1 – INTRODUCTION – CTW-2022-E

1 – INTRODUCTION – CTW-2022-E

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Chapter 1 – AN INTRODUCTION BY THE AUTHOR

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The Title:

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

Index. Chapter

AN INTRODUCTION BY THE AUTHOR
PROLOGUE
CONFLICTS AND SURPRISES
OVERWHELMED
RELATIONSHIPS
EXPLANATIONS
TOGETHERNESS
BECOMING ONE IN MARRIAGE
IN CONFORMANCE WITH GOD’S TEACHING
MATURITY
LOVE
BIBLE AND LOVE
DIFFERENCES AND MYSTERY
FOR HUSBANDS
FOR WIVES
SUFFERING – WHAT BOTH NEED TO KNOW
EMOTIONS
COMMUNICATION
SOLVING CONFLICTS
FRIENDS
MONEY
SEX
FEAR AND THREAT
CONSTELLATION OF FACTORS
SIN
THOUGHTS, THINKING AND IMAGINATION
GUIDING CHILDREN TO THINK
ROLE PLAYS ON CONFLICTS
PRAY
EPILOGUE

By Gregory Fernandez

The text file has two charts which are not in the Audio file

BOOKS OF THE HOLY BIBLE, along with the abbreviations

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REVISIONS

First edition 2004

Second Edition 2005

Third Edition 2006

Fourth Edition 2006

Fifth Edition 2022

TYPOS

Because of the ongoing WRITING EVOLUTIONS, it would be too costly to proofread the text for every change. So, I have not used a ProofReader. I am sure there are many “typos” in this book. But this book was a mission for me. So please forgive the ‘typos’.

As a note:

Earlier, this book was titled CHALLENGED TO WIN, but later I realized another person also used this title. Still, later, I heard there was a video on another theme on TV. None of these related to my authorship, so I changed the title of my book to:

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez

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I would first like to attend to some preface points before getting into the book’s contents.

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CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez is A STUDY BOOK

People with marital concerns invariably try to understand the problem and find a solution. They are invariably trying to examine methods to solve the problem. Reading a testimony may be secondary.

Regardless this is a STUDY BOOK with a testimony. The testimony is for encouragement. WE WON OUR MARRIAGE.

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Because this is a STUDY BOOK, I have intentionally left more space between the paragraphs for people to make notes.

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When I started this book, I thought I would write a story or a testimony of how God saved my marriage.

During our separation, I read many books. Waiting and studying enabled my FAITH-finding journey. Gradually, I felt I had to write more than a story. My thoughts became a study-related mission.

Before 2022 I wrote this book conventionally like a novel and included study topics.

I have retained the order of the thirty chapters, but I am suggesting that there are two main themes, they are:

MY TESTIMONY.
STUDY TOPIC.

MY TESTIMONY chapters are 1, 2. 3, 4, and 30 – We WON.

Hopefully, these chapters encourage the readers. The encouragement and proof are: We WON OUR MARRIAGE. As of Dec 2022, we have been married for 41 years.

STUDY TOPICS chapters are all the remaining chapters. It is up to the reader to decide to read in sequence or “CHAPTER – HOP”.

At the end of this chapter is a chart that gives an optical picture of each chapter’s length. It will help you decide which chapters to read or listen to, should you choose to “CHAPTER – HOP.”

This chart is, unfortunately, not possible in the audio version.

The idea of “CHAPTER – HOP” comes from my active work life when I travelled on work projects. My travel interruptions connected with waiting on buses, trains and planes. A time when I could not do anything except wait. So I used the waiting time to study. Then, depending on how long the interruption was, I decided which topic to read and hopefully complete within the waiting time.

WRITING EVOLUTIONS

As a thought:

Earlier, the text in a book was inflexible. It was like writing in stone. But, thanks to “Today’s Technology”, books can be dynamic and updated whenever needed. Therefore, paragraph rearrangement can suit a person or a study goal.

