15 – FOR WIVES – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 15 – FOR WIVES

The primary responsibility of a husband in a Christian home is to love his wife.   To love his wife is mentioned many times in the Bible.   However, in one verse in the Holy Scriptures, the wife is told to love her husband.

TITUS 2:4,5

“THAT THEY ADMONISH THE YOUNG WOMEN TO LOVE THEIR HUSBAND AND THEIR CHILDREN.”

 

The next verse says,

5 “TO BE DISCREET, CHASTE, HOMEMAKERS, GOOD, OBEDIENT TO THEIR OWN HUSBANDS, THAT THE WORD OF GOD MAY NOT BE BLASPHEMED.”

 

Obedience involves subjection as well as subordination.   This point is commanded not less than six times in the New Testament.

EPHESIANS 5:22-23 and then 25-33

22 “WIVES, SUBMIT TO YOUR OWN HUSBANDS, AS TO THE LORD, FOR THE HUSBAND IS THE HEAD OF THE WIFE, AS ALSO CHRIST IS THE HEAD OF THE CHURCH; AND HE IS THE SAVIOR OF THE BODY,

23  THEREFORE, JUST AS THE CHURCH IS SUBJECT TO CHRIST, SO LET THE WIVES BE TO THEIR OWN HUSBANDS IN EVERYTHING.”

—

25 HUSBANDS, LOVE YOUR WIVES, JUST AS CHRIST ALSO LOVED THE CHURCH AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER,

26 THAT HE MIGHT SANCTIFY AND CLEANSE HER WITH THE WASHING OF WATER BY THE WORD,

27 THAT HE MIGHT PRESENT HER TO HIMSELF A GLORIOUS CHURCH, NOT HAVING SPOT OR WRINKLE OR ANY SUCH THING, BUT THAT SHE SHOULD BE HOLY AND WITHOUT BLEMISH.

28 SO HUSBANDS OUGHT TO LOVE THEIR OWN WIVES AS THEIR OWN BODIES; HE WHO LOVES HIS WIFE LOVES HIMSELF.

29 FOR NO ONE EVER HATED HIS OWN FLESH, BUT NOURISHES AND CHERISHES IT, JUST AS THE LORD DOES THE CHURCH.

30 FOR WE ARE MEMBERS OF HIS BODY, [H]OF HIS FLESH AND OF HIS BONES.

31 “FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.”

32 THIS IS A GREAT MYSTERY, BUT I SPEAK CONCERNING CHRIST AND THE CHURCH.

33 NEVERTHELESS LET EACH ONE OF YOU IN PARTICULAR SO LOVE HIS OWN WIFE AS HIMSELF, AND LET THE WIFE SEE THAT SHE RESPECTS HER HUSBAND.

 

The blueprint for success is:

The HUSBAND should LOVE. The HUSBAND should LOVE even when the wife has her set of challenges.

The WIFE should RESPECT. The WIFE should RESPECT even when the husband has his set of challenges—losing a job, the misfortune of ‘down-sizing’ etc.

—

In obeying your husband, you are submitting to the will of God.   He has commanded it.   If you find it challenging to do this for your husband, do it then for the sake of God.   The Lord loves you perfectly; when you love your husband, you reciprocate love back to God.

This thought has already come up in one of the earlier chapters, but it is necessary to repeat it because many modern wives find it difficult.

—-

 

In COLOSSIANS 3:18,  we read,

18 “WIVES SUBMIT TO YOUR OWN HUSBANDS, AS IS FITTING IN THE LORD.”

 —

1 PETER 3:1-5

1 “LIKEWISE YOU BE SUBMISSIVE TO YOUR OWN HUSBANDS, THAT EVEN IF SOME DO NOT OBEY THE WORD, THEY, WITHOUT A WORD, MAY BE WON BY THE CONDUCT OF THEIR WIVES,

2  WHEN THEY OBSERVE YOUR CHASTE CONDUCT ACCOMPANIED BY FEAR (respect).   

3  DO NOT LET YOUR BEAUTY BE THAT OUTWARD ADORNING OF ARRANGING THE HAIR, OF WEARING GOLD, OR OF PUTTING ON FINE APPAREL.  

