10 – MATURITY – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 10 – MATURITY

Marriage Counselors know that one of the main obstacles to a successful marriage is:

‘SELFISHNESS’

Selfish means an excessive concern for one’s interest, welfare and pleasures with little regard for others.   Babies are notoriously selfish. When they are uncomfortable or want something, they scream until someone relieves them of their discomfort.   Their behaviour is proportional to their experience of “how well” and “with whom” they can get their way.   Their sole aim is, “How can I get my way.” Babies are not bad because of this tendency; they are only immature.   They are immature because their outlook has not yet enlarged beyond themselves to take the concern of others (more into account).   We all expect that as time goes on, they will grow up in the following ways:

 

A) PHYSICALLY,

 

B) INTELLECTUALLY,

 

C) EMOTIONALLY and

 

D) SPIRITUALLY.

 

We often encounter physically and intellectually mature people who lag emotionally. This lagging behind is because they have not fully grown out of their egocentric state to be able to consider others as much as they should.

 

Let us pause for a moment and think:

A) Our Physical path to maturity goes on regardless of our conscious efforts,

 

B) Our Intellectual path to maturity is geared up by society with its formal social structures. These structures create an atmosphere to facilitate intellectual maturity. It starts from toys, kindergartens, schools, colleges, universities, and later in the working world.   There are ample opportunities and incentives to keep on maturing intellectually.

 

C) Our Emotional path. Society influences maturity through various structures like home, religion, customs, rituals, law, etc. These structures create norms for our emotional lifestyle, but the learning process is less formal.   We had to rely more on experimental acquisition.   Like the baby, we tend to advance with our experiences.   We evaluate and act based on how well and with whom we can get our way.   Suppose an environment brings us into interaction with many different people, views, ideas, teachings, customs, and cultures. In that case, we have more opportunities to advance our experimental acquisition and, thus, our emotional maturity.   Emotional maturity is where the home and parent’s guidance play a big part in a person’s formative years.   The process of learning goes on because of the many experiences we have.   Our marriage, as well as the marriage of others, is an experience.   We often shake our heads, wondering how a particular couple could go apart.   We are baffled that they seem to have everything anybody could want. They may be both young, good-looking, healthy, educated, have good jobs, be financially well off, and have a variety of successes in adequate measure.   We are surprised because they make good and sensible conversation.   They are sympathetic and good-hearted.   Their advice to others with the same problem is clear, logical, peaceful, compassionate, and honestly upright.   If a couple has all these positive attributes, how then is it possible that this couple can have a marriage problem?

 

Sometimes, we hear statements like, “But this couple has helped so many marriages back on the road to progress.   Their reasoning and value standards have been effective. So why do they not apply the same logic in their marriage?” Unfortunately, the answer to this question often appears: “They seem to have one set of reasoning when dealing with other people’s marriage and different value standards and reasoning for their marriage.”

 

Is such a thing as double standards possible among people?

 

Yes, absolutely. Indeed, people often assume more than one value standard and adopt more than one standard of reasoning because they have one set of standards for others and another for themselves.

The reasoning is:

For others, – when it concerns the other person’s emotions. Their standards follow intellectual reasoning

 

On the other hand, when it involves their affairs, their philosophical logic is interwoven with their emotions and feelings.   This interweaving gives rise to different value standards and reasoning.   Theoretically, their SENSE AND FEELINGS proportion can range between 1% to 99% either way. Moreover, the ratios are ever changeful.   Every fresh impact or influence can bring a new level of change.

 

We can take it as: “With others, it is a case of more intellect and fewer emotions, whereas, for self, it is a case of more emotions and less intellect.” Therefore, marital difficulty is not a question of how little intellect is but rather how much maturity.  

 

What complicates the situation is that people often use intellectual refinements to defend, support, and even preserve their emotional immaturity.

 

When emotionally immature people do not get their way, they react like children.