This book went through the following WRITING EVOLUTIONS:

In 1992, I figured I should write my experiences down. It was a mission.
In 1997, when I started the book, it was word sketched in German.
Around 2000, I decided to write for a wider audience, so I revised the book to English.
Around 2001, I still wanted to maintain some part in German, so I introduced the Bible Quotations in English and German.
Around 2004, and totally by surprise, a Bishop in Vietnam, Bishop Vu Van Thien, saw my book and got his friend, Mr Hai Tran Duc, in Vietnam to translate it into Vietnamese.
Around 2012, my son, Dominic, made a website, CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez, and put the book on the web in English, German, and Vietnamese.
Around 20 May 2013, a young lady named Sabine Koenig in Germany offered to help me translate this book into German. Her willingness to help with the translation means a lot to me. Her ability to capture written English’s “Moods and Flavours” and bring her thoughts with remarkable precision into German is impressive. I never met Sabine. The Lord brings the correct people. Her workload was too much to be able to translate a whole book. Nevertheless, her kindness in trying the translation is inspiring, especially in those early days as I attempted to convey my thoughts in German. Sabine did two chapters. The translation was in the book up to 2021. In 2022, I updated the book. Despite this new text development, her kindness is always a heartfelt start and motivation. I am writing this point down because it shows how good-hearted people can be to total strangers.
In 2022, I rewrote separate English and German translations. –
The text revisions happened because of the following ideas:
Thought improvement and
The plan is to make an AUDIO version.
My plan for 2023 is complete the revised German translation.
In 2023, edit the Vietnamese translations.

God willing, I plan to do an AUDIO of the English and German versions. However, I have not set the timeline for the audio commencement.

DECISIVE REASON FOR THOUGHT REVISION:

The text has to be modified because the audio version cannot include charts and pictures. Therefore, in 2022, only four chapters had charts and photos. They are:

Chapter 1 – INTRODUCTION FROM THE AUTHOR

Chapter 6 – EXPLANATIONS

Chapter 14 – FOR HUSBANDS

Chapter 30 – THE EPILOGUE.

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My orientation is THE HOLY BIBLE.

BIBLE QUOTATIONS

The BIBLE QUOTATIONS are from the HOLY BIBLE.

Interestingly, my TEXT before 2022 contained Bible quotations in English and German. However, in 2022 I decided to write a dedicated English version and a dedicated German version.

SOURCE OF BIBLE QUOTES:

For the English version of this book, I use:

THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION. (NKJV)

The NKJV is in modern English, an update of the original KJV – King James Version. However, the NKJV retains much of the traditional interpretation and sentence structure of the KJV.

I have retained the exact wording and the original writing style found in THE NEW KING JAMES VERSION.

For the German version of this book, I use:

I translated The “NKJV” translation of the Bible verses into modern German.

Since the translation is from the NKJV, the verse numbers could differ by about two verses between the NKJV and some German Bibles.

As I mentioned, this study is Scripturally oriented.

I have repeated many Bible quotations in different chapters for on-the-spot reference.

I USE BIBLE REFERENCES BECAUSE:

I come from the World of technology and think technically. Nevertheless, I have used many Bible quotations because I am convinced:

The Bible quotes are there to UNDERSTAND and SOLVE THE PROBLEM using a Divine perspective.

On the other hand, If you want to UNDERSTAND the complications in marriage, there is also the secular text.

WRITINGS BY OTHER AUTHORS

In some places, I have included other people’s text; this text is in italics.

The text of these different authors was constructive and inspiring for me. I think their text will inspire my non-English speaking audience. Even though my translation will not equal the grandeur of those authors’ writings or their dedication, I have done my best to translate their inspiring words and let them be a blessing to others who speak another language.

I have retained the wording and the original writing style of those authors.

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READING GOALS

As I mentioned earlier, a book has an inflexible arrangement of chapters. However, today with all the technology at our disposal, we can assemble and re-assemble the chapters as we like. With this option in mind, this book is now a collection of thirty chapters for reading in any order.

With this freedom to “UNBIND THE CHAPTERS”, We can enable reading flexibility. Depending on your goals, several reading options are attainable. For example:

READING GOAL OPTIONS

MY TESTIMONY and STUDY TOPIC together.

Reading Goal 1:

Traditionally, you can read sequentially from chapters 1 to 30.

Only MY TESTIMONY.

Reading Goal 2:

Approaching marital difficulties with the quest of HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT.

