8 – BECOMING ONE IN – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 8 – BECOMING ONE IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is a divine institution designed by God for the good of humanity.   Yet we find it to be one of the most baffling phenomena.   On one side, many people cannot wait to be married; on the other, many married people are trying desperately to get out of it.   They are willing to fight their way out of marriage.   Willing to pay money to lawyers to get them separated.

When God created the world, God said, “AND IT WAS GOOD.” – Seven times.   

GENESIS 1:4,10, 12, 18, 21,25, 31.   THEN suddenly, He said, “IT IS NOT GOOD.” GENESIS   2:18. 

 

What was not good? ­ It is not good that man should be alone.   It was clear that Adam needed and depended on God first and foremost. Still, God also saw that Adam could do well to have a companion of equal value.   God said, “I will make him a Helpmeet.” Helpmeet is from Hebrew, which means ‘help’ and ‘agreeing to him’.   A woman was to complement the man spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically.   She was to complete what he lacked and enlarge his potential.   God sent Adam into a deep sleep, took a rib from him, and created a woman.   The creation made God the first Anesthesiologist.   The Bible text is engaging! Why did God decide to create a woman out of his rib? St. Augustine, the great theologian of the Church, said, If God wanted the woman to rule over man, He might have taken a bone out of Adam’s head.   If He wanted the woman to be his servant, he might have considered taking a bone from one of his toes.   But to take one of the ribs was to signify that God had it in mind that woman should be an equal and a helpmeet.

 

A wife is a partner and not the property of the husband.   It may sound degrading for a wife to be a helpmeet, but this role glorifies her.   First, man is not complete without her; secondly, she is incomplete without him.   Thirdly when a wife truly fits in her God-designed role of helpmeet, the admiration she receives is far more than beauty, wealth, possession etc.   TOGETHERNESS is an admiration that crosses all boundaries.   Age cannot tarnish it, failing health cannot negate it, and it can shine through wealth or poverty.   This admiration is universal.   The TOGETHERNESS quality enthrals young, old, rich, poor, male or female.   Hardly any other attributes in an inter-human relationship impress the heart as much. (Except for the innocence of a child).   That is why we use words like glorify a wife.   To elaborate on this point, I suggest reading the Book of Proverbs, chapter 31, VERSES 10-31.

 

This text is in full within the chapter ‘For wives’. God has not made defective designs. Still, He has given everyone the free will to follow His strategy, gain overwhelming admiration, or fall out and reap anything between false respect and total contempt.   Two people intending to become one through marriage is explained mainly by the internal need to be attached to the complementary part of one’s spiritual, mental, and physical personality.   During a marriage separation, both partners experience mental and spiritual pain.   This pain is because of the loss of the ‘complement part’.   It is like the pain experienced by someone with some limb amputated.   It is quite apart from the pain caused by the loss of utility.   The loss caused by separation resulting from marriage conflict differs from the loss experienced when a boyfriend or a girlfriend goes apart.   There is a shallower loss when a boyfriend and girlfriend go apart.   There is a physical loss in ego, convenience, and possible prospective Partner.

The pain caused by separation is even different from the pain experienced when a partner dies.   It is difficult to describe this pain, and it is equally harrowing to understand if you have not experienced it. The nearest explanation would be: In the death of a partner, one is separated from a dead part of oneself, whereas in marital separation, it is from a living part of oneself.   Children are the nearest analogy to being separated from a living part of oneself. For example, there is a pain when denied access and custody of your children, especially if the children are very young. This pain is unique. Your children are not only a part of both of you. But in many ways, both partners live ‘in’, ‘through’ and ‘for’ each other because of their children.

 

You are a part of each other in your MIND, EMOTIONS, HEART, and THOUGHTS.   There is a sense of goodwill, protection, nurturing, and concern from natural and intuitive love.   Some of these concerns may (reluctantly) recede as the child grows into adulthood and needs independence.

 

If you think about it, God gave the first bride away.   And many years later, Jesus said,

“AND THEY SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.” MATTHEW 19:5,

 

It is often difficult to accept, but the in-laws are a great source of marital disharmony.   It is one of the mysteries of life, and we would be well advised to keep this in mind; later in the chapter, FOR HUSBANDS, we will return to this point.

 

Marriage is more than just two people living in one house.   The goal is to become one flesh. Therefore, they should have total trust in sharing their innermost feeling and their innermost self, as it were.

