3 – CONFLICT AND SURP. – CTW-2022-E

 

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

 

Chapter 3 – CONFLICT and SURPRISES

This chapter deals with confusion – the search for explanations, the difficulty of describing what is going on, and the struggle to find meaningful answers.

 

SURPRISES

Before we plunge into marriage, a relationship which is the central theme of this book, I would like to broach the surprises of marriage separation.   I am writing this chapter because there is always an element of surprise when a marriage breaks up.   Many people begin to read about marriage after it was threatened or, worse, after it was already on the rocks.   Before that, they blissfully believe their marriage enables ‘Golden Anniversaries’. Then, unexpectedly, some realize that their married life does not seem rosy anymore.   They thought their marriage would last forever.   There was a time when the two yearned to be together; tiny separations of going away seemed so long.   The thought of no telephone was unbearable.   Then surprisingly, all that peace seems to be changing, and disharmony appears to be becoming more frequent. Contention has many ways of setting in; arguments become more frequent, and a particular cleft in the relationship develops; that is when the first signs of SURPRISE begin.   It isn’t very comforting to realize that this surprise is undeniable.   This chapter relates to the shocks as I saw them.   One, or the other, may find their footprints along the same pathways.   It is always reassuring to know that we are not the only ones on this confusing journey across the ocean of non-expectations.

 

It is not always easy to formulate the language of the heart with words of the mind, making it difficult to describe the surprises of marital separation.   The wounds and negative happenings from where love abounded cause us to be shocked.   This strain escalates to a point where the pain is a constant accompaniment, and all lessons are hard.   We ask ourselves, how did love change to indifference and anger?

Life has many surprises; we must never forget this; otherwise, we will not have the correct attitude when things change.   Life and living are dynamic. There are many reasons why things will change.   Our lives will experience changes – it is a certainty.   For instance, a girl may dream of marrying a rich, handsome, healthy man.   This dream may come true.   But there is no life-long guarantee that these traits will remain.

A reverse of business, an accident, or many different things can make things quite the opposite.   Life changes may not have anything to do with wrong speculation, recklessness, or foolhardiness. Instead, these disappointments can be because of dynamic changes that are happening and beyond our control.

 

TRYING TO FIND REASONS

When surprises occur and we have recovered sufficiently, our human urge is to try to explain them.   People do this by trying to find a reason. If they do not see the reason, they will try to assign a reason ­ and then carry on.   Explaining is like an “X Variable” in algebra.   We insert an explanation or an “X Variable” because it helps the human being in us to carry on.   This faculty is truly a remarkable ability in human beings.   Without this ability, we would stop like a Programmable Logic Controller waiting for an all-clear input signal to sequence forward.   In straightforward text, we would all get stuck and reach a standstill at infancy. So, in a way, life must go on regardless of whether there are surprises or no surprises.   This ability to carry on leads to a series of EXPERIENCES.

 

All the experiences that fit in with the reasons are ‘filed’ into memory as ‘Confirmations’; or ‘Reconfirmations’. The status will continue in that state until a surprise occurs.   This change provokes new reasons to be found, or alternative reasons are assigned.   If the new explanations are correct, either a ‘change’ may occur or ‘acceptance’ will follow.

So like life in general, marriage, which is a part of life, brings a series of unexpected experiences.   The same is true of marriage separation.   When these experiences do not concern us entirely, or we do not find valid reasons or explanations, we label them as ‘Impressions’.   On the other hand, if they affect us, we label them as ‘Feelings’.

 

CATEGORIZING

 

My first impression of marriage separation was a kind of Hollywood Style marriage.   I was entirely sure that this only happened on the silver screen. However, new surprises generated new impressions as the years rolled on.   The News Media initiated my first revisions.   Without giving too much thought, mentally, I created two categories, and all marriage separations were ‘filed’ under one or the other.

 

These two categories were:

  • People who make headlines, like Actors, Actresses, Politicians, Business Tycoons, and people with flamboyant occupations, are susceptible to marriage separation.

 

  • People belonging to specific broad headings like people of a country, religion, social standing, etc.   For example, People from western countries are more likely to divorce than Asians.   We get these impressions from somewhere – perhaps the TV.