For example.

WHAT HAPPENED, and DID IT WORK OUT?

Then, a suggested possibility would be to read Chapters 1 to 4 and 30.

An introduction by the author
Prologue
Conflicts and surprises
Overwhelmed
Epilogue

Then decide how to read on further.

People who quickly want to find HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT will find this reading sequence helpful. This approach is not hypothetical storytelling. Instead, the contents involve my situation and the fact that we WON our marriage.

This approach keeps the HOW TO MAKE THINGS WORK for later.

The objective of Goal 2 is to communicate HOPE and ENCOURAGEMENT.

STUDY TOPIC

Reading Goal 3:

There is another group of people who want TO STRUCTURE the problem. Men, in general, tend to want to see a STRUCTURE OF CAUSES.

Chapter 14 FOR HUSBANDS will help. They will also venture to read Chapter 15 for WIVES as an expansion of their STRUCTURE OF CAUSES.

Now Wives also may follow Reading Goal 3 and read Chapter 14 for HUSBANDS and Chapter 15 FOR WIVES as a priority selection. There is, however, a difference.

Men or husbands want to STRUCTURE the PROBLEM and THE CAUSES.
Women or wives want to UNDERSTAND why men cannot grasp their views.

STUDY TOPIC

Reading Goal 4:

After reading up to Reading Goals 1,2, or 3, the next progression is READING GOAL 4, which involves HOW.

Then you can go back and follow the remaining chapters sequentially,

On the other hand, if you are interested in a specific topic, you can go specifically to a chapter or topic because the BOOK is THEME-ORIENTED.

STUDY TOPIC

Reading Goal 5:

The colours of the chart below help you identify similar and related topics.

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MAIN PART OF THE BOOK

REASON FOR THIS BOOK

There are many undesirable tricks to disrupt a marriage. This book is about being successful and winning.

A marriage can run into attacks and problems. We need to be on our guard. The first thing is to be aware that there will be times of uncertainty. Marriage is very precious. We must do everything we can to preserve it.

This book is written in humility because I must learn.

This book results from God’s kindness in putting good books, mentors, and other resources across my path. I am thankful to God for His kindness. I like to pass on God’s kindness to people who read this book.

We struggled, and ultimately, we won our marriage.

This book is a testimony of how God’s Kindness worked through and won our marriage.

To win a broken marriage is a challenging task.

HOW THIS BOOK, CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez, HAPPENED

In 1992 I got the idea to write this book. Over time the idea became a mission.

January 1997, the idea took shape.

Bangalore, INDIA

AIM

When I started this book, I aimed to find tips and a formula to solve our marriage problem. The method was to solve the reconstruction through the intellect in my mind. Then, somewhere along the line, a friend told me:

MATTHEW 6:33-34

33 “BUT SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS AND ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE ADDED TO YOU.”

34 THEREFORE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW, FOR TOMORROW WILL WORRY ABOUT ITS OWN THINGS. SUFFICIENT FOR THE DAY IS ITS OWN TROUBLE.

This advice proved invaluable and helped me. This book is my way of passing on the kindness of that advice.

I am deeply honoured that you are considering reading this book.

I want to say a few words about what to expect in various chapters of this book. Then, I would like to present you with a FEEL of this book in advance. I have done this because I value your TIME and EFFORT.

There came a time during the writing when I began to ask myself, who would profit from reading this book? Of course, I cannot list out all possible cases, but at least the following people I feel would gain something:

People who want to understand the complex happenings within a marital relationship.
People who are trying to patch up their marriage.
People who are trying to patch up other people’s marriages. I am not talking about professionals and counsellors. My thoughts and writings are toward ordinary people who see their children’s or parents’ marriages in turmoil and want to help. In the World today, there is every chance that friends or colleagues will seek our support. ‘Helpful’ people trying to reach out to others will benefit from books like this.
People who are contemplating marriage and are interested to read about marriage in advance.
Some people feel that reading these books on marriage is not for them. (Perhaps only meant for the spouse).

