23 – FEAR AND THREAT – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 23 – FEAR AND THREAT

When I started the book, I mentioned that surprise is always present when a marriage separation occurs.   The following three chapters explain the modalities that bring the traps on.   I put this explanation towards the end of the book because a fair amount of groundwork was necessary before going into the surprise areas.

I was baffled at why a good marriage could break up. So I was interested to find out what caused this surprising turn in marriage.   When I say stable marriage, I mean a marriage where both partners are good, where they got married of their own free will and had a reasonably good idea of each other.   As opposed to what I call ‘regular’ would be a situation where people get married because of external pressures.

Some examples of external pressure:

  • A baby is on the way
  • A partner thinks this marriage opportunity may never come again.
  • A Partner or both partners feel they are getting old.
  • Parental Pressure

The whole element of surprise, as mentioned in the ‘PROLOGUE’ and ‘CONFLICT AND SURPRISES’, does not centre on unemployed people, uneducated etc., but rather it centres around people who are socially at an advantage. For example:

  • Like educated people with good jobs and who come from good families.
  • Like people with no previous cases of separation, even in their family tree or present family circle.
  • People who consciously adhere to religion.
  • People with intelligent, pleasing ways and law-abiding.

 

When a marriage breaks up, the causal factors broadly fall into two major groups:

a) The apparent factors (knowing)

 

b) The unobvious factors (feelings)

 

The obvious factors are like:

a) Difficulties ­, for example, financial difficulties.

b) Differences – In opinion, outlook, upbringing, religion, beliefs, customs, traditions etc.

c) Unacceptable factors ­ habits, vices, friends, in-laws, customs, traditions etc.

 

Because these factors are apparent, people can quickly see what is troubling the marriage.   Even though the elements may not be removable, speaking of the reason is possible.

 

As the term implies, the unobvious factors are not apparent even to each other.   They cannot understand “what” or “why” something does not feel right with their relationship (It is feeling as opposed to knowing).   They do not feel comfortable, safe, secure, accepted, and trusted.   Because of these feelings and not because of knowing precisely what the matter is, they become uneasy and irritated.   Suggestions or attempts to talk reason face opposition.   They are not opposing reasoning; they are searching for explanations.   They are expressing through the opposition that they do not know how to process those unexplainable feelings in the light of clear-cut reasoning.   It is this helplessness that frustrates them.   This helplessness is even more aggravating for them because they are considered successful in other matters of logic.   They miss the point because they are trying to apply their INTELLECTUAL REASONING (of which they may be very successful) into a problem area where FEELING and EMOTIONS are involved.

 

Whether we like it or not, every one of us comes across all kinds of factors and influences.   Some aspects are to our advantage, while others are to our disadvantage. Moreover, each element has a wide range of shades and hues, which lend colour and complications.

 

One of the factors that a person on this human pilgrimage will face is moments of UNCERTAINTY.  

 

UNCERTAINTIES will give rise to FEAR and ANXIETY, which are feelings.   They can be very gripping if we do not know what to do about them.   Let us define one of these feelings right now and the second one as we move further into the text; we will also define THREAT right now:

 

FEAR is an emotion caused by impeding evil, alarm, or dread.

 

THREAT is a declaration of intention to punish or hurt.

 

Before we see what to do about these two types of factors, let us know what each one leads to in the context of marriage:

 

In everyday parlance, we have formed a definite idea of what we conceptualize under the words “Fear” and “Threat”. We derive these ideas predominantly from the medium we hear, like TV and Radio.   We also get it from what we read, like magazines and books.   If we bring all these media influences onto one common platform, they all fall under the category of what may be sensational news.   The setting of such writing and portrayals is rooted in crises, uprisings, wars, terror, or violence.   The text is moved with a definite aim to write and portray the news material from the selling point of view.   The effectiveness of the news medium is how well they clothe and spice up the events with sensationalism.   Why? Because sensationalism sells well.

 

Words like FEAR and THREAT are almost always associated with unrest, disturbance, separation and sometimes violence.

 

In today’s marriages, especially the marriage settings I have stated in this book, the association of violence with FEAR and THREAT is not commonplace.   This book is not about some tribal marriages that are about customs associated with Jungle-Laws, nor are they about the lawless Wild West, where Fast Draw and Gun Law mingle side by side with ego and anarchy.