4  BUT LET IT BE THE HIDDEN PERSON OF THE HEART, WITH THE INCORRUPTIBLE ORNAMENT OF A GENTLE AND QUITE SPIRIT, WHICH IS VERY PRECIOUS IN THE SIGHT OF GOD.  

5  FOR IN THIS MANNER, IN FORMER TIMES, THE HOLY WOMEN WHO TRUSTED IN GOD ALSO ADORNED THEMSELVES, BEING SUBMISSIVE TO THEIR OWN HUSBANDS.”

 

The words: “In all things.  .  .” is extensive Coverage. God did not say you should be obedient only in things you like to obey, which you want to do, or occasionally.   The Bible does not make your obedience subject to your husband’s love or behaviour towards you, just as God did not make his love for your subject to the condition of your submission to Him.

 

Sometimes a wife may say, “But my husband does not care about my feelings! So I must put my foot down to get my rights!” Are you questioning God’s words or the wisdom of God? Do you think that when God wrote His instructions, He did not have your situations in life before him? Therefore, even while He was writing the words, in all things?”, He must have known right from the beginning that this would be the best for you; otherwise, He would not have written it. Therefore, obedience to this command glorifies God very much.

 

“But my husband is a jellyfish; how can I be submissive and depend on him?” Try it;   Try to be submissive to him in all things, just like you would be to the Lord.    Bend your decisions.   Trust him and his capabilities instead of running him down, making fun of him, making him feel small, or comparing him with other men.   Tell him that you trust him, that he is capable and that you are thankful to the dear Lord that He has given you this husband to lean on.   Then see how God uses your kindness to make a capable man out of your husband ­ the man God intended him to be.   In this situation, the behaviour of the wife is consequential.   Encourage and praise him; this will unleash his power and bring out his best.   In many ways, the wife’s behaviour is the key to bringing out the best in him.   If you discourage him, he will either shrivel up or take to something else, like drinking, working late, spending time in pubs or clubs, or turning to another woman.   Both partners will shrivel up in the process and become losers.

 

All humans are NEED BASED creatures; our very existence revolves around needs, whether it is the need for food, clothing, shelter, expression, receiving, thinking, religion, love etc.   Just as God planned that the husband should fulfil his wife’s NEEDS, He also intended that the wife submits to the husband’s NEEDS.   Just as the God-given nature of a wife is to depend, the internal urge of a husband is to take control.   Regardless of what he may say or how he behaves, he intensely resents it if the wife resorts to any tactics or attempts to manipulate him.   Furthermore, as a head, man must get recognition and respect, and it is precisely with this recognition that God expects the wife to provide for him.

 

EPHESIANS 5:33

33 “NEVERTHELESS LET EACH ONE OF YOU IN PARTICULAR SO LOVE HIS OWN WIFE AS HIMSELF, AND LET THE WIFE SEE THAT SHE RESPECTS HER HUSBAND, SO GIVE HIM THE RECOGNITION AND RESPECT THAT HE NEEDS AS A LEADER.”

 

Life in today’s competitive world is not easy.   The husband must often face frustrations, discouragements and setbacks.   Others criticize him or blame him.   He needs someone to encourage him, appreciate him, and have faith and respect in him.   That is the reason why God gave him a wife.   He will be able to take on a lot more hardships if he knows that he has a wife, who stands by him, admires him and trusts him regardless of whatever happens.

 

On the other hand, if he receives the same treatment that he gets in the working world, he will seek some method of escape, which will bring unhappiness to all concerned.   You will be surprised how a little admiration, encouragement, and a friendly smile will draw him home like a bear that smells honey.

 

Of course, obedience to do or be submissive to Sin or sinful things is not what God meant when He commanded that a wife be obedient to her husband. And the words ‘in all things do not apply to Sin.   The Holy Scripture is clear about this point.

ACTS 15:29

29 “THAT YOU ABSTAIN FROM THINGS OFFERED TO IDOLS, FROM BLOOD, FROM THINGS STRANGLED AND FROM SEXUAL IMMORALITY.   IF YOU KEEP YOURSELF FROM THESE THINGS, YOU WILL DO WELL, FARE WELL.”