To some extent and varying degrees, many people, who would profit most from such books, imagine they do not need any advice. This feeling is a somewhat common and natural tendency. We have an innate ability to see the faults of others better than we can see our flaws. So, I would like to place two MIRRORS OF THOUGHT before this group. If you feel you belong to this ‘Not for me category’, see if you see something of yourself in either of these ‘Mirrors’. If you do, the chances are that this book will be worth the time you invest in reading this book.

MIRROR 1 – VIEW TOWARDS YOURSELF.

Is your marriage threatening to break up?

Has it already broken up?

Are you concerned about your children or parents, and is the separation worrying you?

Do you see fear, jealousy, hatred, revenge, greed, anger, or superstition anywhere in your or your partner’s life?

If your answer is YES to any of these points, this book may save you a lot of unnecessary emotional wrestling.

Additionally, it will spare you from energy-sapping heartaches. Finally, it will help towards the reconstruction of the broken relationship.

MIRROR 2 – VIEW TOWARDS SOMEONE ELSE.

Do you feel inclined to help someone whose marriage is breaking up?

In today’s World, we are bound to have friends, colleagues, relatives etc., who could benefit through, the personal concern and efforts that we can make.

Do you feel and wish for the comfort of peace, love, security, hope, and romance for yourself? Do you want to share these comforts when other people look up to you for your advice, consolation, opinions, and friendship?

If your answer is YES to any of these points, you will profit from investing your time and efforts.

There could always be a viewpoint or two you have no reason to consider. But, on the other hand, it may just be a viewpoint you could give to a friend who needs help and is looking to you for your consolation and guidance. If you help someone, you indirectly help yourself. Life is like a mirror.

If you give the World the best you have, the best gets reflected in you.

‘Purpose and Satisfaction’ are some of the many jewels you will find in the mirror of life’s reflection.

FEEL OF THIS BOOK

I started this book during our separation. I began to look at marriage from many different angles during that period. Slowly, I had collections of thoughts and viewpoints. Some of the ideas and perspectives that shaped the writing of this book are, for example:

(1) Looking at marriage through searching and finding my faith in God and His Teaching. The results of these findings and searching for God have been the primary orientation throughout the book.

(2) The accompanying orientations are from psychology, medical findings, and behavioural sociology. The earlier chapters of this book draw on the writings of Dr James Dobson and Merlin Carothers. Their reports were helpful to me. I want to share their rich knowledge with all my readers. It is the only way I can thank them for helping me. Other writers have been mentioned further in this book. I am grateful to them also.

‘THOUGHTS are THINGS’; they are valuable and meaningful, but with time they can fade away; that is why I have put my findings down on paper. The orientation of this book has been based on FAITH because FAITH is an element that, when mixed with PRAYER, gives us direct communication with God. Faith transforms the finite mind of man into its spiritual equivalent.

The evolution of this book moves through three major areas. They are:

(1) THE STRUGGLE. – THE PROBLEM

(2) A TOPICAL APPROACH. – WRESTLING WITH THE PROBLEM

(3) THE EPILOGUE. – THE SUCCESS.

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(1) THE STRUGGLE. – THE PROBLEM

Here is an outline of some problems and surprises usually present when a marriage breaks down.

(2) A TOPICAL APPROACH. – WRESTLING WITH THE PROBLEM

Here we consider the various factors which influence marriage. Factors influencing marriage are on the search in my mind, and the explanations that either materialized by thinking or that I could find by reading books and pondering over them like a student.

I have not dreamed up the topical area of this book. I am not the inventor of all these ideas. The institution of marriage has been around for centuries, and these ideas have been there for centuries. Many great people have written about them, and others have rewritten them. Like a student, I have read the works of others. I have compared similar results. Whatever I found interesting, I compiled as reading material for my study notes. Because these notes were helpful to me, I have tried to convey them through these pages- so that others may obtain the same help and enlightenment I received. I am thankful to the authors before me who helped me. Some of the authors are known; most are unknown. I am simply passing on the help they have given me. Only the angels in Heaven keep those records of their goodness. I am sure God will bless them and their families.

