19 – SOLVING CONFLICT – CTW-2022-E

19 – SOLVING CONFLICT – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 19 – SOLVING CONFLICTS

No matter how well we get along with our spouse and communicate, there will be differences of opinion. People who claim they have no differences of view must lead a drab, colourless existence. Otherwise, they possess little personal individuality or are afraid to express the truth about their INNER FEELINGS. Finding two people with the same opinion about every subject would be a remarkable coincidence.

Differences of opinion will arise, and any one of many causes will produce them. The first reason could be the grim discovery that the spouse does not have all the glittering characteristics that the partner imagined before the wedding. Because we want all the undesirable character traits removed, we mentally enrol the spouse on the school of marital reforms. We then embark on the stupendous task of reconstructing the partner into an ideal one.

The favourite method of the wife seems to be to nag her husband. As assistance, she resorts to criticism and periodical outbursts of tears whenever necessary.

The favourite method of the husband seems to give her a ‘dig’. That is, to make some cutting comments and sarcastic remarks. He may occasionally resort to angry lectures interspersed with long periods of withdrawal and silence.

Two sinful self-wills. Each one, torn between the love of Self and a partner, finds themself in a situation where they must interact and test each other’s right to self-determination. Both wills are struggling to gain supremacy.

The result is Marital Conflict.

At the heart of every conflict is SELF. Most people blame the circumstances the unpleasant work; the small flat, the fuss with children; the neighbourhood, too little money; the interference with the in-laws etc. But the real problems are the HUMAN EGO, which wants unbridled freedom. The Ego seeks to do just as it pleases and expects the full cooperation of the partner. In other words, they want to be the Sun, and the partner should circle in orbit like an obedient planet. Of course, chaos will occur if two heavenly bodies vie for the exact middle point in the solar system. But this striving for the same central location happens in so many marriages.

Some young people want to get into marriage to escape unpleasant home situations quickly. The problem is their sinful Ego, not the home or the parents. It is this fallen Ego that they bring with them into their marriage. And then, this selfish Ego reacts with another selfish ego, and the old problems get overshadowed by newer ones. God will have to correct our old sinful nature, and then we will be able to live happily with another person in marriage.

When meaningful communication in marriage has broken down, a typical sign will be outbreaks of arguments over minor issues. Sometimes these arguments will be so frequent that at least one will feel they are incompatible. But, in God’s eyes, there is no incompatibleness . First, the two wills must surrender to Jesus Christ. Only when each partner places Jesus as the middle point of their marriage, and each partner seeks His glory only then happiness and peace will reign supreme.

Not all arguments are destructive. We must be clear about this point. Some may be necessary outlets to drain out festering wounds, driving each other apart. Many changes are often needed but nagging or cutting comments will not be the answer. On the contrary, it will only help escalate the tension and drive them further apart. A lively discussion will be an excellent method to bring true feelings into the open. Listed below are a few guidelines:

FIRST: We must establish that the aim and purpose will be to understand the other person better. If we achieve this objective, we can thank God for the disagreement. The aim of the discussion is not to decide the winner or loser. The purpose is not to alter the partner but to get a fresh insight into the partner’s thinking and feeling. And also about what is influencing the problem. It is clever when each partner re-states the other people’s issues to the partner’s complete satisfaction. Stating the other person’s issue will let the person know that the spouse is fully aware of the situation. Appreciation of a problem is a big help, and the goal of solving the conflict will come nearer.

SECONDLY: We must ask God for His help. We need His help for numerous reasons; one is dealing with controlling emotions. We often say things under the stress of feelings we do not mean. We could quite easily say things that hurt, cut, and destroy. People do not quickly forget these things. We do not signify that emotions should not be there. We would never be able to express our true feelings if we did not have emotions. Even though it is legal to have emotions, we must always be careful enough to control them. Mismanaged emotions are why we need the self-controlling power of the Holy Spirit. A lady once confided to a friend that the moment a discussion began to get heated, her husband would say, let us pray about it. His prayer would be audible. She says it had a tremendous tranquillizing effect on her marriage.

THIRDLY: We must attack the problem, not the person. NOT EVEN THE MOTIVES. In the case of critical arguments, it is easy to judge character incorrectly and to accuse the other of ulterior motives.

FOURTH: We must remember that we often experience angry attacks or stressful situations and then come home. Any remark, even if unrelated, may get us excited. But unfortunately, when the husband or wife is excited, the only convenient target is the spouse.

