Challenged To Win

18 – COMMUNICATION – CTW-2022-E

 

18 – COMMUNICATION – CTW-2022-E

 CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 18 – COMMUNICATIONS

One of the most common problems in a troubled marriage is a lack of communication.

In some ways, our society causes communication problems. Many children grow up in houses with hardly any constructive communication.   Family togetherness is watching TV together and immediately ordering anyone who speaks to be quiet because the others cannot hear the program.   The newest development is to have many TV sets in the house so that everyone can watch the program they are interested in without disturbance or interruption.   From the social point of view, the necessary lessons of ‘Give and Take’ do not exist anymore because family interaction has stopped.

Another fact contributing to the lack of communication is that we do not allow our children to express their feelings.   For example, “Do not say that!” “What will people think?” Slowly the young person learns to keep his inner thoughts and feelings to himself. By keeping quiet, he avoids misunderstandings and rejection from others.   Keeping inner thoughts and feelings to himself is how a kid learns to evade communication.

Later in the competitive world: the school, work spot, club etc., few people are interested in his thoughts and feelings.   Only his ability to PERFORM is essential.   His superiors will appreciate him only if he maintains a certain standard, achieves a certain specified quality, and produces the quantity per the performance scale. If other people could see into him and know his thoughts, there would be a work security threat. So, he learns to suppress communication.   He understands how to make an appreciative impression to impress others.   Behind this facade, he feels as impersonal as a stamped-out coin.   He wishes to find acceptance for what he is, but no one gives it to him because no one knows who he is.

Then one day, the unavoidable happens, he finds someone of the opposite sex.   He begins to open, reveal, and confide his inner self and feelings.   The other response to the confidence by opening.   Both find it a thrilling experience.   Finally, he feels, At last!   I have found someone who truly understands me for what I am.   Apart from this, we both have a lot in common.   They think we are for each other.   When the priest asks if they can communicate with each other, they confidently assert that this happens to be one of their greatest assets.

However, as the marriage wears on, they find that they have less and less to speak.   What the two once took as a deep understanding of one another was only an exciting attempt to discover the mysteries of the other person’s personality.   But now, the novelty is over.   As the pressures of the marriage routine increase, communication becomes an unpleasant experience.   Tension mounts up, and misunderstandings also occur.   Unfriendly words happen, and feelings get wounded.   The disenchantment gets unbearable.   The more each one expresses his opinion, the more unfriendly things get.   Disagreement makes them once again learn how to conceal their inner thoughts.   Instead of growing in knowledge and understanding, they drift further apart.

The accusation sounds like this: “He does not speak with me anymore”, “He does not speak to me about his work”, “I do not know what he thinks”, and “She does not listen long enough to hear my side of the story.” The list of accusations goes endlessly on and on.   Did you know the Bible has a lot to say about communication problems?

First, it tells us why communication problems arise.    Within each one of us is an old sinful nature.   In addition, we are weak and unbelievably selfish and added to this. We are corrupt.   

JEREMIAH 17:9

9 “THE HEART IS DECEITFUL ABOVE ALL THINGS, AND DESPERATELY WICKED, WHO CAN KNOW IT?”

It is an embarrassment to show our deceitful hearts, so we wear a mask of respectability instead of exposing our true selves.

MATTHEW 12:34

34 “.  .  .   HOW CAN YOU, BEING EVIL, SPEAK GOOD THINGS? FOR OUT OF THE ABUNDANCE OF THE HEART THE MOUTH SPEAKS.”

We prevent other people from coming too near and getting to know us.   It is not that we go headlong and expose all our past sins ­ this may be very reckless on the partner if we did so.   We should, however, not put on airs.   Our hearts are corrupt enough with evil, pride, hate and jealousy or riddled with doubt and anxiety.

One of the best things in a marriage is that ‘the high and mighty’ husband or the ‘Holier than thou’ wife steps down from their self-righteous pedestal, confesses their weaknesses, and expresses their needs.   Such humility helps build down resentment; it helps to rekindle love again and repair broken communication ties.   To give our impression about what we are not is hypocrisy.