I am not writing this book because I want to make money or commercialize my efforts. Far be it that I want to make money on the marital sorrow and strife of anyone. God has been very kind to me. I merely want to help people just as I received help. So, if you feel this book could be helpful to someone, go ahead, make a copy, and pass it on freely. Ease of duplication is the prime reason why this book is electronically formatted. I only ask not to commercialize the book for profit because that defeats the purpose of which this book. I reiterate that copying this work is to be of help and encouragement to others. I may never know if it helps you or any of your contacts. If you like to write to me, my email address is on the last page. If you translate it, I will most certainly want to have a copy, preferably electronically. The reason is that I live in Canada. We have people from every nation who have made up the social variety of this great nation. Those people may like to read it in their native language. I have a copyright, but that does not matter to me. The fact is: I won my priceless family back. My daughter and son are at university and doing well; they did not have to endure a split family life. That peace of mind is God’s wonderful gift to me. (AS of 2022, Ramona and Dominic are married and have a child each). There is no way I can repay God, so I hope to pass on His kindness to others. As for the money that a book could have brought, Do not worry. I will take my graces in Heaven. That happiness is rewarded enough for me. – You have my permission to copy and pass it around. Please translate it. May you keep doing good – GOD BLESS YOU. (In August 2006, a development took place, the text below is from the EPILOG, addendum No. 1)

By Oct. 2006, Ramona (earlier) and Dominic had graduated from top Canadian Universities.

By Dec. 2006, CHALLENGED TO WIN was an officially registered Copyright in Canada.

(3) THE EPILOGUE. – THE SUCCESS.

This area is partly autobiographical. The text is a word sketch of what happened when I believed and placed my faith in God. It describes, to some extent, how I tried to find my faith in God.

It also describes how we are bound to experience difficulties and discouragement. We often feel that many struggles do not seem clear to our human vision and reasoning, even when we try to follow our faith. Yet, despite all the obstacles, faith in God is our only trustworthy source of strength and hope.

This chapter describes some of the good works of people I have met. Their writing was inspirational to me in an all-around gift of experiences- not necessarily from a marriage point of view. It has enriched my life and outlook. Their life story has also inspired me to see the good in the lives of others and how the Lord made even more extraordinary things out of their ‘willingness’ to do good.

A poem I learned in school:

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sand of time.

— From Psalm of Life by Henry Longfellow

BRIEFLY, THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL FIND IN SOME OF THE OTHER CHAPTERS:

The PROLOGUE. This chapter centres on my personal experience. Here is where the book started. I would not have written the book if these situations were not there.

The writing in this chapter may sound strained. Marriage separation is a strain; I am not trying to cover it or play it down. Some of these words may appear hurtful, but I assure you that hurt is not the point that I am trying ‘to play up.’ I only want to identify the presence of strain and hurt as an integral part of marriage separation and then work through the entire book on how to heal it and repair the hurt.

I want to expose some of the destructive causes and less visible undertones. Marriage is God’s privilege for human beings. The devil is the root cause of all havoc; I am trying to expose this invisible and elusive element. The devil pushes love out of otherwise good marriages and turns things within marriage into confusion and unrest. This book is not about blaming the weaknesses present in human beings. It is about exposing the pitfalls that bring so much hurt into people’s lives.

Through this prologue, I am trying to identify myself with anyone who may be having a difficult marriage. I want to convey through my personal life that readers who find themselves in a strained marriage are not isolated cases. I remember how embarrassed we felt when we had to explain why we were not together. I want to give people with strained marriages a feeling that their problems are not unique or exclusive to themselves alone. There are times, especially in the topical chapters, when I have used the imperative form. The writing form is mainly for text reasons. There may be times when the writing tone carries the emotional heart of a husband and a father breaking through the text style to stress a particular point or highlight a potential problem. In all sincerity, I do not have the knowledge or inclination to ‘preach down’ to anyone who may be struggling (or reading this book). My sole intention is to walk and talk with my reader as a friend on the same level.

I do not want to give anyone the impression of HOW TO DO THINGS when solving marriage problems.

My communication intention is:

We had a problem.
We tried many ways.
We WON OUR MARRIAGE.
THE GRACE and METHOD THAT HELPED US WIN OUR MARRIAGE.