 

The difference between these two categories is: One category consists of individuals, while the other consists of groups.

 

As far as I was concerned, marriage separation seemed a very distant world for me, and I never gave it much thought or attention until suddenly, out of the blue, a friend of mine confided to me that they were divorced. Naturally, the announcement created a lot of sensation. However, this divorce did not fit my impressions about marriage separation, and I was surprised.

 

Before long, other known people divorced, which brought the reality that my impressions’ boundaries had to be re-defined again.   This realization was a painful experience.   Firstly, these people were my friends. ­ I lived with them in the same town and studied with them. I was their confidant during their courtship days, attended their weddings, and witnessed all the marriage recommendations they so freely gave to anyone willing to listen.   I even photographed their wedding and their baby’s christenings.   It was indeed shocking news. It was a surprise! Secondly, I also wondered how love changed into indifference and anger.

 

THE DOUBLE STANDARDS

I went through the phase and experience when other friends and I tried to patch things up.   We spent a lot of time and energy restoring the friend’s marriage.   Both husband and wife seem to agree with the reasoning we put forth. They even appreciated the efforts of friends and relatives.   They gave the impression that they would have voiced similar, if not the same, suggestions.   But then, why were they acting indifferently? How could a person be of one opinion in general situations yet be downright obstinate regarding their spouse or marriage? This behavioural pattern was a mystery to me.   I filed this impression somewhere in my mind, under the heading, ‘Strange Pattern’, and did not bother to try and analyze it thoroughly.   However, there were times when I wondered how such behaviour could be possible.   I knew both partners well. And in almost all cases, I have known both partners for many years.   Let me go one step further. I knew their parent on both sides and was also a guest in their parent’s house several times a year and for years. In all the situations, both partners were above average in every aspect, like intelligence, adjustment, profession, job, education, money, and family background.   Both were practising the same religion reasonably well.   To make things even more baffling, neither had any open or secret vices like drinking, gambling, card playing, etc.   Over time, many other breakups took place, and sadly, I had to include these friends into a third category labelled Vulnerable to Marriage Separation.

While all these Marriage Hazards were taking place, I felt my marriage could weather any storm ­, which gave me a feeling of safety.   After all, I categorized various people or groups into watertight categories, and I was certainly not among them, nor was my wife among them. ­ My reasoning was: We were not famous people; we were not a part of the Hollywood crowd.   Besides, we are from a community in India where Marriage Separation was a foreign word. So, marriage breakups did not exist in our frame of thinking. So whenever talk on this subject came up, my voice would subtly impart an intonation like, ‘this happens elsewhere’, ‘this is possible with others’, unconsciously believing that my marriage is shatter-proof. Of course, there were moments of turbulence then, but these were like gentle waves dashing against solid rock.   And then, after 11 ½ years, we separated, and I asked myself, “Is this real? Is this happening to me?”

 

IS THIS REAL?

Before we realized what was happening, we found ourselves spiralling downwards into a vortex they call ‘Marriage Breakdown’.   It appears our bindings were snapping away, our respect for each other was eroding rapidly, a kind of hate was pushing love out, intolerance became the rule of the day, and each attempt at goodness backfired in a wrong way.   We were sinking into some unfriendly limbo. Of course, there were mixed reactions ­ on one side; we did not want to believe that we were not mere spectators anymore. ­ We were the victims of whatever causes marriage breakdowns! On one side, we tried to cling to the idea that this is not Real. We have no marriage breakdown. But, on the other side, we were grabbing at every straw that propounded hope.   In a way, under the circumstances, everyone would do just that.

 

CARRY ON

Man’s nature goes beyond inference ­. He ‘Carries On.   Some would reach for their intelligence, others for reasoning, others for threats, others to prevent access to children, others to power or whatever else is available.   Another of man’s abilities besides ‘carrying on’ is to attempt a different strategy hoping that something different will bring better results, especially after a setback.   So, trying many different approaches to solving a problem is natural. However, despite many attempts to approach a problem, some traits stand out more prominently.   This prominence or preference is something personal to a particular individual.   It is excellent and perhaps fascinating if you can naturally learn more about yourself. Just as the good things in life bring out certain facets about yourself, adversity also does the same.   We should know about ourselves to correct our weaknesses and improve the more vital areas of our personalities. ­ And thereby become better partners to our spouses.   At least we should try to examine ourselves to better our marriage relationship.   In my case, at least two things seemed to emerge more prominently out of the crisis, confusion and surprise at my situation.