There are few situations in life, which are more miserable than being married to someone who is unyielding, self-sufficient, thinks his opinion is infallible, and his deeds are impeccable. However, sometimes a simple acceptance of a part of the problem will help melt resentment, and it will help facilitate the healing that is so necessary.

Another reason why we do not want communication because we are afraid of our partner’s reactions.   Some people go to pieces when told about their mistakes.   Their reactions can range from vociferous shouting, tears, anger, or prolonged periods of silence.   We do not want to re-live the unpleasantness when we realize how these reactions evolve.   So, we resolve to keep silent rather than communicate.   We do not see the purpose of why we should unnecessarily bringing anguish to our partner or ourselves. So, we withdraw into a shell of self-protection.

So, one of the main points is that we should ask ourselves, “How have I reacted in the past to a similar situation? Did I react in any way that my spouse would rather not communicate with me and spare him and me the repeat performance of anguish?” It is, after all, quite possible that the mistake lies in our behaviour instead of the partner’s behaviour.   Maybe we are responsible for causing the spouse to remain silent.

EPHESIANS 4:31

31 “LET ALL BITTERNESS, WRATH, ANGER, CLAMOR OR AND EVIL SPEAKING BE PUT AWAY FROM YOU, WITH ALL MALICE.”

Likewise: PROVERBS 15:1-2.

“A SOFT ANSWER TURNS AWAY WRATH, BUT A HARSH WORD STIRS UP ANGER.   THE TONGUE OF THE WISE USES KNOWLEDGE RIGHTLY, BUT THE MOUTH OF THE FOOL POURS FORTH FOOLISHNESS.”

Another obstacle to communication is the fear that the partner will use this information as a weapon.   When differences of opinion arise, some people tend to bring out old skeletons from the cupboard.   Old mistakes, weaknesses and failures are re-warmed.   If we are prone to this behaviour, it is hardly any wonder that the partner lacks confidence in communication! After all, who wants to hear a replay of the old Ballard months or even years afterwards? A person, who has the habit of re-warming old incidents, has more interest in being ‘right’ and ‘winning arguments’ than in a close personal relationship with the spouse.

Now we come to another very important but, at the same time, challenging aspect. “TO FORGIVE AND FORGET”.   Forgiving and forgetting are such important topics and methods for restoring a relationship.   Forgiving and forgetting are so important that this topic appears in different contexts and chapters of this book.   A lot hinges on this point and will depend on how well we can bring ourselves to manage the practical aspect of forgiving and forgetting.   In this context, we read the following in EPHESIANS 4:32:

32 “AND BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER, TENDER HEARTED, FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER, JUST AS GOD IN CHRIST ALSO FORGAVE YOU.”

 

JEREMIAH 31:34,  

34 “NO MORE SHALL EVERY MAN TEACH HIS NEIGHBOR, AND, EVERY MAN HIS BROTHER, SAYING KNOW THE LORD FOR THEY ALL SHALL KNOW ME, FROM THE LEAST OF THEM TO THE GREATEST OF THEM, SAYS THE LORD.   FOR I WILL FORGIVE THEIR INIQUITY, AND THEIR SINS I WILL REMEMBER NO MORE.”

 

PSALMS. 103:12

12 “AS FAR AS THE EAST IS FROM THE WEST, SO FAR HAS HE REMOVED OUR TRANSGRESSIONS FROM US.”

We see God Himself practice this virtue towards us from the last two quotations.

If our partner is confident that a personal expression of thought or feeling will never be a future weapon, they will naturally be more open.   There is one way to get this confidence. First, we must ask God to improve us. We need to ask God to give us the ability to break the old habit of rehashing the past, to provide us with the ability to forgive and forget ­ His way.   He will not take the memory of the incident away but only the sting.   He will remove every reason to bring up the incident in the future.