Whatever the writing style, the undertone is ‘REFLECTIVE’. It is reflective because I believe at least 50% of our troubles would be easier to solve if we thought about them from both our and our spouses’ points of view. The introductory presentation and spacing of the text are like a Workbook. That is the student in me. I have tried to leave space so that people can jot down their REFLEXIONS, where it is pertinent to them,

At least twice in the PROLOGUE, I have used the words “—and survived it—.”

I wrote the PROLOGUE while we were still separated, and things went from bad to worse, but I desired to WIN this marriage, not lose it. So my desire and thinking are that we should all survive.

And that we should all win: Rose, Ramona, Dominic, and me.

Let us pause and think about the word WIN and its implication.

WIN and WINNING often imply that if someone has ‘won’, the other/s has ‘lost’. But I, as a husband and father, was not prepared that any one of the four of us should ‘lose’. But, we were ALL GOING TO WIN. So, I started this book with God as my beacon and desire to do my best.

CHALLENGED TO WIN by Gregory Fernandez – The book

In our efforts to win, survive and improve ourselves, we try many things. One of them is to buy a book that tells us “How to do things.” – This is nice. We purchase books on electronics, cooking, mathematics, child-care books, and the rest with this orientation in mind. We also spend long years in school learning how to do things. We try to learn ‘What’ and ‘How’ to do something. The barometer of our accomplishments is in terms of certificates and degrees.

After a time, especially after going into business, I discovered a new world of approach. That was: ‘Knowing what NOT to do.’ Of course, knowing ‘What’ and ‘How’ to do things is essential because it helps one grow. But, on the other hand, knowing ‘WHAT NOT TO DO’ is equally necessary because it is often vital for our survival.

This same principle holds good for marriage also. So, I have tried to balance my writing wherever necessary between ‘What to do.’ and ‘What not to do.’

The chapter CONFLICT and SURPRISES cover my surprises to a great extent. But I assure you that I am not the only person surprised when a marriage breaks up. We are shocked if our marriage breaks up.

The chapter EXPLANATIONS explains some terms concerning my faith. I have written this because many of my friends are non-Christian. Many of these non-Christian friends encouraged me to write this book. Many business associates spent a good part of their time in the World of cold cash and stiff competition. Yet, somewhere in them, they had a yearning for the things of the heart and the family. They know these marital problems are real. They also know such issues are destructive to people, businesses, or careers. They see neither money, influence, compulsion, nor threats will work. They know how helpless one can become despite all the material opulence. I want people of different faith and religion to follow my thoughts more clearly, and the best way to do that was to write this chapter. I hope there are points here and there that will be interesting for Christians because some of the issues helped me re-look at my view on religion. After all, we all tend to take things for granted, especially if we received these religious points, ideas, or teachings while we were still very young.

The chapter FOR HUSBANDS is a book within a book, with many points of view that border on psychology and medical findings. Many men need or want a more scientific approach to appeal to them. People who feel they prefer a scientific method can start with this chapter. It has an almost diagonal coverage of other chapters in this book. The writing style is worldlier.

The Chapters’ FOR HUSBANDS’ and ‘FOR WIVES’ are necessary because men and women have unique thinking approaches when their EMOTIONS are involved. For example, it is not uncommon for men to think that everyone thinks like a man or for women to believe that everyone should think like a woman. The understanding is that men and women will likely feel differently if the HEART is involved.

An extra word here:

If the Chapters’ FOR HUSBANDS’ and ‘FOR WIVES’ are used to figure out one’s situation, the VIEWPOINT will be SUBJECTIVE.

On the other hand, If the Chapters ‘FOR HUSBANDS’ and ‘FOR WIVES’ are used to figure out someone else’s situation, the VIEWPOINT will be OBJECTIVE.

The key to how a person can have both a SUBJECTIVE and OBJECTIVE outlook is:

The critical reason is THE INVOLVEMENT OF THE HEART.

When the HEART is involved, there is a DUAL VIEW of divergence. To re-phrase:

There is one thinking pathway when SELF IS INVOLVED.

There is ANOTHER thinking pathway when SELF IS NOT INVOLVED.

When it comes to SELF, EMOTIONS play an INFLUENCING PART. Factors like jealousy, envy, etc., can run amok.