 

Only when a husband and wife become aware that God had designed them to become a single entity will they realize how foolish it is to try and wound each other because, in the end, they are injuring and damaging another part of themselves.   Yet, despite all our mature, worldly wisdom and the ability to accept and understand so many complicated things, we have difficulties understanding the implications of becoming one flesh. So many of us seem to comprehend so little, just like toddlers.   What happened? What delayed this evolution? There are many answers to this point.   One is that life’s problems are complex, as we have seen in the previous chapter; Two:  the world, in general, has placed value on teaching a wide variety of subjects ranging from Sciences, Arts, Commerce, Trades, etc.   But who bothers to make conscientious efforts to learn about the life, personal, and religious relationships?

 

No one gets any form of schooling about marriage.   People look at marriage as though it is a stepchild and treat it as a waste of time.   Furthermore, they think or hope this knowledge will come automatically or by instinct.   The result is that people worldwide are making the same mistake repeatedly. History repeats itself frequently.   The hard-won experience is not made systematically available.   The result is that every couple is re-inventing the wheels of marriage for themselves.   How can marital progress be possible this way?   Where would our mathematical or scientific progress be if everyone had to dream up how to invent a system of numbers, multiplication rules, or the Pythagoras theorem?   We do not grow apple trees in our gardens and place our children under them, hoping that one day when an apple falls on one of their heads, they will hopefully learn what gravity is all about.   Somehow, while we have been clever enough to appreciate the acquisition of knowledge of diverse areas, we have failed to recognize the need to acquire an understanding of marriage.   Coupled with this gross omission, we tend to have the arrogant outlook that we can quickly and easily master these problems with little or no effort.   When marital problems come, we are surprised at how incompetent we are.   We are like toddlers in some situations; in other cases, we become like bulls in a China Shop.   At other times we are like crying babes in the jungle, yet at different times and perhaps most of the time, we are like clumsy lumbering bears emerging out of the woods with a bit of re-invention in our hands.   Even before those around us know what has happened, we lumber back into the woods again.   Only the distant sound of crashing and colliding makes everyone aware that life in our marriage is still ticking.   When you show genuine love and affection for your Partner, you show love and understanding for another part of yourself.

IN MATTHEW 19:6,    

JESUS SAID, “SO THEN THEY ARE NO LONGER TWO BUT ONE FLESH.   THEREFORE WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER, LET MAN NOT SEPARATE.”

 

As already mentioned, separation is like an amputation.   No one with a thorn in his hand tries to cut the hand off; instead, he carefully tries to remove the irritating thorn.   Careful efforts are how they should be with a marital problem also.   They are no longer two; instead, they have become one entity.

 

Regarding divorce, Jesus tells us,

MATTHEW 19:9.

“AND I SAY TO YOU, WHO EVER DIVORCE HIS WIFE, EXCEPT FOR SEXUAL IMMORALITY, AND MARRIES ANOTHER, COMMITS ADULTERY, AND WHOEVER MARRIES HER WHO IS DIVORCED COMMITS ADULTERY.”   

—-

 

1 CORINTHIANS. 7:10

10 “NOW TO THE MARRIED I COMMAND, YET NOT I BUT THE LORD: A WIFE IS NOT TO DEPART FROM HER HUSBAND.”

 

Divorce is no exit for marriage partners who cannot solve their problems.   The road to marital happiness is not dumping the existing Partner and taking on a new one.   The attitude should be with God’s grace to change oneself and become a new and better person to the same Partner. However, we should leave it to God to rectify the spouse.   We do not need to do God’s work for Him.   We tend to think and act differently, primarily on this point.   We usually try to look to God to change our Partner because, in your eyes, all the faults are in the spouse.   And we try to give God the impression that everything is in order with ourselves.   Our fallen human nature is like that.

 

Why do we have a fallen nature? Why couldn’t we be perfect beings that do not make mistakes?

 

We cannot answer this fully because we do not know all of God’s wisdom.   But there are many indications to assume that God allowed us to grapple with a fallen nature. As a result, he wants us to earn a superior way of life ­ to grow, rise, and improve.   For this purpose, He has given us our WILLPOWER and His Grace.   The Grace of God and our correct use of our WILLPOWER are the medicines to make these objectives possible.   He has also given us His word, moral values, and conscience on which to orient our thinking.

 

Sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence.   A few married couples have crossed over, but they soon realized that even over there, there are unpleasantness, human conflict, stressful situations, and every other thing that they experienced in their previous marriage.   Maybe they acquired a new marriage partner, but all the old problems of selfishness, immaturity, etc., are all over again.   It is not always uncommon that one Partner yearns for the previous Partner all over again.

 

We can say it has no meaning to dispose of the old Partner and take on a new one. Instead, the wisdom lies in transforming the unharmonious and unhappy situation into a harmonious and happy one with the same Partner.

God Bless You.