 

Today’s marriage partners, especially those this book addresses, are average, law-abiding, God-fearing people with the will and the wish for a peaceful marriage.

 

Today’s husband in the civilized world is an honest, hard-working person trying to make and maintain a standard of living for his family and himself.   He has no time or energy to devote to making enemies with his wife; in fact, he is more than happy to enlist her support. Today’s wives are equally well-intentioned and trying to live within their family standards and income.   Besides, her tasks are many:  wife, mother, teacher, assistant, and homemaker. The list is long.   In addition, one expects her to change from one role to another at short notice quickly.   She also has no time or energy to devote to making enemies with her husband. On the contrary, she would like to have his support-often more than anything else in the world! If this is the situation of today’s marriage partners, How come there are questions about FEAR and THREATS?

 

Violence in the FEAR and THREAT situations of everyday marriage is practically non-existent.   Especially for the types of people who read this book.   Even though physical violence may be absent, today’s regular marriage partners face various subtle and sophisticated manifestations of FEAR and THREAT.   Today FEAR and THREAT are so well disguised that surprises are understandable.   For example, Partners fear their spouses may get promoted and go beyond their ability to keep up. News media and gossip instil FEAR when they mention the destructive sensations of how divorce or separation split people and people’s life savings, custody battles etc.

 

Fear has many facets, and we can only mention a few; Fear of loss of love, Criticism, Fear of loss of ability; Fear of what ill health will do to the Partner’s affection; Fear of rejection etc.

 

People feel threatened because of these fears, and they unconsciously react in subtle ways.   These reactions are so inconspicuous that they may not be large enough to address on an intellectual level. Still, it is sufficient to be perceived by the emotional feelings of the other person. Of course, some of these fears are only potential; others are anticipatory, and many are imaginary, but the dialogue between the “HEART” and the uncontrolled “MIND” can give rise to a FEAR-THREAT situation.

 

POSSESSIVENESS, JEALOUSY, and ENVY can also bring a Fear-Threat situation.   Whatever the factors mentioned above, none of these developments has evolved out of modern times.   They were always there.   The only thing, which seems to have changed considerably, is that the elementary form of violence is no longer acceptable, so subtle and sophisticated challenges have replaced it.   There is also more freedom of thought and expression, which is good.   But this freedom calls for more discretion and more wisdom in its usage. Therefore, you must use your skills to chart your course through life’s tests and challenges, including Fear-Threat situations.

 

The dynamics of FEAR-THREAT situations are:

 

–           FEAR leads to a THREAT.

 

–           The effect of these two components on the other person is precisely mirror-imaged.   ­ The THREAT IS RECEIVED and turned into FEAR.

 

–           The echo is that the receiver sends out their version of a NEW OR COUNTER THREAT.

 

–           The result is a continual transmission of Fear and Threats.   Most of this is non-verbal, and a large number is so tiny that they never seem significant enough to alert the intellect, but the emotion takes in a lot

 

ANXIOUSNESS develops because of Fear-Threat situations and is then sent to the MIND to process. The result could be a call for ACTION.

 

ACTION, in this case, is either to “fight” or “run.”

 

PANIC is rash precipitation into ACTION.

 

Some points to consider in married life:

a. ‘LOVE’ is the most critical emotional factor.

b. ‘LOVE’‘ that unifies a marriage.

c. ‘LOVE’ keeps a marriage going.

d. With more ‘LOVE‘, a marriage grows and becomes successful.

e. With still more ‘‘LOVE’, faults and differences become bearable.

 

In this garden of ‘LOVE’, sly and unnoticeable thoughts creep in and cause fear.   And from there on, the dynamics of the Fear-Threat situation take over.   What often happens in a marriage situation is not only a simple dynamics of a back and forth of Fear and Threat;

Sometimes, additional complications occur because of TRIANGULAR formations.   A third person may cause the Triangle, for example, a colleague, a friend, or in-laws. Sometimes the triangle formation is caused by an inanimate thing like Job, Career, etc.