On the other hand, when the SELF IS NOT INVOLVED, LOGIC and REASONING and a casual sense of detachment are evident.

The detached LOGIC and reason are not entirely wrong. However, because solving problems requires a NEUTRAL APPROACH, it is also essential for the people in conflict to feel that their “Conversation Advisor” is not biased.

A possible text of a SUBJECTIVE nature:

My Spouse SHOULD – – – -. (One SINGLE WORD statement– One DIRECTIVE – NO FLEXIBILITY.)

A possible text of an OBJECTIVE nature:

SPOUSES, IN GENERAL, THINK AND ACT DIFFERENTLY – – – -. (A MULTITUDE OF WORDS – No DIRECTIVE, only SUGGESTIONS – HIGH FLEXIBILITY – NOTHING CONCLUSIVE.)

By contrast, If the topic or question only involves the HEAD, both men and women will be aligned. For example, if the problem was a mathematical problem. It is a HEAD problem – the thinking will be uniform.

If there is a difference, it will be more of a PREFERENCE difference. For example, girls, in general, may prefer something other than mathematics. Ladies, in general, prefer different colours for their casualwear clothing.

If we fail to recognize there are THINKING DIFFERENCES BASED ON THE SEX, we will end up blaming people just because they don’t think like us.

The chapter, SUFFERING, is written from a doctrinal or theological point of view because suffering and its purpose are a mystery. We cannot eliminate all suffering through conventional methods like power, money, influence, friends, medicine, etc. To cope with and manage those sufferings, we need an OUTLOOK, and we need to develop an ATTITUDE. Without an explained outlook and attitude, we could spiral downwards into depression, misery, and a failed marriage.

The chapter, JEALOUSY (EIFERSUCHT), is written from a psychological and behavioural science point of view.

All other chapters have a solid orientation to Faith in God and his teachings. For example, the explanations for some of the surprise-causing factors, which occur when a marriage breaks down, can be traced to FEAR and THREAT, a CONSTELLATION OF FACTORS and SIN. These topics are in chapters towards the end of the book. These chapters are found at the end of the book because good foreground to all other areas is helpful, maybe even essential.

The Chapter ‘PRAY’ is intended to throw some light on praying because the whole orientation of this book has been on GOD. So, prayer is a way to talk to God.

While writing, I felt that specific points applied to different topics. So whenever I felt this way, I repeated the idea. I did this because I thought it might have a better impact on one reader in one place and on another reader in another place.

I repeated points in different locations because some readers may choose not to read sequentially from Chapters one to thirty but rather “Chapter-Hop” to those chapters they feel are meaningful to them.

By repeating a point, I also felt it might serve as a reinforcement of an idea. But, whatever the reasons, I preferred to allow the matter to duplicate rather than lose any benefit it could otherwise convey.

STYLE SHIFT

In advance, I would also like to point out that this book has two shifts in the ‘feel’ or ‘the writing style’.

(1) The chapters PROLOGUE, CONFLICTS, AND – SURPRISES, and EPILOGUE have overtones of ‘What’ or ‘How’ I felt. So, there is a personal touch.

(2) The remaining chapters are an arrangement and construction of ideas based on my search for a solution to marriage problems. Again, the style is noticeably less personal but more topical.

The first style brings out the ‘Husband’, The ‘Father’ or ‘Friend’. The second style brings out ‘The Student’, documenting his findings through reading, talking, and searching. I feel it is only fair to point out in advance these style changes because we, as readers, usually expect the same style or extent of personal touch to remain. If the style changes without prior indications, we feel somewhat disturbed by the shift. There is also necessary to re-settle into another style within the same book. Let us face that winning a marriage may require varied skills. We will meet many style and comfort-level shifts. But then, when we sincerely ‘Win’, the rewards make the struggle meaningful.

WRITTEN IN PAST TENSE

I find it interesting that the PROLOGUE was written in the past tense when I look back now. The matter is, I wrote the PROLOGUE while we were in separation. Somewhere deep within me was this intense desire to win this marriage. I strive to make Rose, Ramona, Dominic, and myself all winners. Despite the odds that dragged us down, I was sure God would make everything right. But, while I knew that God would do something, I was unsure how He would do it.

God Bless You.