The guideline is to submit to the LORD in all cases of doubt.   IF THE IDEA WE SUBMIT TO GOD IS CORRECT, THEN SUBMISSION TO THE HUSBAND IS IN ORDER.

Proper submission is not a matter of loss of individuality or personality, as people often mistake it to be. Instead, it is a challenge to bring out the best in the other half of ONES OWN SELF ­ (Jesus said, and the two shall become one flesh.)

 

It is necessary to die to our pride and destroy all selfish motives. Therefore, the prayer should be, “O God, give me a simple and unselfish attitude to be led by my husband the way you want it. So that I bring honour to your name.”

 

In PETER 3:3, we have already read what the Holy Scripture says about how a Christian wife should make herself beautiful.   If you follow this advice, you will save yourself considerable expenses.   St. Peter says beauty is not dependent on external things like hairstyle, jewellery, gold, fancy clothing etc.   But instead on the heart and character.   On the other hand, he certainly did not mean that a Christian wife should be slovenly or careless about her appearance; he wanted to convey that true beauty is more than the thickness of the skin or the threads that cover it.

 

Women should know this.   Some women think God gave them husbands to buy them everything their heart desires.   Some drive the husbands to make more and more money to buy more clothing, jewellery, furniture, more holidays and more luxuries of every sort, more cash for hairstyles and visits to beauty parlours.

 

Their social status and their beauty will only impress other people in particular.   She uses her husband to satisfy her vanity and is greedy for material things.   This kind of wife will either destroy her husband or drive him to some other person who loves him for what he is.

 

A characteristic that never goes out of fashion is:

1 PETER. 3:4

4 “.  .  .   A GENTLE AND QUITE SPIRIT, WHICH IS VERY PRECIOUS IN THE EYES OF THE LORD.”  

This characteristic is absent in many wives ­ Even Christian wives. Instead, we encounter moodiness, irritability, nagging, grumbling, and accusations in their place.

 

­   Hardly any of these things are praise-worthy properties for a Christian wife.   Maybe one or the other will say, but in the last chapter, you wrote that these behavioural patterns have something to do with the female’s physical makeup, especially regarding emotional weakness and moodiness.   Yes, that is true, but not all moodiness is related to body chemistry.   Much of the emotional weaknesses and moodiness result from ego. And the refusal to step down from the throne of our life.   It is also a result of our refusal to surrender our life to the Will of Jesus Christ.   This irritation is one of the most common complaints between husband and wife.   What they have against one another, in most cases, is because of interference caused by the partner.   It interferes with the partner’s pleasures, entertainment, comforts, conveniences or well-being.   Irritation is nothing other than sinful nature wanting to have its way. However, her less desirable behaviour does not give the husband the right to behave in any unloving or unfriendly manner when his wife is in a bad mood.   She needs sympathetic words and understanding instead of angry retorts like, “Do not be moody” or, “You should not behave like a child”.

On the other hand, the wife should not blame the husband for her bad mood and moodiness. Instead, she must assume personal responsibility for her behaviour.   She must take this up with the Lord.   She must call it what it is – a  sin.   She should confess it to God and ask Him for His mercy and strength to overcome it.   The Lord Jesus Christ will then produce His Graciousness and sweetness in her.

Of course, life for a woman is demanding.   The pressure of home-keeping and looking after children can quickly become a monotonous routine.   She goes through the work motions but feels she has not contributed anything meaningful to life.   The constant confinement within the four walls of her house and the uninterrupted backdrop of children’s chatter threatens to distract her all the time.   But if she allows this attitude to linger, it will soon bring gloom to the whole household, and everyone will suffer.   A cheerful atmosphere at home depends to a large extent on the wife.   If she commits herself to God, the Holy Spirit will give her a warm radiance, and life will become an exciting challenge instead of an exasperating chore.

Some wives are so busy with activities outside the house that they do not have their God-given tasks before their eyes.   Their first duty is towards the husband and the household.   Doing this God-given task well takes serious thought, careful planning and selfless attention.   The dividends are rich, and the personal satisfaction and rewards are well worth the effort.