 

1)         I tried to analyze everything and put them into a structure.   (Later, in my investigations on marriage, I found this to be a typical male trait).

 

2)         The second trait was that I was able to strengthen my binding with God’s teaching.   Technically, this sentence should be re-worded to read, “God was kind enough to allow me to have a binding to His teachings through Faith.” I never knew I could turn to God this way; I did not know this.   I consider it a windfall to have received this Grace from God because I do not know what I would have done without it.

 

I began to think about these two traits.   The first one seemed to fall rather naturally into something that was me; Maybe, it came because we bring a lot of psychological baggage.   I studied in Germany ­, the land of thinkers. My occupation is technical consultancy.   My projects are specially designed machines to suit customer requirements. So, it may be fair to say I enjoy analyzing. So, I am inclined to structure problems, even if they concern personal matters.   I would even go one step further to say; that I believe the analysis is necessary; otherwise, life would become chaos.

 

TRACKS

I thought the solution lay somewhere on a one-track line. And I was determined to find my way to the solution.

 

My thoughts were:

 

Parents have the very best interest of their children, so why is marital disharmony there?   All people I ask this question to find it is a riddle.   I also find myself in this riddle.   We try to explain by saying because, this, or something else. I find that I am thinking about it.   I am somewhat preoccupied with this topic.   I ask myself, what has happened?   Everyone knows that separation is disadvantageous, especially for children.   Every parent agrees to it, and yet they carry it out.

 

The answer is:

 

This element that breaks up a marriage has a destructive capability. It is crafty and destroys the family from the inside.

 

If the attack came from outside, the family members would hold closer and tighter. They would encourage each other to ‘Hold On.’

 

The Church’s teaching of “the family that prays together stays together” is something I heard many times, but I never thought much about it until our crises.

 

This marriage-breaking element can appear suddenly or gradually in one’s life.   If we take the trouble to look around, we see marriage problems among the rich and the poor.   Rich and poor are the opposite! It can attack young or old couples.   Again, we see the opposite! Whether the wife works or not, whether the husband is a drunkard or not. Like these points, we can consider any aspect of human ability or inability, yet we find that man can become vulnerable to separation.   The question is:   Are the elements of the profession, money, drinking, in-laws etc., the actual reasons or are they just an illusionary facade for something else?   Are these reasons, which we mentioned above, just a kind of a ‘Red- Herring’ or a decoy to steer our attention away from the real reason?   There is undoubtedly much more behind the curtain of life than just simple reasons like drinks, money, etc.   Otherwise, it would not be possible for opposite cases to produce the same separating results.   There has got to be a common denominator somewhere.   ­A very sly denominator has concealed itself and is also clever enough to understand man’s fundamental nature – that this nature needs to find reasons to ‘carry on’.   Or it can ‘assign’ reasons to ‘carry on’.   This evil force can keep people fully occupied with the task of searching elsewhere. It is crafty enough to use this fact and distract the person by pointing toward money, drinks, faults in the partner, in-laws, etc., thereby remaining undetected.   Maybe, it sounds philosophical.

 

And so, the search for the common denominator began.

 

I spent effort and time finding this so-called denominator for a long time. Then, one day a thought came into my mind that the solution may not be on a one-track line as my pre-conception was.   That is when I began to examine the possibility of a second track.   Here is when I realized that I had to have faith in God. Without faith in God, a total hash will result.   A lack of faith in God is detrimental to all concerned.   It would propel us to the stage where all of us would become losers- ­ the husband, the wife, the children.