 

One of the peculiar traits of a marital FEAR-THREAT SITUATION is that it creates an inductive fear for others in similar situations.   This FEAR-THREAT SITUATION is why stable and happily married friends in the same age group and from the same background feel a unique sense of uneasiness and insecurity in the presence of divorced and separated persons.   They are unconsciously shunning Fear and Threat vibrations.   Life is a continual process where we must deal with all the factors influencing us.   We are to give importance to some aspects and cut others right down to the level of pointers and indicators that tell us when we are swaying off our course.   We need these factors to regulate our route back to our objectives.

In FEAR-THREAT Relationship TRIANGLES, the sides are HUSBAND ­ WIFE ­ LOVER (actual or suspected). So naturally, there will be emotional disturbances in a situation like this. However, the emotional outlooks will differ depending on the MAN-WOMAN differences.

 

In such cases, the disturbance components are:

 

  1. a) PHYSICAL ATTACHMENT

 

  1. b) EMOTION ATTACHMENT

 

For example: If the TRIANGLE is: HUSBAND-WIFE-OTHER MAN.   The husband fears and is threatened more by the PHYSICAL ATTACHMENT of the other man to his wife.

 

On the other hand, if the TRIANGLE is: HUSBAND-WIFE-OTHER WOMAN. Then, the wife would fear and be threatened more by the husband’s EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT to the other woman.

 

One of our objectives is to break the fear-threat situation in our marriage and other areas of our human interrelationship.   The Bible tells us many surprising ways to break the Fear-Threat strains.   Often the approach of the Bible sounds paradoxical to us until we begin to think deeply.   Let us only consider two teachings:

 

  1. The Bible says:

EPHESIANS 5: 22-25

22 WIVES, SUBMIT TO YOUR OWN HUSBANDS, AS TO THE LORD.

23 FOR THE HUSBAND IS HEAD OF THE WIFE, AS ALSO CHRIST IS HEAD OF THE CHURCH; AND HE IS THE SAVIOR OF THE BODY.

24 THEREFORE, JUST AS THE CHURCH IS SUBJECT TO CHRIST, SO LET THE WIVES BE TO THEIR OWN HUSBANDS IN EVERYTHING.

25 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, JUST AS CHRIST ALSO LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER,

 

This statement is not a suggestion or a recommendation. This verse is a COMMANDMENT OF GOD.

 

Today’s educated, financially independent wives do not like this.   It seems out of tune with the yellings of the world.   The world is yelling about the emancipation of women.   The world brays that women should assert their rights even in the home.   This emancipation idea does not work well at all.

What happens?

A FEAR-THREAT SITUATION begins to form because the husband subtly fears a threat to his headship and withdraws love subtly.   Here is where the ‘Ping-Pong Ball Effect’ forms – She perceives the THREAT of loss of love. The ‘Ping-Pong Ball Effect’ develops further and gradually escalates to complications leading to increased FEAR-THREAT SITUATIONS.

 

In this context, the Bible has a clear-cut formula:

WIVES BE SUBJECT TO YOUR HUSBANDS.   HUSBANDS LOVE YOUR WIVES.   By following this teaching, the FEAR-THREAT SITUATIONS break immediately.

 

  1. b) The Bible tells us, “LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.” So the whole complicated process which upholds fear and threats is broken because there are no more mirrors imaging new threats or counter threats.

 

The Bible has a lot of simple, straightforward formulas, which sound paradoxical to us at first. However, we should think about them quietly and seriously because they hold the keys to success.

 

The world spends fortunes to overcome fear and anxiousness.  ­ Pills, Prescriptions and Drug manufacturers make financial empires out of people seeking a solution.   Yet most people are still uncertain whether their money can buy them solutions.   The Bible tells us what we can do about it:

 

REGARDING FEAR:

1 JOHN 4:18

18 “THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE, BUT PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR, BECAUSE FEAR INVOLVES TORMENT.    BUT HE WHO FEARS HAS NOT BEEN MADE PERFECT IN LOVE.”  

 

REGARDING ANXIOUSNESS:

PHILIPPIANS 4:6

6 “BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING BUT IN EVERYTHING BY PRAYER AND SUPPLICATION, WITH THANKS GIVING, LET YOUR REQUESTS BE MADE KNOWN TO GOD.”   

God Bless You.