LASTLY: We need to know how and when to conclude our arguments. Some fights never end. They remain for years. Others seem to die without any concluding result. Disputes without conclusion only deepen the undercurrents of resentment. The remark of ‘let us forget it’ often means that one person is saying if we keep on discussing the topic, I will have to give in. If we are at fault, we should say so and be done with it, not keep it as an undeclared thorn to fester. If you need time to think the matter over, then say it, for example, this: I am beginning to see your point, but I need time to think it over. “THEN DO THAT BEFORE THE LORD.

HOW DO WE SOLVE CONFLICTS?

Some Biblical principles will help us.

FIRST: We should want to concentrate on our mistakes and find ways to improve ourselves.

Avoid the temptation to sulk because of any wrongdoings towards us.

Old offences and injustices should not be re-warmed.

Examine whether we have contributed towards some part of the fault Maybe we have placed heavy demands on the partner for the sake of our conveniences.

Were we indifferent to the needs of a partner?

Was it the coolness we expressed because of our hurt?

Was it selfish pride?

It is so easy to let our mind drift to the spouse’s part of the blame this is something we tend to do because of our fallen human nature. We must spend time learning how to avoid this pitfall.

We often get tempted to use excuses likes, I did that (or said that because the spouse said or did something before that, but this is a ploy from the devil. The devil always prefers that we concentrate on the partner’s mistakes instead of our mistakes, and he promotes discord. Jesus said that is hypocrisy.

MATTHEW 7: 5

5 “HYPOCRITE! FIRST REMOVE THE PLANK FROM YOUR OWN EYE, AND THEN YOU WILL SEE CLEARLY TO REMOVE THE SPECK OUT OF YOUR BROTHER’S EYE.”

VIEW POINT 1

It is human nature to be harsh to others and mild towards Self.
This severe to others and gentle towards Self is egoism.
HUMILITY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS TOLERANT TO THE OTHER BUT EXACTING TOWARDS SELF.
God will forgive us and restore marital harmony if we admit OUR PRIDE.
Once we have acknowledged our part of the fault and received God’s grace, we can pray to Him to grant us VICTORY OVER OUR SINFUL SELF-WILL.
This way, we can relinquish our craving to have our way in everything.

—

VIEW POINT 2

We often think that everything will be OK if only the partner changes, but it seldom dawns on us that even we need to change.
We can never change the other by blaming or criticizing. On the contrary, these tactics only drive the separating wedge further.

—

VIEW POINT 3

God can make us new and better spouses.
God does not expect us to change our spouse; He only requires that we provide for the spouse’s needs.

—

VIEW POINT 4

If we improve ourselves, our marriage will improve.
Our unselfish attitude towards satisfying the spouse will bring us rewards.

SECONDLY: Forgive the partner fully. It is not easy to forgive the partner if the partner does not express any wish to be pardoned. But despite this, we should stand above things and accept that at least some part of the fault is due to us. Consider it more straightforward for you to forgive the partner than for the partner to let go of hurts.

The points mentioned below work for the spouse, but they work even in a larger circle.

So, be THE BIGGER PERSON and stand above shallow disagreements.
By taking the FIRST STEP to FORGIVING, you transform yourself into NOBELNESS.
The flip side is to remain as THE VICTIM who wallows in expectation and sulks into defeat.
By taking the FIRST STEP to FORGIVING, you NOT ONLY transform yourself into NOBELNESS, but you also give the other person a chance to RECONSIDER you as a person WHO BUILDS THEM UP rather than TEARS THEM DOWN. In addition, you allow them to examine how you are LIFTING THEM.

MATTHEW 18: 21-22

21 “THEN PETER CAME TO HIM AND SAID, ‘LORD, HOW OFTEN SHALL MY BROTHER SIN AGAINST ME, AND I FORGIVE HIM? UP TO SEVEN TIMES?”

22 JESUS SAID TO HIM, “I DO NOT SAY TO YOU UP TO SEVEN TIMES, BUT UP TO SEVENTY TIMES SEVEN.”

Seventy times seven is a symbolic way of saying an endless number of times.

Sometimes one or the other may say, but the hurt is too big. I cannot forgive this.

This hurt is too big and is a feeling of magnitude.

MATTHEW 6: 14-15

14 “FOR IF YOU FORGIVE MEN THEIR TRESPASSES, YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER WILL ALSO FORGIVE YOU.