 

In PROVERBS 31:10-31, we read,

WISE WOMAN

10   WHO CAN FIND A VIRTUOUS WIFE? FOR HER WORTH IS FAR ABOVE RUBIES.

11   THE HEART OF HER HUSBAND SAFELY TRUSTS HER, SO HE WILL HAVE NO LACK OF GAIN.

12   SHE DOES HIM GOOD AND NOT EVIL ALL THE DAYS OF HER LIFE.

13   SHE SEEKS WOOL AND FLAX, AND WILLINGLY WORKS WITH HER HANDS.

14   SHE IS LIKE THE MERCHANT SHIPS, SHE BRINGS HER FOOD FROM AFAR.

15   SHE ALSO RISES WHILE IT IS YET NIGHT, AND PROVIDES FOOD FOR HER HOUSEHOLD, AND A PORTION FOR HER MAIDSERVANTS.

16   SHE CONSIDERS A FIELD AND BUYS IT; FROM HER PROFITS SHE PLANTS A VINEYARD.

17   SHE GIRDS HERSELF WITH STRENGTH, AND STRENGTHENS HER ARMS.

18   SHE PERCEIVES THAT HER MERCHANDISE IS GOOD, AND HER LAMP DOES NOT GO OUT BY NIGHT.

19   SHE STRETCHES OUT HER HANDS TO THE DISTAFF, AND HER HAND HOLDS THE SPINDLE.

20   SHE EXTENDS HER HAND TO THE POOR, YES; SHE REACHES OUT HER HANDS TO THE NEEDY.

21   SHE IS NOT AFRAID OF SNOW FOR HER HOUSEHOLD, FOR ALL HER HOUSEHOLD IS CLOTHED WITH SCARLET.

22   SHE MAKES TAPESTRY FOR HERSELF; HER CLOTHING IS FINE LINEN AND PURPLE.

23   HER HUSBAND IS KNOWN IN THE GATES, WHEN HE SITS AMONG THE ELDERS OF THE LAND.

24   SHE MAKES LINEN GARMENTS AND SELLS THEM, AND SUPPLIES SASHES FOR THE MERCHANTS.

25   STRENGTH AND HONOR ARE HER CLOTHING, SHE SHALL REJOICE IN TIME TO COME.

26   SHE OPENS HER MOUTH WITH WISDOM, AND ON HER TONGUE IS THE LAW OF KINDNESS.

27   SHE WATCHES OVER THE WAYS OF HER HOUSEHOLD, AND DOES NOT EAT THE BREAD OF IDLENESS.

28   HER CHILDREN RISE UP AND CALL HER BLESSED, HER HUSBAND ALSO, AND HE PRAISES HER:

29, MANY DAUGHTERS HAVE DONE WELL, BUT YOU EXCEL THEM ALL.

30   CHARM IS DECEITFUL AND BEAUTY IS VAIN, BUT A WOMAN WHO FEARS THE LORD, SHE SHALL BE PRAISED.

31   GIVE HER OF THE FRUIT OF HER HANDS, AND LET HER OWN WORKS PRAISE HER IN THE GATES.

 

 

PROVERBS 18:22

22 “HE WHO FINDS A WIFE FINDS A GOOD THING, AND OBTAINS FAVOR FROM THE LORD.”

 

A word of caution to the husbands:   It is easy to speak about the spouse’s faults instead of seeking God’s help and guidance towards overcoming our shortcomings.   The purpose of this chapter is not to give the husband something in his hand so that they can wave it in front of the wife’s face; this chapter is to help the wives orient themselves toward the Holy Scriptures.   Each one must examine their ways and enlighten them in the light of God’s teaching.   The Holy Spirit will perform His divine work in the spouse.

Early in this book, I mentioned that I read a lot of related topics because it was the only thing I could and could do until our marriage healed.   At this point in the book, I would like to mention two meaningful articles:

 

THE GENTLE ART OF CARING

By Muriel Anderson.

