5 – RELATIONSHIPS – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 5 – RELATIONSHIPS

The question of relationship is important because marriage is a relationship. If a marriage turns sour, it is because of a relationship problem.   Most of us know this, but most do not try and see the various distinctions or differences in a relationship.   In a marital relationship, there are four major stages, they are:

  1.  THE PSEUDO STAGE.
  2.  THE CHAOTIC STAGE.
  3.  THE TOLERATING STAGE.
  4.  THE COMMUNION STAGE.

When a marriage lasts long enough, it is a fact that all marriages will go through all four stages. So let us see what these stages are:

 

THE PSEUDO STAGE:

The Pseudo Stage is one where the partners only know something about each other’s outward life; ­they do not know about the deep feelings and thinking of the other.   Invariably they do not know much about the partner’s past either.   The Pseudo Stage is the most usual stage when the couple is courting or right early in marriage.

 

THE CHAOTIC STAGE:

The Chaotic Stage develops after sufficient knowledge has developed between the partners. The manifestations are:

  • The strains of adjustment
  • The clashes of ego
  • They vie for supremacy
  • There are difficulties in getting one’s way.

 

The chaotic stage is what usually drives people to do something.   The lucky ones find a good friend, counsellor or book leading to God and success.   The unlucky ones try all kinds of avenues and fail.   They land up unhappy or separated or divorced.

 

THE TOLERATING STAGE:

The tolerating stage is the next, although most people imagine it is before the chaotic phase. However, genuine tolerance comes after knowing how things are; the tolerance stage does not mean clenching one’s teeth and trying to bear up the differences, but rather it is a decision and an attitude. For example: To live and let live.

 

THE COMMUNION STAGE:

The next stage is to celebrate individual differences.   In this stage, genuine respect, love, concern, acceptance, adjustment, and appreciation are on knowledge and understanding.

The first two stages are straightforward, and the explanation in subsequent chapters will illuminate these two points.

The difference between the stages of tolerating and communion is by utilizing an explanation.

 

The tolerating stage has a ‘live and let live’ attitude.   For example, a wife may say, “He likes coffee, but I like tea, so we make coffee and tea to be happy.” They are generally both happy, but the fact remains that he likes his coffee and does not care for tea.   Maybe it will bother him if he must drink tea, yet he does not mind his wife drinking tea.   The wife shares the same attitude towards her husband.   Driving the point further may look like this: Whenever there is a football game, it is OK for her husband to bring the boys over to watch the game.   After the game, there will be cleaning up. She will eventually do the cleaning by herself. She knows he is too confused to have around the house.

Nevertheless, she knows her husband will feel happy.   A clever wife will use this opportunity to invite the boy’s wives over and have a good time, maybe trying out new kitchen recipes.   Even though she is good-natured enough to have a good time, her goodness lies in the fact that she is happy that her husband and his friends are having a good time.   He does not care how or who makes the food so long as they make good food for the boys.   Secretly, his happiness comes from the gratitude that he can put his head up and feel he has a good and understanding wife. Finally, he has ‘someone’ about whom to feel justly proud.   From there on, it does not matter if she knows the game’s rules or the score.

The communion stage would escalate further.   It would sound like this, “My husband loves coffee.   Whenever I come across a new brand of coffee, I buy it for him.   I do not like coffee but seeing how much he likes it gives me a thrill.” In a more elevated sense, it could be, “I do not understand the ball game, but I bring him his favourite sports magazine.” Or “I do not care for ‘Girlie-Movies’, but I pick up some when I go to the Video rental because I know it will make my wife happy.” – A much more elevated stage would be like giving her mother a ticket to visit them and have a holiday.

The successfulness gives the spouse a high thrill.

A similar token of the communion stage would be when a man can show patience when he takes his wife out to buy herself a dress.   I better not go further into this point. Because both the man and the woman know what I am getting at.   Regardless of age, this uniqueness starts early. Men, have you ever tried to take your 5-year-old daughter to buy a pair of shoes? It is a similar ordeal as if you are taking your mother to buy something.   Mastering such trials would indicate how close one is to the COMMUNION stage.

All marriages will go through these four stages; people unaware of them will likely be confused as they pass through them. But conversely, a lack of knowledge of these stages causes unnecessary disappointment.   And happiness will be a tedious uphill task.

The proper understanding of the four stages mentioned above is crucial because all marriages will go through them regardless of who the couples are.

There are many situations where a problem needs to be conquered, overcome, and improved. Once this happens, the problem will never arise again, typically, for example, Passing High school.

In Marriage relations, however, re-visit the four-stage pattern can re-appear and need to be re-conquered and improved.   Many situations will bring these stages back. A few examples could be a Mid-Life crisis, Unexpected and prolonged job loss, long health problems, or Immigration to another country during the middle or later middle career life.   Deaths or irreversible disability.   Etc.   The causes are not the same as a new couple who does not know enough about each other.   It is a case of a couple encountering pressure and strain from a unique situation.   In addition, the capability levels are no longer the same.   For example, the couple is older and more used to how they have always done things.   The ability to take risks, change, and life shocks has become less resilient.

The formation of triangles will give rise to jealousy-induced struggles. In addition, the lack of certain factors can bring about envy-induced battles.   Chapter 17, EMOTIONS, explains the formations of triangles, jealousy, and envy.

The four stages of early marriage are necessary apprenticeships for later marriage life encounters.   And these encounters will happen whether we like it or not.

God Bless You.

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