15 BUT IF YOU DO NOT FORGIVE MEN THEIR TRESPASSES, NEITHER WILL YOUR FATHER FORGIVE YOU YOUR TRESPASSES.”

The importance of forgiveness can never be overestimated.
When we forgive, our resentment and bitterness will melt.
Our burden will be lighter.
We will dismantle our brash attitude.
We will become better people.

And that is what we want to become!

Our old aversion for the partner will replace genuine concern, creating marital harmony. In a nutshell, peace happens WHEN WE FORGIVE, WE HELP OURSELF, AND AT THE SAME TIME, WE HELP OUR PARTNER.

THIRDLY: apologies, honestly and frankly. Do not bring in the ‘Ifs’ and ‘Buts’.

JAMES 5:16

16 “CONFESS YOUR TRESPASSES TO ONE ANOTHER, AND PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER THAT YOU MAY BE HEALED. THE EFFECTIVE, FERVENT PRAYER OF A RIGHTEOUS MAN AVAILS MUCH, HONEST AND FRANK ADMITTANCE OF GUILT IS A POWERFUL HEALING FORCE.”

LASTLY: We should ask pardon from the other.

Why is it so difficult to apologize?

– PRIDE is the first reason.

But one likely did apologize but was refused forgiveness in the past. And now, there is no more courage left to ask for forgiveness. So maybe the person who asked for forgiveness earlier feels to ask for forgiveness from this person is like asking for feathers from a tortoise, so they stop asking.

On the other hand, it is also possible that there was some wrong attitude when apologizing that put the other person off. We must be clear that many negative feelings, attitudes and memories are in the way in such situations. It may just be possible that there was something improper about our course, or it was mistakenly inappropriate. Many people also think that the admittance of a fault is a sign of weakness. Still, it is a sign of spiritual and emotional strength It is the hallmark of a healthy and balanced personality.

MATTHEW 5: 23-24

23 “THEREFORE IF YOU BRING YOUR GIFTS TO THE ALTER, AND THERE YOU REMEMBER THAT YOUR BROTHER HAS SOMETHING AGAINST YOU,

24 LEAVE YOUR GIFT THERE BEFORE THE ALTER, AND GO ON YOUR WAY. FIRST BE RECONCILED TO YOUR BROTHER, AND THEN COME AND OFFER YOUR GIFT.”

Please re-read this quotation and try to explore the depth of Jesus’ teaching. I have been a catholic all my life. I have heard this teaching many times, but only when I pondered intensely did I find how extraordinary Jesus’ teaching was. Leave your gift at the altar if your brother has something against you. It is not only our responsibility to forgive and forget; it is also our duty towards others and God to admit our faults and ask others for pardon. So, at the early part of the Holy Mass, we say, “I confess, To Almighty God and you, my brothers and sisters, that I have sinned and ask pardon.” Asking for forgiveness is vital, but since we know the prayer by heart, we may tend to mumble it mechanically without giving any thought to the deep meaning.

Some will come by the idea that the partner should forgive us regardless of whether we apologize. Yes, they should. But every person must answer for their sins, faults, and omissions. God will demand the same procedure from the partner. God certainly does not expect that we present Him with an account of our partner’s sins.

Others may ask, but who started it? Who should take the first step?” Both questions arise from egoism AND ARE IRRELEVANT BECAUSE THE SELF SHOULD TAKE THE FIRST STEP. THEN WE SHOULD LEAVE IT TO GOD TO USE OUR SELFLESSNESS TO BRING HEALING TO THE MARRIAGE.

If you both work hard enough to repair your marital relationship, you will eventually fix it. However, it is equally important to understand some typical factors that make relapse possible.

RELAPSE

One of the things that both partners must understand is that their relationship after a conflict is initially very fragile. There are still residual memories of hurt and unhealed feelings. We must realize that extra sensitivity takes time to taper down. This awareness is necessary; otherwise, even the slightest remark seems to provoke. Some of the relapse reactions are:

(a) They may go to pieces

(b) They may work extremely hard at work or on social projects.

(d) Reckless adventure, spending.

These behavioural outlets should change if unproductive or detrimental. Change calls for coping with undoing certain habits, giving up certain indulgences, making up the lost ground, repairing damages, restoring relationships etc. The partner must be aware that any of these developments could have happened. We should be thankful for any positive outcomes, but they are no longer their problem alone for unwanted results. It is for both partners to try and help each other to irk out the disharmony.

God Bless You.