 

They may resort to:

  • Emotionally immature people resort to Crying, self-pity, outbursts of anger, throwing objects, and preventing the spouse’s access to the children.

 

  • Sometimes they take an altogether different route; they try to attract the attention of others to themselves by boasting about their achievements.

 

  • The moment they receive any adverse reaction to their self-praise, they switch to the alternative tactic of criticizing.

 

  • Criticizing is a disguised way to assert that I am better. The person means to say they are better even though they do not say it in a clear text ­ It is a unique way to put the other person on a lower rung.

 

It is imaginable that the level of criticism is directly proportional to the mental ability or the state of the person criticizing.   But the question is:

 

What does the person want to achieve?

–    A solution to the problem? (That would be Productive)

 

–    Or to defend the emotional immaturity? (That would be Un-productive)

 

If we allow the babies to remain together, we can be sure that they will quickly get into problems among themselves. In the same way, when one person (with emotions) comes together in marriage with another person (with feelings), they will quickly find themselves in a marriage conflict. So, from an emotional point of view, babies cannot make good marriage partners. Protracting this same thinking, MATURITY is essential for a stable and prosperous marriage. And maturity is UNSELFISHNESS.

 

Of course, no one is unselfish. But, regardless of who we are, there is at least some immaturity in every one of us.   Someone once said, “Scratch an adult, and you will find the child.” Another put it this way, “The difference between a man and a boy is just the cost of the toys.”

 

Since no one is perfect, maturity is a relative rather than an absolute term.   Apart from this imperfection, maturity is a process rather than a fixed state.

 

  1. D) Our Spiritual Path is another dimension of the maturity process. That dimension is SPIRITUAL MATURITY. When a person makes Jesus Christ his personal Savior, the Holy Spirit brings an additional dimension.

GALATIANS 5:22-23

22 BUT THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT IS LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS,

23 GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL. AGAINST SUCH THERE IS NO LAW.

 

As a list:

  1. LOVE,
  1. JOY,
  1. PEACE,
  1. LONGSUFFERING,
  1. KINDNESS,
  1. GOODNESS,
  1. FAITHFULNESS,
  1. GENTLENESS,
  1. SELF-CONTROL.

In maturing, we must make solid efforts to keep constantly at it. Otherwise, we can backslide.

We describe these fruits of the Holy Spirit as SPIRITUAL MATURITY instead of emotional maturity. They are similar, but it causes a growing relationship to interweave with God, including one’s thinking and feeling.   The mechanics of the review remains the same.   Only the orientation in the thinking process has shifted from “I, Me, Myself” to God and God’s Will.

 

People who try to do well and resolve their relationship conflicts find that their efforts backfire and get confused.   Let us try and explore the reasons:

  1. These people may not know the Scriptures.

 

  1. They have not reflected on the Scriptures.

 

  1. They take in the Scripture verses in “One big Gulp”, not realizing that there are individual articles and specific solutions to each chapter.

 

Let us, for instance, consider the following text:

In LUKE 6:27, we read what Jesus says:

“BUT I SAY TO YOU WHO HEAR:

 

­ LOVE YOUR ENEMIES                                             (Situation 1)

 

­ DO GOOD TO THOSE WHO HATE YOU                 (Situation 2)

 

­ BLESS THOSE WHO CURSE YOU                          (Situation 3)

 

­ PRAY FOR THOSE WHO SPITEFULLY USE YOU  (Situation 4)

 

The text mentions four specific kinds of interpersonal dealings with four solutions. But unfortunately, people often mix up the solutions.