And

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND

By Cynthia Lindsay

 

These two articles are exceptionally well written, with an elegance that is hard to equal. It would be a shame to try and transcribe the idea because the article has wit, charm, and effervescence; we do not want to lose that. It would be like trying to write Shakespeare’s work in our words. Writers may not miss the meaning in their writing, but something in the flavour would not be the same. Ladies can put things across in a lovely way for another lady to read. A man has written this book with different word dynamics, so the writing of these two ladies could be quite refreshing. Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, I could not locate the authors, so I cannot approach them for permission to include their work. Nevertheless, their work will bring meaning and cheer to even more people.

Who knows, maybe one day our paths will cross, and I will have the honour and privilege to thank them in person or perhaps their family member.

 

Briefly:

Muriel Anderson’s article, THE GENTLE ART OF CARING, is about caring as seen through the eyes of a child.   An adult has written this article, but it has captured the exquisite charm of childhood.   Childhood memories and impressions are ‘Treasures’.   We should try to give each child something extraordinary they will cherish.   Some of the greatest treasures that we give them are the small goodness of leaving our work and looking at their first discoveries and accomplishments.   It is these ‘small’ things that are so ‘BIG’ to them and will make their tomorrow lighter.   The fragrance of these childhood memories will help them to weather many future storms in their life.

 

Cynthia Lindsay’s article WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND is in a different style. It is very witty and charming and yet embodies an enormous amount of unique wisdom which will help a wife in her relationship with her husband.

 

Let us face facts squarely; men do not read books on how to please a wife. They do not even think that they lack any knowledge on this subject. They go one step further. They sincerely believe there is nothing worthwhile to learn about this subject. Of course, in an academic sense, they will agree that people can structure things hypothetically.   For a real reason, however, they assign any handy word that comes to mind on the spur of the incident, the list is long, but a few sayings may sound like this:

  • Who knows
  • Is there any point
  • It is about luck
  • These kinds of things happen
  • Is something wrong?
  • Is this about me?
  • My wife is no different.
  • Some Fuzzy logic
  • No logic
  • Forget it
  • Have you tried flowers?
  • Do you think perfume will work?

 

If this kind of thinking is widespread among the male species, there is a good chance that a woman has somehow married an average man. There is a wide variety of men with diverse variations of irks and quirks. All have their unique behavioural patterns.   The efforts to find a man without irks and quirks can easily lead to many years of expectant search. The few well-known ones dress in white, with wings and a halo. I think their address has the word “Heaven” somewhere in it.

 

For those ladies, who get just the standard male variety, some good writings like WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR HUSBAND will bring both knowledge and good cheer. If you sincerely follow the article, the husband may brag behind your back.   You may earn the distinction of being regarded as “Super Smart”. This comment goes far beyond the intellect; he considers you a “Super Sweet Heart” in his heart. However, you must understand that he is a mere man; you must read between the words.   He does not want to sound mushy (other men may be listening), and the book of “romantic words” was cultivated on a different planet.   I agree; life is rough around the edges when deficiencies are in one’s husband.

 

The years of daydreaming, searching, and wishful thinking only yielded a less-than-perfect find.   This lack of results is problematic.

 

However, one thing is obvious:  If you are willing to understand this less-than-perfect species, you can genuinely be his “Super Sweetheart”.   He will radiate it in a way which is far beyond his efforts.   The people in his work spot will see it.   Women on all levels, in all departments WILL – NOTICE – IT.   If he is in a meeting, it will not be his subject matter, like that invisible radiation, attracting winning cooperation. People will want him, even if details are still in process. People, both men and women, on all levels, in all departments will “desire” to meet and know “The wife who is behind the man”.    Women will comparatively try and measure what you do so well.    People genuinely admire a GOOD WIFE. Nothing can overtake it – not old age, not sickness, not money or the lack of it, definitely not the possession of fancy things,

 

PROVERBS 31:23, 

23  HER HUSBAND IS KNOWN IN THE GATES, WHEN HE SITS AMONG THE ELDERS OF THE LAND.

 

The word ‘Gates’ in olden days biblical language does not mean a door like it does today. We come across the term ‘Gates’ in the story of Lot in the Book of Genesis. It would be the equivalent of a Mayor’s Office by today’s standards. Anything that happens in the city or town must occur under the authority of the Mayor and his council.