 

I was a dutiful Roman Catholic from birth, so faith in God was not difficult for me to accept, but I was surprised by how difficult it was to live it in an absolute sense.   This realization about Jesus’ teachings was the first time; I experienced what his disciples must have experienced when they heard Jesus Christ’s teachings.   How different it was from the thinking of the world. ­ Jesus Christ’s teachings were paradoxical to what we find all around us; take, for instance, the following passage:

 

LUKE 6:27-30

27 “BUT I SAY TO YOU WHO HEAR: LOVE YOUR ENEMIES, DO GOOD TO THOSE WHO HATE YOU,

28 “BLESS THOSE WHO CURSE YOU, AND PRAY FOR THOSE WHO SPITEFULLY USE YOU,

29 “TO HIM WHO STRIKES YOU ON ONE CHEEK, OFFER THE OTHER ALSO.   AND FROM HIM WHO TAKES AWAY YOUR CLOAK, DO NOT WITHHOLD YOUR TUNIC EITHER,

30″ GIVE TO EVERY ONE WHO ASKS OF YOU.    AND FROM HIM WHO TAKES AWAY YOUR GOODS DO NOT ASK THEM BACK.

—

 

LUKE 6:31

“AND JUST AS YOU WANT MEN TO DO TO YOU, YOU ALSO DO TO THEM LIKEWISE.”   

 

We have all heard these passages at some time, even I.   But it was a paradox for me like it was for the early Christians who heard Jesus say it.   In a marriage separation, something always hurts more than all the rest.   For all of us, it is different.   Usually, it is a denial of some kind that hurts. For me, it was the separation from the children.   On one side, God’s teachings pointed in one direction, and I felt the struggle was tearing my new knowledge to pieces.   It took me a long time to realize the testing of my new faith. It took me even more time to realize that this trial was necessary to produce perseverance, endurance, and patience. God was faithful.   He helped me.   Somehow, He instilled an attitude that my wife was not the problem.   She is merely a victim, just as I was. So, we got new ammunition to fight longer, further, and more intense.   An unseen enemy supplied this emotional turmoil straight to the mind and heart.

 

Many times, I felt it was not wrestling with flesh and blood. But, still, with some other clever kind of evil that was determined to wreck marriage in general, our marriage just happened to succumb to the battering attacks- and so, with this new attitude, the ‘Second Track’ was formed.

 

After this ‘Second Track’, the track of faith became more deeply ingrained into my thinking.   I wondered how my ‘First Track’, the path of thought, fit. Or has it to be abandoned because I have come across something loftier?   Again, God was kind.   I gradually came to understand that two tracks could easily be possible.   We have God’s Teaching in one way, and in the other, we have an endowment. Each human being has an endowment because God has given us some worldly abilities.   For example, some may have skills or talent in music, others in sports, others in warm-heartedness, and others in medicine.   He gave us these skills or talents to live the plan He has for our lives. Therefore, the ‘Track of our Faith in God’ is a top priority and must not conflict with our worldly endowments.   We must only be clear that the main objective of our purpose in life is to orient our thinking and to do His will.   This point came home to me one day while searching through the Bible.   The passage reads as:

 

ECCLESIASTES 12: 13-14

13 “LET US HEAR THE CONCLUSION OF THE WHOLE MATTER: FEAR GOD AND KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS,

14  FOR THIS IS THE WHOLE DUTY OF MAN. FOR GOD WILL BRING EVERY WORK INTO JUDGMENT, INCLUDING EVERY SECRET THING, WHETHER IT IS GOOD OR WHETHER IT IS EVIL.”   

 

With this new focus, I have tried to bring both the Worldly and the Scriptural contemplations into the text.   I am not a priest saying this; I am just a layperson confronted with scripture.   I was an ordinary layperson discovering a meaning to the scripture teachings.   As a worldly technician, I have tried to study them and put them down on paper.   I hope that whatever helped me, I can share it with others.

 

With this reinforced view of God, I searched further about this common and devastating ‘Denominator’.    Through these ‘pieces of experience,’ a colourful mosaic emerged.   I attempt to unfurl this mosaic of thoughts through the various chapters in this book.

 

In the rest of this book, I put forth the method or maybe, the secret of what I propose to do to survive the strain of separation.   I said, “I will study my way through the causes and surprises of marriage separation and then try to study how to become a better spouse.   The few steps of scribbling on paper will form the initial start to what I hoped would grow into a book.”

God Bless You