Let us look at four examples:

Example 1

In India, people speak many different languages.   The older generations may not speak English even though their children may be fluent in English.   Two neighbours had a grudge over some ancient dispute. One day the neighbour’s father died.   The person next door went to the neighbour’s house and paid his condolences to the deceased man’s wife.   He could not speak her language, and she could not speak English.   Since words have little meaning, the man just came to the lady, touched her hand, and said nothing.   Body language was all the communication.   He showed respect and concern for her loss, and she cried.   She cried not only for her loss but also for consolation that there was no ill feeling against her husband.   Even though there were no words, this visit was still an act of love toward her husband. That is PEACE.   The word got around to all her children. Most of her family was absent at the visit, but the news still got to them.   A total burial of the ancient grudge took place.   Before the incident, there was hostility.   It took an act of LOVE to break the constraints of ENMITY.   Love your enemies!

 

Example 2

A fine example of this is in the Bible as the story of the Good Samaritan.

LUKE 10: 30-37.   The story narrates how a Samaritan helped a Jew.   The Jews of those days did not like to have anything to do with the Samaritans.   It was a form of hatred that kept them apart. The social structures of that time encouraged this form of hatred.   The Samaritan acted charitably to someone despite the impersonal tribal hatred.   The hatred, in this case, may not have been personal because they did not know each other.   It was a general hatred – cultivated by society.

Let us read the incident:

LUKE 10: 30-37

30 THEN JESUS ANSWERED AND SAID: “A CERTAIN MAN WENT DOWN FROM JERUSALEM TO JERICHO, AND FELL AMONG THIEVES, WHO STRIPPED HIM OF HIS CLOTHING, WOUNDED HIM, AND DEPARTED, LEAVING HIM HALF DEAD.

31 NOW BY CHANCE A CERTAIN PRIEST CAME DOWN THAT ROAD. AND WHEN HE SAW HIM, HE PASSED BY ON THE OTHER SIDE.

32 LIKEWISE A LEVITE, WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE PLACE, CAME AND LOOKED, AND PASSED BY ON THE OTHER SIDE.

33 BUT A CERTAIN SAMARITAN, AS HE JOURNEYED, CAME WHERE HE WAS. AND WHEN HE SAW HIM, HE HAD COMPASSION.

34 SO HE WENT TO HIM AND BANDAGED HIS WOUNDS, POURING ON OIL AND WINE; AND HE SET HIM ON HIS OWN ANIMAL, BROUGHT HIM TO AN INN, AND TOOK CARE OF HIM.

35 ON THE NEXT DAY, WHEN HE DEPARTED, HE TOOK OUT TWO DENARII, GAVE THEM TO THE INNKEEPER, AND SAID TO HIM, ‘TAKE CARE OF HIM; AND WHATEVER MORE YOU SPEND, WHEN I COME AGAIN, I WILL REPAY YOU.’

36 SO WHICH OF THESE THREE DO YOU THINK WAS NEIGHBOR TO HIM WHO FELL AMONG THE THIEVES?”

37 AND HE SAID, “HE WHO SHOWED MERCY ON HIM.”

THEN JESUS SAID TO HIM, “GO AND DO LIKEWISE.”

 

Example 3

Sadly, the tendency to curse people has many forms.   One form looks like this: People swear at others because they have a different religion or colour, come from a different region, etc.   They are shunned or discriminated against because they have nothing to do with other groups of people.   People curse other people because of their background rather than their deeds.   History books and news media are full of this problem.   This form of swearing is general to groups of people.

 

Another form is specific between smaller groups, like two people.   For example, People sometimes abuse each other and call other names.   They even go further to wish the other person harm and misfortune.   Many times, they WISH people harm secretly.   They are sweet but desire harm to the specific person in their heart.

 

If people are the recipients of other people’s curses, regardless of whether the emotion is open or secretly, there may or not be a point in clarifying the matter. The other person could deny the fact and make the victim look foolish.   In such cases, bless them.   Knowing that a curse without cause will not cause harm is comforting. The Bible says:

PROVERBS 26:2

2 “LIKE A SPARROW IN ITS FLIRTING, LIKE A SWALLOW IN ITS FLYING, SO A CURSE WITHOUT CAUSE DOES NOT ALIGHT.”   

