, the wedding will become a worn-out link in a chain of crumbling togetherness manoeuvres.

 

Regardless of how well educated they are, most people fall into the gross misconception that Courtship and Engagement are to cultivate body satisfaction.   They use this period as a ‘Test Ride Experience’. They also have a ‘Try before you buy’ philosophy.   Often the reasoning seems to differ between the male and the female.   The man often feels it is handy to have body gratification close at hand whenever the urges arise.   If it is available, there is no need for marriage.   He then considers marriage a formality; the woman, however, looks for means to obtain a marriage. Other females will have no qualms about swooping in and making themselves available if she does not.   These couples may eventually get a formal marriage, but the note is always, “He was not really for it, even though I was most enthusiastic.  – Technically, he just showed up and did whatever was necessary for MY wedding.” A statement like this reveals that, in essence, it was HER wedding but not THEIR wedding.   Marriages of this kind do not last.   They may try for the sake of society, for the Kids etc.   These marriages will fail unless the couple can cultivate the MIND and the spiritual dimensions.   The most significant deterrent to advancement is that many believe they are educated and have mastery over MIND matters. Intellectually, they are competent people and can hold very skilled professional jobs, but in marriage, it is the MIND mixed with the HEART and the EMOTION.   The combination of MIND, HEART, and EMOTIONS lacks maturity.   Marriage Training is a gross omission in our education system and a sad omission on the part of the parental upbringing because parents do not make time to talk with their children.   Many excuses are made, like “We were so busy making ends meet, so we had no time.” People may work a lot. People must make time. These children are yours to ‘make or to mar’ – What kind of an answer will you have on judgment day?

 

There is another major disaster with the ‘Try before you Buy philosophy and the Test Rides’.   You may think you are intelligent and working towards making an informed decision.   The sad reality is:

 

  • SIN is the foundation of such relationships.
  • The total of all derivations was through ADULTERY and FORNICATION. Therefore, the experimental validity is improper.

 

Furthermore, ADULTERY and FORNICATION are a ‘HOOK’. That hook pre-plants the ‘Seeds’ of marriage disaster.   Whether they germinate and take root is another question.   The potential for future disaster, however, has been planted and lurking.   Please see the Chapter on SIN, especially the text on THE RAMIFICATION OF SIN.

 

Many people produce two opposite reactions when they read something putting down pre-marital sex. If they are not married and young, they think this is all NONSENSE.   If their marriage is on the rocks, they ask, why has no one told us all this before? The lack of knowledge in this area is a painful torment.   There are a lot more media influences to propagate promiscuity than there are to promote virtue.   Any number of TV series aired on multiple channels for weeks and years, racking up to 1 million dollars per episode.   Their episodes show unmarried young people sharing apartments and living together as housemates.   It seems each has had a romp with the other at some time.   They also sprinkle a few same-sex-oriented characters in between.   When these series go on week after week, they slowly move social and moral values towards ‘acceptance’.   The media can be a very effective Brain Washing Tool.   All the while, these series and other forms of propaganda give the allusion that they are improving the elevation of social development. When, in effect, they possess the potential to make stupid out of whole groups of people.   As these TV serials circulate, corruption and acceptance are happening both on a national and international level.   The viewership is so high that ad agencies can easily convince their clients to finance up to a million dollars per episode.   Subtly, the spread reaches epidemic proportions.   Without any doubt, many will fall and assume that moral laxity is the norm of life.

 

Most people who only follow the Eros have a way of putting religion and God on the back burner.   Their conscience troubles them, so they rationalize good values away and make excuses to carry on and satisfy the Eros.

 

In addition to this moral degeneration, our so-called custodians of education have removed Religion and Moral instruction from the school curriculum.   By doing this, they have robbed children and their parents of the fundamental right to correct education, upbringing, and the future of the subsequent generations.   This damage is not easily correctable because later if society tries to bring religion back into the school system, there will not be ‘good’ teachers. The person trying to teach will not have a foundation based on faith.   Intellect or academics is the ‘answer’ to communicating religious faith.

 

If you have made the dreadful mistakes of an Eros-filled marriage, there is still hope ­. Love can grow! But it does not grow by itself; it needs cultivation and nurturing. So, the only hope is to climb onto the next higher plane ­ to reach Philia and then go to the Agape.

 

PHILIA:

Philia is the next higher level.   It deals with the MIND instead of the BODY.   This Love centres on the human personality, the intellect, the emotions, and the Will.

 

Philia is higher than Eros because it revolves around “Our” happiness instead of “My” happiness.   It is a good idea when married couples to behave like friends.   Before marriage, they determine whether they genuinely ‘like’ each other.   They also try to find out ‘what’ and ‘why’ they like each other.   Even equally important, they try to learn about the minor faults, shortcomings and things which annoy them. So often, these tiny imperfections cause so much irritation and strain later in a marriage.   Words like ‘small’ need conscientious thought.   Why? Because significant faults and glaring differences will keep the concerned people apart right from the start.   But people in Love make allowances to overlook small things. Because they unconsciously believe that, in time, they will reform their partner.   Besides, in mature reasoning, they feel it is not right to give undue attention to small things; after all, minor faults are petty, and they know that no one is perfect.   But in the routine of married life, they feel the strain of these small things.   That is why courtship and engagement time are necessary to consider how to cope with these strains in the confines of a close relationship.   Courtship and Engagement is the time to see how to manage reasoning and feeling.