Sometimes we develop the false idea that total silence is the best alternative to a heated argument.   We feel we deserve a special prize when we bite our tongue and maintain stony silence, especially when the partner is raging and sending a torrential number of words.   This kind of silence fosters stress.   Apart from this, it makes the partner still more enraged.   A positive way to handle such a situation is to tell the partner what you feel with love and openness.   In the face of angry arguments or accusations, it is a complex art to say something in love.   Love is a cultivatable art. There are two sides to managing these situations; one is our ability to correctly recognize the spouse’s grievances with our feelings and by taking the spouse’s point of view and avoiding self-anger.   And the other side is to react in such a way that we can melt down the offence in the other person.   Bulldozing our point of view cannot melt this anger, but work for the good of all concerned in loving ways!

EPHESIANS 4:15, 

15 “BUT, SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE, MAY GROW UP IN ALL THINGS INTO HIM WHO IS THE HEAD ­ CHRIST.”

 

PROVERBS 15:1

1 “A SOFT ANSWER TURNS AWAY WRATH, BUT A HARSH WORD STIRS UP ANGER.”

The first principle is: Be honest.   A contented marriage relationship will have openness, and honesty over fear, wants, motivation, sex, money, weaknesses, mistakes, resentment, and misunderstanding.   Many problems would be much easier to solve if both husband and wife were only honest about it.   Do you have a problem you would like to keep away from your spouse?   If this is the case, we are keeping the partner out of this aspect of our life.   It is the equivalent of saying ­ They are emotionally not strong enough to take it or are not religiously advanced to be of help.   That is a backhanded insult that will drive them farther apart.

Do you have wishes that the partner could fulfil but do not? Are you too proud to ask? Or are you too ashamed to ask that you keep it to yourself and prefer to be a martyr?   Soon the internal tension and resentment will grow into a more significant crisis, and professional help may be necessary.   That is consequentially a very high price to pay.   The second principle for effective communication is to love.   Sometimes the truth can be cruel.   Because of that, it is necessary to speak up and speak out lovingly.   Communicating in love means that we should have a genuine concern for the other person’s feelings.

While it is necessary to speak out in love, choosing the proper time to speak about our problems and unburden our feelings on complex subjects is equally important.

PROVERBS 25:11

11 “A WORD FITLY SPOKEN IS LIKE APPLES OF GOLD, IN SETTINGS OF SILVER.”

 

PROVERBS 15:23

23 “A MAN HAS JOY BY THE ANSWER OF HIS MOUTH, AND A WORD SPOKEN IN DUE SEASON, HOW GOOD IT IS!”

 

IF WE WANT TO SPEAK ABOUT A MISTAKE IN THE PARTNER, LOVE WILL MAKE US SPEAK THE PROBLEM OVER WITH THE LORD FIRST.   He may show us that some of these wrong behaviours in the partner result from incorrect streaks in our attitude or behaviour ­, something that we first must control before the partner can make amends or improvement.   When we are sure that our conscience is unburdened enough, we can speak the point with our partner.   For the topics or areas where we are unsure if we are at fault, tell the partner you feel inadequate or fall short of yourself.   Let the other person feel they are dealing with a fallible human being.   The introductory talk should begin with a few words of praise and appreciation.   An unburdened conscience helps both the listener and the one who will speak.   It enables the one who is going to talk because it serves to have a positive attitude and consequently constructively broach the subject.   Words of praise and appreciation will help to encourage the partner rather than anger them.

PROVERBS 16: 24

24 “PLEASANT WORDS ARE LIKE A HONEYCOMB, SWEETNESS TO THE SOUL AND HEALTH TO THE BONES.”

 

GALATIANS 6:1

1 “BRETHREN, IF A MAN IS OVERTAKEN IN ANY TRESPASS, YOU WHO ARE SPIRITUAL RESTORE SUCH A ONE IN A SPIRIT OF GENTLENESS, CONSIDERING YOURSELF, LEST YOU ALSO BE TEMPTED.”