 

By way of an IMPORTANT remark: Cursing is harmful because it binds the person cursing to the cursed person.   For example, a person swears someone who has caused him harm.   The person who curses the other person binds themselves to that person by cursing that person.   While it wishes the other person harm and misfortune, the effect is that regardless of whether damage or trouble occurs to the other person, the cursor befalls the same intensity as the curse wish.   

 

These people think they are getting revenge.   They believe a “payback” will happen to the other person with no ongoing price to themselves.   The fact, however, is that they are reaping a continuing cost to themselves.

 

In the context of marriage, this form of human failing is much more prevalent than we would like to admit, even to ourselves. It takes the form of cursing our spouses, cursing their marriage.   We substantiate it with arguments like, “This marriage has brought me misery.” “I have this curse (the spouse) around my neck.” Etc.   There is no way to improve marriage by cursing the spouse, the marriage, God, or the in-laws.   Marriage can only win by blessing the spouse continuously, praying for the spouse, wishing the spouse well, asking God to help the spouse, and praying to God to make you a more loving spouse to the person God has given you as husband or wife.   Praying for the spouse is what turns broken marriages into successful reunions.   Praying for the spouse is how unions remain happy.   THIS ‘SPIRITUAL REFLEX’ OF BLESSING THE SPOUSE IS WHAT LEAVES A LASTING LEGACY IN OUR CHILDREN’S MARRIAGE.

 

Example 4

Let us take an example; for the sake of illustration, we will call the main character Miss.   Office.

Miss Office is a secretary. Her boss constantly gives her lousy jobs, makes her work late, and finds unnecessary faults to make her feel guilty.   So, she works more because Miss Office needs the job. What can she do?

She obviously cannot love her boss because this will not be correct.   In this situation, her boss will exploit LOVE YOUR ENEMIES.   He will use her admirable attempts as a license to fully use her as a “doormat”. So, she may try to do good instead. To her surprise, her boss dumps her with still more work and pulls her up even more frequently.   Her colleagues begin to think she is desperately trying to “Apple Shine” the boss, and the colleagues gradually resent her.   This kind of resentment is a mild form of hate.

Poor Miss Office is confused.   Miss Office should have asked herself, what is happening between my boss and me? ­ Is it hate? Is he an enemy? Is he cursing me, or is he spitefully using me?” It should become evident that she is a victim of Spiteful usage and that the Biblical Solution is PRAY.   Instead, in her generous nature, she used the wrong formula of doing good and made two problems out of one.   On one side, her boss spitefully uses her as an escape valve to let out steam and frustration; on the other side, she reaps the resentment of her colleagues.

 

Spiritual maturity grows when the Holy Spirit act in our lives.   The more we submit to Him, the more effectively He will operate.   We will then be more capable of building a better marriage. In this particular situation, the solution is PRAY.  ­ PRAY FOR THOSE WHO SPITEFULLY USE YOU  (Situation 4)

 

Be informed:  PRAY FOR THOSE WHO SPITEFULLY USE YOU  dose not show instantaneous results. Instead, it slowly but surely makes the offender see how wrong they were, and they correct from inside themselves. Once they grasp the truth, they will go out of their way to make amends.

 

LET US EXAMINE THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERISTICS   OF MATURITY:

 

1          A mature person accepts himself as God made him. Therefore, he is neither annoyed about his shortcomings nor puffed up by his strengths. On the contrary, he knows his strengths and takes them with all humility.

He also acknowledges that God made him for God’s purpose.

 

PSALM. 139: 13-16

13 “FOR YOU HAVE FORMED MY INWARD PARTS, YOU HAVE COVERED ME IN MY MOTHER’S WOMB.  

14  I WILL PRAISE YOU, FOR I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE, MARVELOUS ARE YOUR WORKS.   AND THAT MY SOUL KNOWS VERY WELL.  