 

A nondescript man can easily be transformed into something “Super” by a good wife.

 

Here is a simple yet true story about ANDREW JOHNSON – the 17th President of the United States, and ELIZA, his inspirational wife.

On 29 Dec. 1808, a child named Andrew Johnson was born in North Carolina. At age three, his father died; At age ten, he became an apprentice to a tailor.   He never attended any school.   Andrew met and married a lady by the name of Eliza McCardle.   Andrew credited Eliza with teaching him to read and write.   Documentaries put it very simply, “She supported her husband”.   It was precisely this man with a very humble childhood, without school education of any type, learning to read and write from an equally ordinary wife, that went on to become the 17th President of the United States.   Under this man’s presidency, the US bought Alaska from the Russian Government in 1867.   This Andrew Johnson passed the payment to pay US$ 7.2 million for Alaska. That would equal approximately US$ 95,750,000 by the 2005 inflation rate.

 

So, the question is: what made this man, of humble beginning, make decisions worth millions in his time?   What made this uneducated man sit among the “Giants” of the educated world and be their President?   Somewhere among all, there was, was a simple Lady by the name of Eliza McCardle Johnson, his wife.   Apart from some reading and writing and teaching her husband to read and write (among the day-to-day chores) was just one thing: she believed God gave her a good man. It is an elementary doctrine; it has only eight words in the sentence. And there is only one sentence.

Love makes very great things possible. GOD IS LOVE. Every wife who genuinely seeks to make God a part of her marriage wins.   Humour, wit and good cheer delight everyone, including those who read or see them.   You repeatedly see this good cheer in church, at a mall, and everyday situations. And you say to yourself, “it would be nice to know them”. This quality of affection is very exuberating.   Scripture also puts it like this:

 

PROV. 18:22

22 HE WHO FINDS A WIFE FINDS A GOOD THING, AND OBTAINS FAVOR FROM THE LORD.

 

The trick is not that Eliza just happened to stumble on a fancy slogan- like, she believed God gave her a good man. If things were that simple, we could quickly provide every woman with the recipe for a successful marriage.

—

Every genuine woman starts by believing that God gave her a wonderful man. She does believe that God has answered the “Searching of her heart”.

Well, – – – then what happened???

The devil plants trouble. The trouble has all kinds of disguises; sometimes it looks like money or the lack of it, the in-laws, the job or the lack of it, and so many other causes. The deception gets aggravated and lands into an adverse scenario involving Money OR Lack of it, Success OR the lack of it.   The devil’s tricks of wiles are many, malicious and very persistent.

The skill is to believe with all your heart that God gave you a good man. – That God loves you and did not give you some trash.  

 

You probably have many uphill struggles at face value, and the man may have all kinds of defects. You feel like screaming to the Lord: “Take this thorn out of my flesh”. Strangely, Three times St. Paul asked the Lord to “Take this thorn out of my flesh”.

 

And the Lord replied to him —-

2 Co 12:9

“MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR YOU, FOR MY STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS”.

President Andrew Johnson did not tell historians to write about his accomplishments and how far-sighted his decision to buy Alaska was. Instead, the Historian researched those facts and made it public knowledge for people like you and me to read decades and maybe centuries later. All Andrew said, if people should ever write about him later, was: “I credit my wife for teaching me to read and write”. 

It is these few words that have eclipsed the grandeurs of everything else. The Gold Rush was pale by comparison; The black Gold known as Oil did not equal it. Even the plain and simple fact that Alaska’s GNP in 1998 was 6737 billion dollars DID NOT move hearts as much as: “I credit my wife for teaching me to read and write”.  – These are the words from the man who sat among “Giants” of the educated world and was their President!

 

It was just one line of acknowledgement to a lady: “She believed God gave her a good man”. Did it say much?

 

Well, – – – I am from halfway around the world, born decades later, and not a US citizen, yet paying respect to two people. – I am not paying respect to a President or a First Lady but to two inspiring people. And to people whose inspiration transcends all political boundaries. Like so many others, they are the true treasures of Human Beings everywhere.

God Bless You.