Sometimes there is a tendency to talk down from a self-made pedestal of ‘Holier than thou’, but God says that we should be gentle because even we are susceptible to the same weaknesses.   When the Holy Spirit is in control, we will be neither rude nor unfriendly and not give the impression of being infallible.

Love will prevent us from resorting to such passion, arousing generalizations such as “ALWAYS” or “NEVER”, for example, statements like, “You NEVER listen to me”, and “You ALWAYS interrupt me in the middle of my sentences”. But unfortunately, these generalizations are seldom accurate.

LOVE restrains us from anger, especially in front of children.

LOVE prevents us from exposing our partner’s weakness to others.

St. Peter has something interesting to say in

1 PETER 4:8

8 “AND ABOVE ALL THINGS HAVE FERVENT LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, FOR LOVE WILL COVER A MULTITUDE OF SINS.”

It is interesting for at least two significant reasons.

• Firstly, it brings peace and harmony to all concerned here and now.
• Secondly, it is an act of appeasement for our sins, and our heavenly bank balance increases.

Love will help us to be able to stop our talk at the right time.   Just as the timing to start a conversation is essential, – it is equally vital when to stop.   Too much word shelling the other person may destroy the points of discontentment, but it may also ruin the love of the person for you and thereby create a void that can quickly fill up with either resentment or hatred for you.

ECCLESIASTES 3

“A TIME TO TEAR.   AND A TIME TO SEW.”

Not all conversation is meaningful communication.   Sometimes our partner would have told us something significant if we only paused long enough to give them a chance to speak.   Many people, in their dominance, have the weakness of turning a conversation into a monologue.   Monologues do not have the advantage that a loving dialogue has.

LOVE will help us not force the partner into talking about subjects; they are unwilling to speak now.   Respecting the other person’s silence is very important! People must be ready to talk about something; if they have not reached a line of clarity in their minds about where they stand or how things are. Men may prefer to wait until they can understand it.   Men especially seem to need more time.   More time is because men tend to structure their thoughts in silence.   Unless the structure is clear, they prefer not to speak.

On the other hand, women like to articulate their ideas and then piece them together.   Men tend to structure their thoughts in silence; therefore, when a man comes home from work, he prefers not to talk about his work or things that bother him. In contrast, his wife is ready and waiting to hear it all, even before he has left his briefcase.   Each passing moment makes her more anxious and expectant that she blurts out the question and the man growls something like, ‘For heaven’s sake.’:  ” For heaven’s sake, what?   Maybe it is his way of saying, “Shut up”.   He is only trying to say, “Leave me alone ­. I have not yet processed all the new entries and variables into a structure where I can make head and tail out of it.”

The irony is that even though this happens frequently (almost daily in many cases), the wife never seems to grasp the point.   Of course, her thinking patterns are different from a man, but it is a lack of concern in her spouse’s thinking in this case.   On the other hand, the man never tells her how he feels and how he would prefer her not to ask until he has unwound himself out of the problem.   Instead, he growls and hopes to have convinced her that he needs to sort out the things in his mind.   His thinking patterns are different from hers.   His lack of concern is seeing that the spouse thinks differently and communicating the thinking needs that suit him best.   We cannot always assume that the husband and wife must have uniformity.   They may not be able to have it for various reasons which are incidental to their human makeup.   Hence marriage calls for enormous learning about each other and equally considerable adjustments.   The teaching and the adjustment go on and on; that is why it is a lifelong process; it is not a state of attainment.

LOVE always has regard for the other person ­ Their thoughts, feelings, etc.

LOVE is spiritual medicine which is effective enough to cure all communication problems.

Communication is how we can learn about and understand our partners.

God, however, already understands our partner. He made them.   Therefore, let us ask Him to give us the capability to understand the partner and communicate appropriately in the way that suits their thinking, making the marriage relationship grow more and more valuable every day.

God Bless You.