15  MY FRAME WAS NOT HIDDEN FROM YOU, WHEN I WAS MADE IN SECRET.   AND SKILLFULLY WROUGHT IN THE LOWEST PARTS OF THE EARTH,

16  YOUR EYES SAW MY SUBSTANCE, BEING YET UNFORMED.   AND IN YOUR BOOK THEY ALL WERE WRITTEN.   THE DAYS FASHIONED FOR ME, WHERE AS YET THERE WERE NONE OF THEM.”

 

  1. A mature person learns and profits from his mistakes and the suggestions of others. Immature people, on the other hand, seek excuses for their mistakes.   They blame others, including God.   They take it as a personal attack and react with anger and defence when criticized.   On the other hand, a mature person takes it as part of God’s plan to mature him more when you are at the end of trials, hardships, rebukes, corrections, etc.   This evolving process develops an outlook and attitude which helps us take the stand: “Thank you for your suggestion.   With God’s Help, I will try to correct or overcome this fault.”

 

When you are at the ‘giving end of a suggestion, again, we must be attentive to finding:

  1. The right time,

 

  1. The right place,

 

  1. The correct disposition of the other person. In addition, we must have sincere concern and appreciation for what the other person is going through.   Encouragement in words and deeds is necessary if the suggestion is to have an effect.   An honest and well-meant critic can only be a kind of a direction pointer or orientation, but this alone will not help. One must take steps in the following directions:

 

‘ENCOURAGEMENT’

Encouragement is the motivation factor that gives the other person why they should continue going through hardship, trials, and difficulties. Encouragement is the key that unlocks inner strengths; Encouragement is the fuel to sustain one’s will to carry on through the rough patches on the road of life.

 

A mature person recognizes that his ‘I’m better than you’ attitude only adds more strain on the partner, especially when the other’s ego is sagging.   We must also be aware that the strongest and stiffest critic is often the one from within oneself.   It stands to reason that one knows more about oneself.   So, therefore they feel their faults, shortcomings, and frustrations more acutely than anyone else.   People who suffer from this need even more encouragement.   These people are sorry not because there are not enough critics from outside or inside but because they cannot honestly encourage themselves.   It is for this reason that one must be lavish with encouragement.    Encouragement is something that a person may never forget.   It is not rare that when a great crisis occurs in one’s life, the person suffering will remember some kind person who consoled and encouraged him ­, sometimes even many years earlier.   They will try to reach this person again.    Their trust and gratitude will move them to travel, ring up or write.   They will try, at least in their mind, to climb over all obstacles to reach the person.   The rewards of encouragement are very personal and heartfelt.   No amount of money, power or fame can win, buy, or rival this interpersonal bond. Sincere gratitude is the recognition that only encouragement can bring.   Age, status, and intelligence do not hamper encouragement.   There are cases where young children have, through their childlike ways and reasoning, helped older people to accept themselves.

 

3          A mature person accepts the things he cannot change. For example, a practical prayer goes like this:

 

“Dear God, kindly give the strength to change what can be changed.   The grace to accept what is unchangeable.   And the Wisdom to tell the difference between the two.”

 

Even though most married couples love one another, they find some imperfection in their partner almost unbearable. Flaws are why they engage themselves in constantly trying to alter their partner. However, the small irrational habits seem to drive the partner nuts.   In the process, they lose sight of the many beautiful characteristics that they find attractive in each other and the factors that brought them together in the first place.   The result is bitterness.   It destroys not only the marriage but also the individual personalities simultaneously.

 

Flaw finding is childish and sinful.

 

EPHESIANS. 4:31-32

31 “LET ALL BITTERNESS, WRATH, ANGER, CLAMOR AND EVIL SPEAKING BE PUT AWAY FROM YOU, WITH ALL MALICE.  

32  AND BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER, TENDER HEARTED, FORGIVING ONE ANOTHER, JUST AS GOD IN CHRIST ALSO FORGAVE YOU.   ONE OF THE FRUITS OF THE HOLY SPIRIT IS, ‘LONG SUFFERING.”