 

We often hear the expression, Love is blind. However, only Eros is blind.   Eros closes the eyes to faults, laughs short falls away and rationalizes every possible obstacle.   On the other hand, Philia is honest about what exists and decides whether it can overshadow the shortcomings and faults with a contrasting strength.

 

Philia resolves to cheerfully live the marriage through, despite the difficulties and weaknesses of the “Give and Take” part of everyday life.   Many marriages, which people label happy marriages, are built up in Philia.

 

Philia is a kind of halfway Love based on “Give a little – Take a little.” It is a kind of 50%-­50% agreement or expectation.   Couples can have a relatively good marriage if each partner brings or does their share and ­life’s situation remains somewhat stable.

 

If a partner fails to bring in their share, or if an unusually stressful life situation should occur (like a financial crisis, severe sickness, prolonged inability or disability, tension with the In-laws, sex problems, problems with bringing up children, etc.)  The friendship suffers, and Philia cannot take the strain.   If the situation continues for too long, Philia becomes selfish and demanding, and the company becomes a conflict.

 

The only hope for a stable, prosperous, and entirely peaceful marriage is to grow into the next higher plane ­ The Agape.

 

AGAPE:

The Agape does not seek pleasure for itself; instead, it delights in giving.   It is not by the recipient’s merit or worth; instead, it originates from its God-given nature.   Agape keeps loving even when the recipient shows no gratitude, attention, or appreciation or is unkind, unrewarding, or unworthy.   Agape wishes only good.   It lives to make others happy and comfortable, regardless of how much it costs or what sacrifices it must make.   It does not give 50% and expects 50% in return.

 

On the contrary, it gives 100 % and expects nothing in return.   Pure Agape is thoroughly unselfish and uncalculating.   A case of “Give some love, get some love” is Pseudo in the Agape level.

 

You are most probably thinking, this is humanly impossible!

 

That is correct. No one in the whole wide Earth is purely Agape ­ only God.   In all certainty, God loves us. But this certainly is not because He is impressed with our abilities. On the contrary, God loves us despite our faults, weaknesses, and shortcomings.   God loves us with an Agape love.

 

If we try to love someone and our efforts backfire, and the other person does not love us, we feel bitter.   Feeling bitter is part of our fallen human nature.   The whole purpose is to climb over this fallen human nature and grow into divine nature.   To do this, we need God’s help.   Our intellect is not enough. The fruits of the Holy Spirit, as mentioned in (GALATIANS 5:22-23) can make a new person out of us so that we can live in a higher and nobler way.

GALATIANS 5:22-23

22 BUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS,

23 GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL. AGAINST SUCH THERE IS NO LAW.

 

As a list:

  1. LOVE,
  1. JOY,
  1. PEACE,
  1. LONGSUFFERING,
  1. KINDNESS,
  1. GOODNESS,
  1. FAITHFULNESS,
  1. GENTLENESS,
  1. SELF-CONTROL.

 

We must open our hearts to God and allow Him to enable the path of Agape love towards the partner. Then, he will use this surrender of our Will to transform the broken marriage into a beautiful relationship­ as intended.

 

STERGO:

There is a fourth word the Greeks had for Love, STERGO.   STERGO denotes the Love between parents and children.   It is unique, different, and not the same as Love between husband and wife or man and woman.   In a way, the STERGO between parent and child is the closest thing to the AGAPE on a human level.   A parent may do everything possible to give 100% and expect nothing in return.   The intent of doing well is not for good to be done in return, even though it is highly appreciated and gladdens the heart.

 

The Stergo is not a common word in our everyday language, and this dimension of Love is not uppermost in our “Thinking Pattern.”

 

Stergo is:

  • Known
  • Understood
  • Practised
  • Seen
  • Appreciated

 

And yet, because of its lack of verbal usage in our everyday language, it remains outside our thought process.

 

The absence of this word has given rise to many Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law conflicts. Unfortunately, even very well-educated women fall victim to this knowledge deficiency.

 

A Mother’s Love for her son is not the same as a wife’s Love for that lady’s son.   Both ladies know that, but there is confusion in their hearts because nobody has formally explained that to them.   Added to this confusion is the factor of ‘NATURAL JEALOUSY’.   The man’s mother and the wife see each other as rivals for the same man.   Our education system is to blame because the focus is on imparting all kinds of knowledge on mathematics, language, technology, and the rest of those good sciences.   But it has neglected the everyday essentials of a good and happy life.

 

‘NATURAL JEALOUSY’ is a term to describe a relationship of jealousy between people who have irrational jealousy, like a Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law. Before the marriage, they were the best of friends. However, almost instantaneously after the wedding, both become jealous of one another. Both know there is no gain in being envious, but they still have this urge.

 

The Greeks used this word in many compound forms to mean “Love of—- “. For example, “Philostrogos” means “Devoted” or “Astrogos” to denote “Unloving or Heartless”.   From the Stergo, they derived specific words to describe the Love of brothers, sisters, man and his country, king and enslaved person, man and pet, man, and music, etc.   The idea of Love for areas other than the Eros, Philia, and Agape are relevant today.   But many languages have become what the German language has described as “Maulfaul”; – the translation is “Lazy Mouthed”.   Lazy mouthiness is why the word LOVE denotes many things like “I love you”; or “I love Pizza”. “Hi Love”, etc.

God Bless You.