 

Some people who cannot accept reality escape into a world of wishes and make-beliefs.   As soon as they realize they have not married an object of worldly fame or a film star, they withdraw into a dream world.   With this, they suppress every chance to improve the relationship.   Spiritually mature people find more profound contentment in the Lord and are better disposed to accept the Real World and the people in their lives.   They can see them as part of God’s plan in their life.   They take it as a part of God’s way towards furthering their maturing process.

 

4          A mature person accepts discomfort, disappointments or sorrows with peace and stability.   He can realize that his life is in God’s hands.   He knows that everything that God allows is purposeful and good.

 

PSALM 18:30

30 “AS FOR GOD, HIS WAY IS PERFECT, THE WORD OF THE LORD IS PROVEN, HE IS A SHIELD TO ALL WHO TRUST IN HIM.”   

 

Therefore, a mature person does not lose his countenance or self-control.

When we speak of discomfort, disappointments, and sorrow, it is not the significant incidences, the one time, or the rare situations that break a person down. Instead, the many minor problems drive one to a breaking point.   Solomon must have known this when he wrote the following:

 

PROVERBS. 17:1,

1 “BETTER IS A DAY MORSEL WITH QUIETNESS. THAN A HOUSE FULL OF FEASTING WITH STRIFE.”

 

PROVERBS. 21:19

19 “IT IS BETTER TO DWELL IN THE WILDERNESS. THAN WITH A CONTENTIOUS AND ANGRY WOMAN.”

 

 

PROVERBS. 19:13

13 “A FOOLISH SON IS THE RUIN OF HIS FATHER, AND THE CONTENTIONS OF A WIFE ARE A CONTINUAL DRIPPING.”

 

The continual dripping of water was a form of torture.   It is certainly not a flattering

similarity, but irrational behaviour can quickly become a way of life and a habit pattern.   Before long, it becomes a difficult habit to break.   For this reason, we need to accept Jesus Christ as our personal Savior and receive the power of the Holy Spirit to mature us.

 

5          A mature person accepts and fulfils his responsibilities.   The opposite is unfinished work, broken promises, grumbling, job hopping, etc.

 

  1. A mature person finds his greatest contentment when he can make others happy. We will never find happiness by merely going around looking for it.   And the more we search for it, our frustration and disappointment grow. Selfishness searches only for its pleasures.   Unhappily, in the end, it brings only discontentment and dissatisfaction.   Unselfishness for the convenience of others brings rich dividends ­ this is a lesson many married couples still must learn.   When we believe in God’s power and that He can transform us into unselfish people, we can reach a stage to become “Other ­Centered.” We can live without openly or secretly expecting a favour in turn.   Once we attain this level of goodness, unbelievable contentment becomes our reward.   This contentment is abundant.

 

If you have made a mistake, – apologies. Sooner or later, the other person will respond with a favourable and renewed outlook. To humble oneself costs a lot.   In fact, at times, it costs us everything to say, “I am sorry.” But a mature person is ready to give up everything and patiently wait for the Lord.   Only babies and children demand things as soon as something crosses their minds.

 

Mature people often forego their pleasure so that they can bring happiness to others.   It is a paradox that this behaviour brings joy even to the giver.   We need time to learn this vital lesson.   It takes time because we have been living with only ourselves to care about for a long time.   When we are married, we face and experience “Other Centeredness”.   The strife and strains we are experiencing are that many of our adult thinking and behavioural patterns are firmly an entrenched part of us.   We must get out of this trench and make a new start.   We must give up old, perhaps good ways to take on more unique and better ways.   There is an unconscious need for security, so we want to hold on to something of the old familiar ways.   This security seeking is understandable. For this reason, we need the power of the Holy Spirit to make this learning process easier, faster, and better.

God Bless You.